well, lets be honest, i didn't know how hard this was really going to be until i got here. aaand, i'm only on day three.
i've cried the past two days. it's like, once my dad left i felt SO LONELY. i'm a major daddy's girl, and my dad and i are really close, so that seemed to hit me the hardest. not to mention, i'm in a house by myself for this first week of utah. that's been another trial. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and far away from my family...it really does break my heart. i know things will get easier and that this is a time of a big transition, but i just didn't realize the impact until...well, now.
i've had quiet times in the morning, and listened to sermons by mark darling while i've been letting my hair air-dry (yes, i forgot my hair-dryer...blah) and that has been nice, but by the time noon rolls around, i am so "blah" that i don't even know what to do with myself. the weather is snowy and cold here, and i haven't mustered up the courage to roam about town to finish applying for jobs until zach gets off work. poor guy must think i'm the most depressed person ever.
the truth is, everything is hard. one of my best friends just recently lost her dad, which makes me think so much about how stupid i am to leave my family. i just got a call that my grandpa had a heart attack and is in the ICU at the hospital. i have no job, but i got hired for an UNPAID internship. i'm cut-off from the parents. it seems like nobody in utah is really in town, even. and i take all this sadness out on zach. it's such a weird thing. i hope that in a few months i can look back on this post and be SO MUCH happier. i'm just so uncomfortable right now. i'm sure it's a good place to be, and that God is going to really grow me leaps and bounds. i just need to feel Him WAY more than i do right now. i need Him to give me strength, i need Him to give me hope in this life, this future. i need to remember that this is not my Home, Colorado, Utah...neither.
Heaven is my Home. God is my Dad.
i need to remember this constantly, and i need this to change my attitude. if i don't shape up, i'm going to miss a really great opportunity for God to work in my life. i want to trust Him for a job, i want to trust Him for my security, i want to trust Him with my relationships, i want to trust Him to watch over my family, i want to trust Him to lead me. i know He is here with me, i just need this to impact my heart more. one day at a time, and it'll get easier and easier. just please pray. this was so much harder than i thought it would be, and i feel so foolish for being so discontent in colorado. i just keep thinking about my family and wonderful friends who i already miss so much. i never want to lose those relationships, or even have them change. that's what is so scary.
but i just need to really let God be my everything, and its clear to me that He's not right now.
godliness with contentment is great gain.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
goodbye, colorado.
tonight is my last night as a colorado resident. the lights in the house are off, and i'm still up thinking about this new life i'm about to start. it's so funny how you really can't blink, or you're gonna miss it. i feel like high school was yesterday, or writing my parents a letter of why they should let me go on a road-trip to utah when i was sixteen. so amazing how fast life is. i don't wanna miss it.
i'm feeling pretty nervous. i said goodbye to two of my best friends allison and maddie tonight. they were so sweet to just come hang out and be lazy with me. the reason it's so hard to leave colorado is because of the people. i have a great family and wonderful friends, and i'm leaving them. i'm so thankful that utah is only a state away, so then road trips will be in order. :)
i should be sleeping, because i'm driving for 8 hours and i know i'll get sleepy in the ride. i'll be praying that caffeine will really kick in, and adrenaline too.
i can't believe zach and i are starting this new journey in our relationship too. i'm excited to see what we learn from each other and how we adapt as a couple, even. it'll be nice being able to do normal things together, like watching tv and going to church and cooking dinner together. i'm so excited for the simple things. and for the spontaneous road trips i will force him to take, back to colorado.
it's so hard when your heart is in two places. wish i could live in both places so bad, but i can't. who ever thought that i'd be sad to leave this place, when i have been talking about moving for sooo long?
mostly i am nervous about finding a good job. God really is going to stretch and test my faith, and i really want to prove faithful, i want to trust my Savior for providing for me. i want to be exactly where he plans for me to be. it'll all work out, i just have to be patient and trusting. my God is my Rock. i'm really excited for a fresh start, and getting into good habits right when i move. it's convenient that the new year is starting, so i can make out some work-out resolutions as well. this christmas i ate...A LOT.
well. i guess i'll go to bed now. so long, for now...
i'm feeling pretty nervous. i said goodbye to two of my best friends allison and maddie tonight. they were so sweet to just come hang out and be lazy with me. the reason it's so hard to leave colorado is because of the people. i have a great family and wonderful friends, and i'm leaving them. i'm so thankful that utah is only a state away, so then road trips will be in order. :)
i should be sleeping, because i'm driving for 8 hours and i know i'll get sleepy in the ride. i'll be praying that caffeine will really kick in, and adrenaline too.
i can't believe zach and i are starting this new journey in our relationship too. i'm excited to see what we learn from each other and how we adapt as a couple, even. it'll be nice being able to do normal things together, like watching tv and going to church and cooking dinner together. i'm so excited for the simple things. and for the spontaneous road trips i will force him to take, back to colorado.
it's so hard when your heart is in two places. wish i could live in both places so bad, but i can't. who ever thought that i'd be sad to leave this place, when i have been talking about moving for sooo long?
mostly i am nervous about finding a good job. God really is going to stretch and test my faith, and i really want to prove faithful, i want to trust my Savior for providing for me. i want to be exactly where he plans for me to be. it'll all work out, i just have to be patient and trusting. my God is my Rock. i'm really excited for a fresh start, and getting into good habits right when i move. it's convenient that the new year is starting, so i can make out some work-out resolutions as well. this christmas i ate...A LOT.
well. i guess i'll go to bed now. so long, for now...
Saturday, December 11, 2010
relationships and God and how the two work.
God is good. sometimes that's all i can say, but then other times i sit and wonder if i really believe it. what a weird year it's been with God. i've been so distracted in a relationship, and trying to figure out how to juggle a relationship with my Lord and Savior and a relationship with the man i'm going to marry. i had these unrealistic expectations that being in a relationship with a man who loves the Lord is going to make me even more on fire for God and i'm going to grow leaps and bounds, and yada yada yada. i've grown, i really have...but not in any way i thought i would.
God has been etching at me in areas such as stubbornness, pride, insecurity, and baggage. (there's way more, trust me. i have NOTHING put together, pretty much.) God has used zach in my life to really point out these areas of selfishness that i wouldn't have seen otherwise.
i just watched a chick flick tonight with my friend andrea, and i feel like these relationships are so romanticized. it makes me mad because it gives us all this horrible impression that there's fights, fights, fights, and then this couple realizes how much they love each other and they live happily ever after and have it all together. that's such crap. i LOVE zach and i know he is perfect for me and that God made this happen, not us. but it's true that relationships are hard, and they take a whole lot of work.
men and women are so different. our needs, the way we think, even the way we express our emotions. it's amazing that together, man and woman make a complete picture of Christ and that's why He does it that way, but it doesn't make the struggle any easier. the way we function and operate is just, different. and it's good!
anyways, i was sitting there talking to God this morning about my needs and the way i want to be loved, and it hit me. this is what God wants from ME. i sit here and tell zach and i want him to express more passion, because he may show love in a different way but i am completely guilty of that lack of passion for Jesus. the man who shed all his blood on a cross for me, the man who died a shameful death in public for me, the man who literally thought of ME and YOU individually as He told His Father, "Your will be done." i just can't believe that i can sit here and tell zach that i need to be loved this way, when i can't even do that for Jesus. it's ridiculous. my flesh is horrible! i honestly don't know how Jesus loves me, or how zach even loves me sometimes. being in a relationship is the most humbling thing, because i see so much of who i really am, and how sinful i really am, and how needy i am of the Gospel.
so this doesn't really have a point, and took a completely different turn than where i thought it was going, but i'm glad it went there. i'm glad that God put on my heart what the Gospel is. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but i forget it every single day. i'll forget it in five minutes, i wouldn't be surprised.
my relationship with a man who loves the Lord has been amazing for me. i have confidence and faith in him, because i know his heart is after God's and i know God's leading will not let us be put to shame. but if i am not content with Jesus, than i am ALWAYS going to find something else that i need from zach, that he can't offer me. to all the single girls (or guys) out there that believe you will feel "secure" when you're in a relationship, it's a lie. it's the biggest lie from Satan. because whenever i look to zach for some sort of identity fulfillment, i am left empty and disappointed. he cannot place in me my worth, he is not where i can go to for my "identity". our only safe place is Jesus. people, even the best of people, are going to hurt you and disappoint you and not fulfill your desires. without Jesus, we are left with an empty spot that nothing can replace or fill. God may take something away from you, but He will NEVER leave you. God may discipline you, but He will NEVER make you feel like you are unworthy. the secret to a healthy relationship should not be a secret at all, it should be shouted from every rooftop...it's to LOVE JESUS most, and to go to Him for security. that's your only safe place.
and please know, i'm preaching this to myself, because i don't have this figured out. like i said, i want to love God so much more than i really do. there's something i'm dead sure of though, and that's His undying love for me, and His unwavering presence in my life, His sovereignty in guiding me, and having the best plans for me. it's there in the Bible, He said it.
i'm so thankful that He put me in a relationship not to make me feel "complete" but just to show me yet again how much i need Him. i am so needy for a Savior, and so are you. mmm, sure is beautiful though.
God has been etching at me in areas such as stubbornness, pride, insecurity, and baggage. (there's way more, trust me. i have NOTHING put together, pretty much.) God has used zach in my life to really point out these areas of selfishness that i wouldn't have seen otherwise.
i just watched a chick flick tonight with my friend andrea, and i feel like these relationships are so romanticized. it makes me mad because it gives us all this horrible impression that there's fights, fights, fights, and then this couple realizes how much they love each other and they live happily ever after and have it all together. that's such crap. i LOVE zach and i know he is perfect for me and that God made this happen, not us. but it's true that relationships are hard, and they take a whole lot of work.
men and women are so different. our needs, the way we think, even the way we express our emotions. it's amazing that together, man and woman make a complete picture of Christ and that's why He does it that way, but it doesn't make the struggle any easier. the way we function and operate is just, different. and it's good!
anyways, i was sitting there talking to God this morning about my needs and the way i want to be loved, and it hit me. this is what God wants from ME. i sit here and tell zach and i want him to express more passion, because he may show love in a different way but i am completely guilty of that lack of passion for Jesus. the man who shed all his blood on a cross for me, the man who died a shameful death in public for me, the man who literally thought of ME and YOU individually as He told His Father, "Your will be done." i just can't believe that i can sit here and tell zach that i need to be loved this way, when i can't even do that for Jesus. it's ridiculous. my flesh is horrible! i honestly don't know how Jesus loves me, or how zach even loves me sometimes. being in a relationship is the most humbling thing, because i see so much of who i really am, and how sinful i really am, and how needy i am of the Gospel.
so this doesn't really have a point, and took a completely different turn than where i thought it was going, but i'm glad it went there. i'm glad that God put on my heart what the Gospel is. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but i forget it every single day. i'll forget it in five minutes, i wouldn't be surprised.
my relationship with a man who loves the Lord has been amazing for me. i have confidence and faith in him, because i know his heart is after God's and i know God's leading will not let us be put to shame. but if i am not content with Jesus, than i am ALWAYS going to find something else that i need from zach, that he can't offer me. to all the single girls (or guys) out there that believe you will feel "secure" when you're in a relationship, it's a lie. it's the biggest lie from Satan. because whenever i look to zach for some sort of identity fulfillment, i am left empty and disappointed. he cannot place in me my worth, he is not where i can go to for my "identity". our only safe place is Jesus. people, even the best of people, are going to hurt you and disappoint you and not fulfill your desires. without Jesus, we are left with an empty spot that nothing can replace or fill. God may take something away from you, but He will NEVER leave you. God may discipline you, but He will NEVER make you feel like you are unworthy. the secret to a healthy relationship should not be a secret at all, it should be shouted from every rooftop...it's to LOVE JESUS most, and to go to Him for security. that's your only safe place.
and please know, i'm preaching this to myself, because i don't have this figured out. like i said, i want to love God so much more than i really do. there's something i'm dead sure of though, and that's His undying love for me, and His unwavering presence in my life, His sovereignty in guiding me, and having the best plans for me. it's there in the Bible, He said it.
i'm so thankful that He put me in a relationship not to make me feel "complete" but just to show me yet again how much i need Him. i am so needy for a Savior, and so are you. mmm, sure is beautiful though.
Friday, December 10, 2010
one week.
So I decided to write about the moving and graduating process, because it helps me really savor it, you know?
Today is my last real day of college ever, in my life. And of course, I miss my first two classes. (Hey, it's senioritis at its worst!) Instead, I spent the morning starting a wedding website (stay tuned) and packing up my room. I took the two decorations I had up down, and cleaned out my "everything" drawer so it's in a box ready to be moved into my car. I'm going to make a trip home on Tuesday to bring a load down after my internship. Luckily I'm going to a Nuggets game after that with Maddie and Vic, so that makes me suuuper happy. Then I'll head back up here on Wednesday to have a girl-date with Jenn and my last final on Thursday. Crazy. Less than a week, and I will be a College Graduate. Time FLEW!!! I remember my first Friday at school, we watched High School Musical 2 in Allison's dorm room. haha. Started it off right for sure. It went by so fast, but I changed so much. Crazy. I feel flustered because my room seems so messy and I don't know what to do with everything. I'm the type of girl that gets stressed out if any of my space is messy. I blame it on my mother.
Today I have to turn in my locker and shirt for Pilates. Then we're having a party in my Sign Language class. That is how I get to spend my last day of college...worked out well I'd say. :)
I'm getting excited again to move to Utah. I'm happy I get to live with Becki Porter, she's pretty hilarious. I'm excited I get to borrow a bed, until I get married and move in with Zach. I just have to get a dresser and stuff. Who even knows. I have never felt so...helpless? I don't know the word I'm looking for. I guess like I have nothing, and know nothing. This is going to be a crazy adventure. I really hope it suits me well. I go back and forth with it all the time! I'm excited because I know it's going to change me in a way God intends. I am so naive, and I really don't feel like a grown up. This is going to help me take charge more, and pay my own bills, and learn about budgeting and all the boring stuff.
I'm really excited to be best friends with God in the process too. I already know this is going to happen, because anytime I'm in an unfamiliar situation, God is my closest friend. I hate that when I'm comfortable, Him and I aren't as great. I've struggled in loving Him most this past year, and I'm excited to really cling to Him and see Him come through. I can't believe He still loves me, after so many times I don't choose Him.
I keep thinking about my family, and how much I will miss them. My sister is going to Korea for a year to teach English, and won't even get to be there for my wedding. I am so proud of her though. I feel bad for my little sister, that her two sisters are leaving at once. She takes that stuff hard. I'm sad for my mom and dad who have to face all this too. I am sure it's hard not to take personally, but they have been so supportive!
Wow, this is the most up and down entry ever. Time to keep packing and getting ready for school. :)
Today is my last real day of college ever, in my life. And of course, I miss my first two classes. (Hey, it's senioritis at its worst!) Instead, I spent the morning starting a wedding website (stay tuned) and packing up my room. I took the two decorations I had up down, and cleaned out my "everything" drawer so it's in a box ready to be moved into my car. I'm going to make a trip home on Tuesday to bring a load down after my internship. Luckily I'm going to a Nuggets game after that with Maddie and Vic, so that makes me suuuper happy. Then I'll head back up here on Wednesday to have a girl-date with Jenn and my last final on Thursday. Crazy. Less than a week, and I will be a College Graduate. Time FLEW!!! I remember my first Friday at school, we watched High School Musical 2 in Allison's dorm room. haha. Started it off right for sure. It went by so fast, but I changed so much. Crazy. I feel flustered because my room seems so messy and I don't know what to do with everything. I'm the type of girl that gets stressed out if any of my space is messy. I blame it on my mother.
Today I have to turn in my locker and shirt for Pilates. Then we're having a party in my Sign Language class. That is how I get to spend my last day of college...worked out well I'd say. :)
I'm getting excited again to move to Utah. I'm happy I get to live with Becki Porter, she's pretty hilarious. I'm excited I get to borrow a bed, until I get married and move in with Zach. I just have to get a dresser and stuff. Who even knows. I have never felt so...helpless? I don't know the word I'm looking for. I guess like I have nothing, and know nothing. This is going to be a crazy adventure. I really hope it suits me well. I go back and forth with it all the time! I'm excited because I know it's going to change me in a way God intends. I am so naive, and I really don't feel like a grown up. This is going to help me take charge more, and pay my own bills, and learn about budgeting and all the boring stuff.
I'm really excited to be best friends with God in the process too. I already know this is going to happen, because anytime I'm in an unfamiliar situation, God is my closest friend. I hate that when I'm comfortable, Him and I aren't as great. I've struggled in loving Him most this past year, and I'm excited to really cling to Him and see Him come through. I can't believe He still loves me, after so many times I don't choose Him.
I keep thinking about my family, and how much I will miss them. My sister is going to Korea for a year to teach English, and won't even get to be there for my wedding. I am so proud of her though. I feel bad for my little sister, that her two sisters are leaving at once. She takes that stuff hard. I'm sad for my mom and dad who have to face all this too. I am sure it's hard not to take personally, but they have been so supportive!
Wow, this is the most up and down entry ever. Time to keep packing and getting ready for school. :)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
wake up call.
well, the fact that life really is about to drastically change for me is starting to become real. i can almost touch it, it's within my reach...
and i feel helpless. i feel excited. i feel scared. i feel ready. i feel nervous.
i've wanted this for i can't tell you how long, to move to salt lake city, and be a part of the rock church, and to be graduated from college, and now, to be close to zach. and now, it's so close i can count the days. i can count the weeks on one hand. it's close.
i feel emotional about it, when for so long i've been checked out. i've been so apathetic. i apologize to my friends, to my family.
want the truth? the truth is, i'm REALLY going to miss you all. the truth is God has BLESSED me with the most amazing people who love me and care about me, and who have changed my life. the truth is, once i move i won't see my family any weekend i want to go home and see them. the truth is, sunday football won't include sitting by a nice warm fireplace and eating dad's green chili in my family's company. the truth is i won't see the same smiling faces every wednesday night at small group. i won't walk upstairs to see two adorable children, excited about one thing or another, and an amazing Godly woman there to brighten my day. i won't get to join my best friend at new belgium at four pm on a friday for free beer samples. i won't get to see my best friends anytime i want. things will be different, and i finally feel that pain...because the change is so close that i can't take these things for granted. there's not a lot of time left here with these people.
i just don't want to lose you all. i don't want to be distant. i don't want to miss out.
i know that what God has for me in the future is GOOD. i am so excited to join my brothers and sisters in Salt Lake who love Jesus, and music, and Starbucks (ha ha). i know that God is going to use this transition to grow me in ways that i couldn't have here in colorado. God is going to stretch me out of my comfort zone, and it will be good. it will be scary, but so good.
i just wanted to be honest, and share my heart. life is crazy and scary and i couldn't ever do it without my Jesus. He's the only only only only ONLY one who is the Same. HE is my Safe Place, He is my Home.
don't get me wrong, i still want to move to utah and be with zach so so badly, and i am thrilled to be there...but to every beginning, there is an ending. and all i've ever known is colorado. but this will be good, because my real Home is still waiting for me, and that is never going to change. and God lives in me and goes with me, which is the greatest thing of all. i have comfort and joy knowing that God directs my steps, and He has planned this for me before He gave me breath. it makes me smile in knowing that. i only ever want to be in the center of Your Will, Father. thank you for blessings, both in colorado and in utah. and thank you that both places get to be my home on earth now. :)
life is an adventure, and i'm glad God is my Captain.
Jeremiah 29:11
and i feel helpless. i feel excited. i feel scared. i feel ready. i feel nervous.
i've wanted this for i can't tell you how long, to move to salt lake city, and be a part of the rock church, and to be graduated from college, and now, to be close to zach. and now, it's so close i can count the days. i can count the weeks on one hand. it's close.
i feel emotional about it, when for so long i've been checked out. i've been so apathetic. i apologize to my friends, to my family.
want the truth? the truth is, i'm REALLY going to miss you all. the truth is God has BLESSED me with the most amazing people who love me and care about me, and who have changed my life. the truth is, once i move i won't see my family any weekend i want to go home and see them. the truth is, sunday football won't include sitting by a nice warm fireplace and eating dad's green chili in my family's company. the truth is i won't see the same smiling faces every wednesday night at small group. i won't walk upstairs to see two adorable children, excited about one thing or another, and an amazing Godly woman there to brighten my day. i won't get to join my best friend at new belgium at four pm on a friday for free beer samples. i won't get to see my best friends anytime i want. things will be different, and i finally feel that pain...because the change is so close that i can't take these things for granted. there's not a lot of time left here with these people.
i just don't want to lose you all. i don't want to be distant. i don't want to miss out.
i know that what God has for me in the future is GOOD. i am so excited to join my brothers and sisters in Salt Lake who love Jesus, and music, and Starbucks (ha ha). i know that God is going to use this transition to grow me in ways that i couldn't have here in colorado. God is going to stretch me out of my comfort zone, and it will be good. it will be scary, but so good.
i just wanted to be honest, and share my heart. life is crazy and scary and i couldn't ever do it without my Jesus. He's the only only only only ONLY one who is the Same. HE is my Safe Place, He is my Home.
don't get me wrong, i still want to move to utah and be with zach so so badly, and i am thrilled to be there...but to every beginning, there is an ending. and all i've ever known is colorado. but this will be good, because my real Home is still waiting for me, and that is never going to change. and God lives in me and goes with me, which is the greatest thing of all. i have comfort and joy knowing that God directs my steps, and He has planned this for me before He gave me breath. it makes me smile in knowing that. i only ever want to be in the center of Your Will, Father. thank you for blessings, both in colorado and in utah. and thank you that both places get to be my home on earth now. :)
life is an adventure, and i'm glad God is my Captain.
Jeremiah 29:11
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
what grace means to me.
do you ever feel like you wish you could take something back? i know i do. i have many times, but i feel desperate right now.
i have sinned against the Lord my God. (i mean, i do it every day, plenty of times a day.) i hate that i broke His heart. i hate that i live in this earthly body that can't help but sin, when my heart doesn't want to. anyways, that's not even the point.
the point is what Jesus has done in spite of this. He's cancelled it. He's taken every little dark sin in my life and erased it. He cancelled my debt, and i had a lot.
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13
i really am at a loss of what to say. i believe it's true. i believe i'm clean in Jesus. but i can't help but still hurt. God does the healing, he's in the business of healing hearts because He's the ONLY SOURCE OF HOPE. i'm learning that so much more than i ever have before, and for that, i am thankful.
tonight i am just so humbled, and thankful for the grace my God endlessly grants to me. He chose to find a solution to this disease called sin. and i know my life will be filled with continuous mess ups, but i can rest in my salvation, and my future in Heaven with God. i long to be Home with Him.
Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." -Acts 4:12
i just want God to have all the glory in every aspect of my life. and so i say, my life is no where near perfect, i don't have it all together and i don't know any Christian who does. but i know that the secret is Jesus, and if you don't know Him i assure you to get to know Him. i am so thankful for His sacrifice, and i know i am so undeserving of it but He gave it to me anyways, with a glad heart.
The heart of God is beautiful.
i have sinned against the Lord my God. (i mean, i do it every day, plenty of times a day.) i hate that i broke His heart. i hate that i live in this earthly body that can't help but sin, when my heart doesn't want to. anyways, that's not even the point.
the point is what Jesus has done in spite of this. He's cancelled it. He's taken every little dark sin in my life and erased it. He cancelled my debt, and i had a lot.
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13
i really am at a loss of what to say. i believe it's true. i believe i'm clean in Jesus. but i can't help but still hurt. God does the healing, he's in the business of healing hearts because He's the ONLY SOURCE OF HOPE. i'm learning that so much more than i ever have before, and for that, i am thankful.
tonight i am just so humbled, and thankful for the grace my God endlessly grants to me. He chose to find a solution to this disease called sin. and i know my life will be filled with continuous mess ups, but i can rest in my salvation, and my future in Heaven with God. i long to be Home with Him.
Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." -Acts 4:12
i just want God to have all the glory in every aspect of my life. and so i say, my life is no where near perfect, i don't have it all together and i don't know any Christian who does. but i know that the secret is Jesus, and if you don't know Him i assure you to get to know Him. i am so thankful for His sacrifice, and i know i am so undeserving of it but He gave it to me anyways, with a glad heart.
The heart of God is beautiful.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
miscellaneous, really.
sometimes i don't even know what i'll end up talking about, but i feel like writing tonight.
i'm waiting to talk to zachary, and i'm delaying in reading my book for class. i should get on that. after this. :)
today was good. church was AMAZING. i want to tell you about it. john meyer talked about real faith. listen to it online. www.summitview.com. anyway, afterwards before communion he was explaining it in a whole new light. as he had the cup and bread in his hands, he was saying how Jesus promises never to eat or drink it again until we're with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. it's just so REAL to me, and i know i won't be able to explain it as well as john but i'll try. he related it to how it's our "thing" that we have. like, in a relationship when two people have a "thing" together that they always do. that's what Jesus is doing here for us, so we remember Him. this is a little of my personal life but i don't think zach will mind. :) i'm obviously in a long distance relationship with the man i love. it gets tough sometimes because we don't get to hang out often, but the other night i was saying how i wish we could go on a date, so he said, "okay lets go on one right now!" and being his cute self, described this cute little date we went on, and i couldn't stop smiling! so that was a little "thing" for us. and i'll always remember it and cherish it. anyway, that's what Jesus is doing here too! He's my FIRST LOVE. He wants to have that kind of a relationship too. and He promises to wait for us til we're in Heaven with Him when we take that victory drink resembling His blood shed on the cross. wow, i did a bad job explaining that, but i was crying it was so good. Jesus is just SO PERSONAL! He knows what we need to hear to drive it home to us how much He loves us! Mmmm, Heaven will be SO GOOD. everything else is gonna fade away.
also today i cooked a new dish: baked pesto chicken. it was GREAT! you cover the chicken in pesto and then we added garlic salt, and pepper to it as well, put it in the over for 25 minutes, then take it out and add tomato slices on top with shredded mozzerella cheese. put it back in for five more minutes and wa-la! GOOD FOOD. served with angel hair pasta and french bread. it's definitely a keeper. i love to cook, i really do. i feel blessed living with the family i do cause i get good opportunities to cook some good food for the future. :) hah.
i really should go read. one more week of summer school, PTL! then zach comes friday through monday, and i go there monday through sunday! YAYYYY we will have so much fun! okaybye!
i'm waiting to talk to zachary, and i'm delaying in reading my book for class. i should get on that. after this. :)
today was good. church was AMAZING. i want to tell you about it. john meyer talked about real faith. listen to it online. www.summitview.com. anyway, afterwards before communion he was explaining it in a whole new light. as he had the cup and bread in his hands, he was saying how Jesus promises never to eat or drink it again until we're with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. it's just so REAL to me, and i know i won't be able to explain it as well as john but i'll try. he related it to how it's our "thing" that we have. like, in a relationship when two people have a "thing" together that they always do. that's what Jesus is doing here for us, so we remember Him. this is a little of my personal life but i don't think zach will mind. :) i'm obviously in a long distance relationship with the man i love. it gets tough sometimes because we don't get to hang out often, but the other night i was saying how i wish we could go on a date, so he said, "okay lets go on one right now!" and being his cute self, described this cute little date we went on, and i couldn't stop smiling! so that was a little "thing" for us. and i'll always remember it and cherish it. anyway, that's what Jesus is doing here too! He's my FIRST LOVE. He wants to have that kind of a relationship too. and He promises to wait for us til we're in Heaven with Him when we take that victory drink resembling His blood shed on the cross. wow, i did a bad job explaining that, but i was crying it was so good. Jesus is just SO PERSONAL! He knows what we need to hear to drive it home to us how much He loves us! Mmmm, Heaven will be SO GOOD. everything else is gonna fade away.
also today i cooked a new dish: baked pesto chicken. it was GREAT! you cover the chicken in pesto and then we added garlic salt, and pepper to it as well, put it in the over for 25 minutes, then take it out and add tomato slices on top with shredded mozzerella cheese. put it back in for five more minutes and wa-la! GOOD FOOD. served with angel hair pasta and french bread. it's definitely a keeper. i love to cook, i really do. i feel blessed living with the family i do cause i get good opportunities to cook some good food for the future. :) hah.
i really should go read. one more week of summer school, PTL! then zach comes friday through monday, and i go there monday through sunday! YAYYYY we will have so much fun! okaybye!
Monday, July 26, 2010
night run.
mmmmm.
i just got back from a run in the perfect temperature when dusk meets summer. i don't even like running, but i really see the rewards when i'm finished. i feel fresh, (even though i'm sweating like a pig and my cheeks are flushed with red) i feel new. i kept thinking and praying as i was running, "God, help me go further."
and man it couldn't be more true in my walk with God as well. i want to go further. i want to run harder. i want to beat my body so i'm disciplined to always follow Christ. i want to respect my God and fear my God, and out of that fear seek His face continually.
i read today in Isaiah 6:5- "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."
what amazing fear. i just don't understand (ever, really) my place before God. i can't comprehend His Holiness, His Power, His Goodness. i don't understand how wretched i am. i know that's horrible, but it's the truth. i know i'm a sinner but i can not grasp the depth of my darkness, my despair. God has saved me from myself. He has completely turned my life around. He has disciplined me to run hard after Him. tonight was a lesson as i was gasping for more air, mentally telling myself to not stop running, to make it to the next mark. i want my Spiritual life to be this way. and when i gasp, i want to be gasping for Christ, who is my source of Life. and when i'm mentally telling myself to keep running, i want to keep reading God's word, keep praying to the One who continually delivers me. and i want Him to be my motivation to make it to the next mark, no matter how tired i am, or how hard life may seem.
God gives us really cool metaphors to understand Him, we just need to open our eyes more. i love my God, He's my PORTION.
i just got back from a run in the perfect temperature when dusk meets summer. i don't even like running, but i really see the rewards when i'm finished. i feel fresh, (even though i'm sweating like a pig and my cheeks are flushed with red) i feel new. i kept thinking and praying as i was running, "God, help me go further."
and man it couldn't be more true in my walk with God as well. i want to go further. i want to run harder. i want to beat my body so i'm disciplined to always follow Christ. i want to respect my God and fear my God, and out of that fear seek His face continually.
i read today in Isaiah 6:5- "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."
what amazing fear. i just don't understand (ever, really) my place before God. i can't comprehend His Holiness, His Power, His Goodness. i don't understand how wretched i am. i know that's horrible, but it's the truth. i know i'm a sinner but i can not grasp the depth of my darkness, my despair. God has saved me from myself. He has completely turned my life around. He has disciplined me to run hard after Him. tonight was a lesson as i was gasping for more air, mentally telling myself to not stop running, to make it to the next mark. i want my Spiritual life to be this way. and when i gasp, i want to be gasping for Christ, who is my source of Life. and when i'm mentally telling myself to keep running, i want to keep reading God's word, keep praying to the One who continually delivers me. and i want Him to be my motivation to make it to the next mark, no matter how tired i am, or how hard life may seem.
God gives us really cool metaphors to understand Him, we just need to open our eyes more. i love my God, He's my PORTION.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
ps. i love you.
but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6
bad week, so it seems. i can't snap out of my funk. i know i am spreading it to you too, as hard as you're trying to get us out of it. what's my problem? i don't even know. i feel like i have just become accustomed to discontentment. dissatisfaction. disappointment. distance.
i know it's only a week, but a bad week can feel like eternity. maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but i don't want to downplay my feelings. frustration, loneliness, numbness even. is this another lesson to be learned from God? that i can only lean on Him, only count on Him for peace? it's funny how often i have to learn things from God. how often He has to take away things i may put above Him, without my own realization.
i feel like i'm living my life without you, even though i know it's not true. small talk won't do it for me. as much as i tell myself it'll be better this time, i can't seem to snap out of this...weirdness. i'm not worried, though. i know your heart and i know mine. i know that next week we'll be laughing at this off-week. or at least we'll be praying our way out of it.
i feel like i'm being dramatic, but at the same time i feel like i'm being completely real and that scares me. my life isn't perfect, my relationships aren't perfect, i'm weak. why is it that we fear exposing our weaknesses to others when that is where our source of strength comes from? God can be glorified, i keep saying as i write this.
so, here's the truth. i feel like i am missing out on so much. i feel so ready to start my life with you, and yet we're living separately...just passing time. i don't want this mentality. i want to live fully, purposefully, excitably. and i do when we're together. but i just feel like tonight, as i'm sitting in this abandoned coffee shop, that i am missing out on all the things you're enjoying. and as happy as i am for you, i'm sad too. i'm sad i'm not there.
but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6
thanks, paul.
godliness. contentment. great gain.
sounds good to me, but how? my God is my peace, but i still struggle. i'm still learning. and by all means, give me your wisdom on how to do this. how to live peaceably in my heart. how to live contently no matter where i may be, or who i may be with.
here's one thing that keeps me going. God is always with me. He is always listening to me. He's real. He's my Best Friend, my Father, my Love. i need to keep pressing with Him, and keep trusting His timing.
wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. -psalm 24:17
and the real truth is, the end of the year isn't that far away. and this funk we're in is going to pass. and we'll find a new mountain to conquer. and we're learning, and it's not easy but we're learning. God is refining us, and making us desperate for Him.
and for that, it's worth it.
ps. i love you.
bad week, so it seems. i can't snap out of my funk. i know i am spreading it to you too, as hard as you're trying to get us out of it. what's my problem? i don't even know. i feel like i have just become accustomed to discontentment. dissatisfaction. disappointment. distance.
i know it's only a week, but a bad week can feel like eternity. maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but i don't want to downplay my feelings. frustration, loneliness, numbness even. is this another lesson to be learned from God? that i can only lean on Him, only count on Him for peace? it's funny how often i have to learn things from God. how often He has to take away things i may put above Him, without my own realization.
i feel like i'm living my life without you, even though i know it's not true. small talk won't do it for me. as much as i tell myself it'll be better this time, i can't seem to snap out of this...weirdness. i'm not worried, though. i know your heart and i know mine. i know that next week we'll be laughing at this off-week. or at least we'll be praying our way out of it.
i feel like i'm being dramatic, but at the same time i feel like i'm being completely real and that scares me. my life isn't perfect, my relationships aren't perfect, i'm weak. why is it that we fear exposing our weaknesses to others when that is where our source of strength comes from? God can be glorified, i keep saying as i write this.
so, here's the truth. i feel like i am missing out on so much. i feel so ready to start my life with you, and yet we're living separately...just passing time. i don't want this mentality. i want to live fully, purposefully, excitably. and i do when we're together. but i just feel like tonight, as i'm sitting in this abandoned coffee shop, that i am missing out on all the things you're enjoying. and as happy as i am for you, i'm sad too. i'm sad i'm not there.
but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6
thanks, paul.
godliness. contentment. great gain.
sounds good to me, but how? my God is my peace, but i still struggle. i'm still learning. and by all means, give me your wisdom on how to do this. how to live peaceably in my heart. how to live contently no matter where i may be, or who i may be with.
here's one thing that keeps me going. God is always with me. He is always listening to me. He's real. He's my Best Friend, my Father, my Love. i need to keep pressing with Him, and keep trusting His timing.
wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. -psalm 24:17
and the real truth is, the end of the year isn't that far away. and this funk we're in is going to pass. and we'll find a new mountain to conquer. and we're learning, and it's not easy but we're learning. God is refining us, and making us desperate for Him.
and for that, it's worth it.
ps. i love you.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
i saw God today.
i wanted to share with you how amazing and real and evident God is.
i certainly saw Him today.
obviously i can't give too many details out of the respect of other people, but for about a month now i have been struggling with an unreconciled conflict between a person. i went to bed last night and woke up this morning with it on my heart. i have been angry that i can't seem to let it go, not be bitter, forgive, apologize, etc. I went on a prayer walk and had two close friends pray for me about the situation, and I asked for conviction because I didn't feel convicted.
later that night was infusion. it started with worship.
"not to us, but to Your Name be the Glory." i've sung it before, plenty of times. but i got the thought in my head that God asks us to persevere in relationships not for us, but for HIM and because when we're united we bring God GLORY. I want nothing more than to glorify God.
which is what i just got back from. the topic was perseverance, but rory whitney somehow related it to UNITY. he broke it down into three parts, we must be united in our thoughts, speech, and vision. i can tell you that my heart had some ugly thoughts, and my speech some ugly words. rory kept saying, "i know this isn't really my topic, but i felt God led me to speak about this." i don't know, after all that was said tonight i just couldn't stand there and not do something. God answered my prayer of conviction. and i acted on it. i don't know what will come of it, but i know that RIGHT NOW, i can stand blameless before God with this situation. i can feel peace in my heart with doing something hard for the glory of God.
i love Him so much, and i know that someday i can count on God to bring justice for everything. i know that God is my defender when i feel wronged. i know that God has forgiven me of all my sins and transgressions and they are far more offensive to Him than anybody who i think i shouldn't forgive. we have every reason to forgive people because we've been forgiven INFINITELY more by God. i am so thankful that that is the heart of my God. i am so thankful that He is powerful in using other people to SPEAK to me. i am so thankful that He is refining me, even when it means tearing down my pride.
Praise You, Lord. It's in Your name i write this. may You get the Glory.
i certainly saw Him today.
obviously i can't give too many details out of the respect of other people, but for about a month now i have been struggling with an unreconciled conflict between a person. i went to bed last night and woke up this morning with it on my heart. i have been angry that i can't seem to let it go, not be bitter, forgive, apologize, etc. I went on a prayer walk and had two close friends pray for me about the situation, and I asked for conviction because I didn't feel convicted.
later that night was infusion. it started with worship.
"not to us, but to Your Name be the Glory." i've sung it before, plenty of times. but i got the thought in my head that God asks us to persevere in relationships not for us, but for HIM and because when we're united we bring God GLORY. I want nothing more than to glorify God.
which is what i just got back from. the topic was perseverance, but rory whitney somehow related it to UNITY. he broke it down into three parts, we must be united in our thoughts, speech, and vision. i can tell you that my heart had some ugly thoughts, and my speech some ugly words. rory kept saying, "i know this isn't really my topic, but i felt God led me to speak about this." i don't know, after all that was said tonight i just couldn't stand there and not do something. God answered my prayer of conviction. and i acted on it. i don't know what will come of it, but i know that RIGHT NOW, i can stand blameless before God with this situation. i can feel peace in my heart with doing something hard for the glory of God.
i love Him so much, and i know that someday i can count on God to bring justice for everything. i know that God is my defender when i feel wronged. i know that God has forgiven me of all my sins and transgressions and they are far more offensive to Him than anybody who i think i shouldn't forgive. we have every reason to forgive people because we've been forgiven INFINITELY more by God. i am so thankful that that is the heart of my God. i am so thankful that He is powerful in using other people to SPEAK to me. i am so thankful that He is refining me, even when it means tearing down my pride.
Praise You, Lord. It's in Your name i write this. may You get the Glory.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
i'm going to keep this short. i have class in an hour, and i'm not quite ready yet. ohhh well.
last night was great. andrea and i went up to horsetooth and took a short hiking trail to the cliffs overlooking the reservoir. we brought our bibles and journals, and she helped me go over the chapters i'd memorized in the past which i TOTALLY did not remember very well!! i really need to be disciplined in memorizing those chapters, and not letting them slip away from me after all that hard work. so that's what i'm going to have zach keep me accountable in when we talk on the phone. going over those verses. the spot we sat at last night was amazing. i took some pictures but they're not uploaded. God gives such good gifts, His creation is amazing.
today i have a presentation. i'm not too worried about it. i have to leave class early so i can babysit lincoln and ellie. so there's that. :) then i babysit them again tonight. it's also my night to clean the kitchen floors and the bathrooms. i would do laundry but the load isn't big enough so i'm not going to. :) i really love living with the Schmidt family. they are amazing, and so fun.
last night i got the privilege of helping lyndsey paint her kitchen because her husband was out of town. so andrea, jenn and i all were painting the kitchen there. it was nice because i got to ask them all these quetions i have about why they homeschool or things that i just wonder about because i'm so stubborn and don't want to do what every other Christian is doing! haha. zach always tells me there's wisdom in certain decisions which is why it seems like "the thing to do" but it was cool to hear the reason these women decided to homeschool their kids. i think andrea and i learned a lot from them. not to mention we laughed a LOT. plus they gave me great wedding ideas. which is still a way in the future, but i should totally start taking notes or something. :)
well i know today is going to be a good day. i can tell by the sunshine peering in my window. i love the sun. i love God.
last night was great. andrea and i went up to horsetooth and took a short hiking trail to the cliffs overlooking the reservoir. we brought our bibles and journals, and she helped me go over the chapters i'd memorized in the past which i TOTALLY did not remember very well!! i really need to be disciplined in memorizing those chapters, and not letting them slip away from me after all that hard work. so that's what i'm going to have zach keep me accountable in when we talk on the phone. going over those verses. the spot we sat at last night was amazing. i took some pictures but they're not uploaded. God gives such good gifts, His creation is amazing.
today i have a presentation. i'm not too worried about it. i have to leave class early so i can babysit lincoln and ellie. so there's that. :) then i babysit them again tonight. it's also my night to clean the kitchen floors and the bathrooms. i would do laundry but the load isn't big enough so i'm not going to. :) i really love living with the Schmidt family. they are amazing, and so fun.
last night i got the privilege of helping lyndsey paint her kitchen because her husband was out of town. so andrea, jenn and i all were painting the kitchen there. it was nice because i got to ask them all these quetions i have about why they homeschool or things that i just wonder about because i'm so stubborn and don't want to do what every other Christian is doing! haha. zach always tells me there's wisdom in certain decisions which is why it seems like "the thing to do" but it was cool to hear the reason these women decided to homeschool their kids. i think andrea and i learned a lot from them. not to mention we laughed a LOT. plus they gave me great wedding ideas. which is still a way in the future, but i should totally start taking notes or something. :)
well i know today is going to be a good day. i can tell by the sunshine peering in my window. i love the sun. i love God.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
1 Corinthians 15:58
i just wanna write about God's grace, because i've experienced it more than ever today. (and last night.)
the story in short is: i was driving home last night and my tire popped. Praise God i was only a block from home so i drove it SLOWLY back to the house, and took a look at the super-de-duper flat tire of mine. i woke up this morning dreading the fact that i had to attempt to fix a flat tire on my own. anyways, i go at it this morning, and again, BY GOD'S GRACE i remembered how to change a tire from watching it be changed two times. i know that seems silly guys, but really, this is something that was big for me. so i change the tire, and am extremely hesitant to actually DRIVE on it to discount tire. i don't have a whole lot of money either, but again by the grace of God it was cheap and i got a warantee on all four tires in case that ever happens again! so out of this situation that i could've looked at as a curse, God blessed me with a lifetime warantee on all four tires! AND i almost forgot to mention that today was a day when i didn't have class! my teacher decided to give us wednesday off because we are ahead of schedule. so i had the time to go fix my tire, without having to miss class and be stressed out. i just think God is so kind to watch over his children. He's the best Dad ever.
it's been cool to see this summer unfold into another great summer. i was really worried the first couple of weeks that it was going to be a bad one in comparison to my summer in Provo. i'm learning first of all not to compare, and second of all to keep seeking God and not give up in it. i also feel blessed at the blossoming friendships this year! i love friendships that are God centered and i really feel like God has given me those friends to run hard with this summer and fall more in love with Him in.
it's starting to become more real to me that i'm moving to utah in six months. i'm halfway there. that's crazy how fast it's going. i really want to make the most of this unique time in my life where i can focus solely on God! what a beautiful life. God is good. all the time. i just want His name to be famous. i don't want to forget where i've been before i knew Him or even when i let Him slip away from me. He was always there, and i know He always will be. i want that to be the reason my heart beats, the reason i live, the reason i breathe, and the reason i love. i want more Christ in me, the hope of Glory.
this summer really is shaping up to be a good one. thanks for your Good and Simple gifts, Father God. You are so good.
1 Corinthians 15:58b (ish) "Stand Firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
AMEN.
the story in short is: i was driving home last night and my tire popped. Praise God i was only a block from home so i drove it SLOWLY back to the house, and took a look at the super-de-duper flat tire of mine. i woke up this morning dreading the fact that i had to attempt to fix a flat tire on my own. anyways, i go at it this morning, and again, BY GOD'S GRACE i remembered how to change a tire from watching it be changed two times. i know that seems silly guys, but really, this is something that was big for me. so i change the tire, and am extremely hesitant to actually DRIVE on it to discount tire. i don't have a whole lot of money either, but again by the grace of God it was cheap and i got a warantee on all four tires in case that ever happens again! so out of this situation that i could've looked at as a curse, God blessed me with a lifetime warantee on all four tires! AND i almost forgot to mention that today was a day when i didn't have class! my teacher decided to give us wednesday off because we are ahead of schedule. so i had the time to go fix my tire, without having to miss class and be stressed out. i just think God is so kind to watch over his children. He's the best Dad ever.
it's been cool to see this summer unfold into another great summer. i was really worried the first couple of weeks that it was going to be a bad one in comparison to my summer in Provo. i'm learning first of all not to compare, and second of all to keep seeking God and not give up in it. i also feel blessed at the blossoming friendships this year! i love friendships that are God centered and i really feel like God has given me those friends to run hard with this summer and fall more in love with Him in.
it's starting to become more real to me that i'm moving to utah in six months. i'm halfway there. that's crazy how fast it's going. i really want to make the most of this unique time in my life where i can focus solely on God! what a beautiful life. God is good. all the time. i just want His name to be famous. i don't want to forget where i've been before i knew Him or even when i let Him slip away from me. He was always there, and i know He always will be. i want that to be the reason my heart beats, the reason i live, the reason i breathe, and the reason i love. i want more Christ in me, the hope of Glory.
this summer really is shaping up to be a good one. thanks for your Good and Simple gifts, Father God. You are so good.
1 Corinthians 15:58b (ish) "Stand Firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
AMEN.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
JESUS.
this world is so corrupt and religion is so corrupt and we as humans are so corrupt. depressing start to a blog post, i'm aware of this. i'm struggling with how we skew the image of Christ because we're sinful in nature. i know it's inevitable, but i want Christ to shine through every Christian. i want us all to REALLY love God, and to have a REAL relationship with Him.
i just know God's heart breaks for sin. sin destroys. sin cannot be hidden, it will catch up with us whether in this life or after we die. He sees it all. and i know that there will be justice.
in the meantime i want to focus on myself and my life and make sure that i am REALLY loving people and that i am REALLY loving God. not in a lukewarm or "routine" way. i mean, consumed by Him. i don't want to be indifferent about Christ. and i DON'T want religion. you can take your religion somewhere else. i want a meaningful relationship with my Lord and Savior, my Best Friend, the one who will never let me down. He's the one that i can spill my guts out to and it be a safe place, He's the one that i can send my requests to and know that it was heard, He's the one who has my best interest at heart, He's the one that loves me even though i'm a wretched sinner. He's UNBELIEVABLE. if we all just sat down to think about who He REALLY is and what He REALLY is offering us (so much more than fire-insurance, you guys.) how could anyone ever reject that??
i know this world has distorted the image of Him. i know people will read this and think that's not that God or Jesus they've been exposed to. but it's TRUE. if you don't believe me, read for yourself. the Bible is beautiful and purposeful and most importantly, true. someday we're going to see. and someday we're going to be able to rest in His arms if we choose Him now, and find understanding in anything right now that we just don't understand.
i want Jesus in everything. i want to cast my cares, frustrations, and worries on Him.
i don't want to love Jesus in a routine way, in a distant way. i want to be passionate about Him who died in place for me. and i want to always be pointing to Him. NOTHING ELSE, ever. amen.
i just know God's heart breaks for sin. sin destroys. sin cannot be hidden, it will catch up with us whether in this life or after we die. He sees it all. and i know that there will be justice.
in the meantime i want to focus on myself and my life and make sure that i am REALLY loving people and that i am REALLY loving God. not in a lukewarm or "routine" way. i mean, consumed by Him. i don't want to be indifferent about Christ. and i DON'T want religion. you can take your religion somewhere else. i want a meaningful relationship with my Lord and Savior, my Best Friend, the one who will never let me down. He's the one that i can spill my guts out to and it be a safe place, He's the one that i can send my requests to and know that it was heard, He's the one who has my best interest at heart, He's the one that loves me even though i'm a wretched sinner. He's UNBELIEVABLE. if we all just sat down to think about who He REALLY is and what He REALLY is offering us (so much more than fire-insurance, you guys.) how could anyone ever reject that??
i know this world has distorted the image of Him. i know people will read this and think that's not that God or Jesus they've been exposed to. but it's TRUE. if you don't believe me, read for yourself. the Bible is beautiful and purposeful and most importantly, true. someday we're going to see. and someday we're going to be able to rest in His arms if we choose Him now, and find understanding in anything right now that we just don't understand.
i want Jesus in everything. i want to cast my cares, frustrations, and worries on Him.
i don't want to love Jesus in a routine way, in a distant way. i want to be passionate about Him who died in place for me. and i want to always be pointing to Him. NOTHING ELSE, ever. amen.
Monday, June 7, 2010
come on rain!
i'm hoping for a thunderstorm...it's a nice summer day but the clouds are rolling in and you know what that means. :)
thunder makes me happy, because i think of how POWERFUL God is. that's really all there is to it. i am enthralled in them. i can't look away. God is so mysterious and powerful. how amazing that He saved a wretch like me.
on a different note, i'm babysitting the kids as they nap. all this requires of me is to be here. :) i cook dinner tonight for the family. gotta practice the whole mother thing. i feel blessed for this opportunity to live with the Schmidt fam. great people!
aaaand zach and i made plans for his next trip out here which is in less than two weeks! i love how often we've seen each other! it's wonderful to me, that's the truth. so hopefully him, scrib, and hayd are coming out next weekend (the 18th!) i would love that with all my heart. i can't believe we're halfway through the year and i will be in utah in six to seven months. what a happy life.
i hear a waking child. goodbye!
thunder makes me happy, because i think of how POWERFUL God is. that's really all there is to it. i am enthralled in them. i can't look away. God is so mysterious and powerful. how amazing that He saved a wretch like me.
on a different note, i'm babysitting the kids as they nap. all this requires of me is to be here. :) i cook dinner tonight for the family. gotta practice the whole mother thing. i feel blessed for this opportunity to live with the Schmidt fam. great people!
aaaand zach and i made plans for his next trip out here which is in less than two weeks! i love how often we've seen each other! it's wonderful to me, that's the truth. so hopefully him, scrib, and hayd are coming out next weekend (the 18th!) i would love that with all my heart. i can't believe we're halfway through the year and i will be in utah in six to seven months. what a happy life.
i hear a waking child. goodbye!
Friday, June 4, 2010
LOVE.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, WHO LOVED ME and gave himself for me. -Galatians 2:20
But God demonstrates HIS OWN LOVE for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. -Romans 5:8
This is love: not that we loved God, but that HE LOVED US and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. -1 John 4:10
And so we know and rely on the LOVE GOD HAS FOR US. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. -1 John 4:16
For God SO LOVED the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16
Notice a theme? I hope so.
I was sitting outside reading Chapter 3 of "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper, basking in the beautiful rays of the sun...hoping to hear from my Love. See, lately I have been struggling with feeling His presence, and it has been my prayer request to feel Him as I have before. Anyways, as I'm nearing to the end of the chapter I come across the top verse listed, Galatians 2:20, I stopped and let this word "love" sink in.
Yes, the four-letter-word that supposedly holds so much meaning, right? I have struggled with this word as of late, because I feel like we toss it around without counting the heaviness it truly holds. LOVE. Why does God's love for me not HIT me like it should? I want it to rock my world, give me comfort, amazement, butterflies, contentment.
I'm in love with my boyfriend. I feel loved by him. I feel pursued by him. This love is real to me, it comforts me. I delight in it. There is a connection there. But it can't save me, nor will it.
HOW MUCH MORE SHOULD I FEEL LOVED AND PURSUED BY THE ONE WHO CREATED ME, DIED FOR ME, AND LEADS ME TO GOOD THINGS IN THIS LIFE? Oh, the love of God.
You know, I still don't understand this love, but the Bible talks about it all the time. I want to seek to know this love more and more. I want to believe it. I want to reciprocate it. (Though I will never be able to in comparison to my God.) He loved me when I didn't even want anything to do with Him. He loves me still when I fall short of His perfect standard. He loves me though I am just one of six billion. He delights in me, He provides for me, He rejoices over me, He saved me. And I get an eternity to bask in His love, something that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived.
Let this love penetrate your soul.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
start of summer.
sometimes i start writing in this thing, not even sure what i will say. but it'll be interesting to see where this takes me.
it's officially summer, and what am i doing? going to school.
i have a feeling God is going to be challenging me this summer just without the break that i'm used to, and the fun that i want to have. don't get me wrong, it'll still be fun. it'll just be a lot of work too.
on a happy note, i'm moved in with the wonderful and amazing Schmidt family! it's so nice to be around young kids again, and i love seeing the way this family functions and how they parent, and love the Lord and honor Him through their lives. i've only been here a few days, but i do enjoy it so far! i have this cute little bedroom and bathroom in the basement and i get to cook on sunday nights and babysit on thursday nights! not a bad deal at ALL.
okay, so last weekend i went to utah. BEST TIME EVER. seriously, i love that place!! i want to be there so bad, my heart is checked out and i know that's bad! it's just so hard because every time i go there i just feel like everything is how it's intended to be! i love my boyfriend, i love my friends there, i love the church there, i love the breathtaking mountains. utah is gonna be my home, and i'm really looking forward to that. i will need God's grace to get through the waiting process! i brought kirsten and andrea who both absolutely loved it there too, which is happy. i always try to recruit people to move there. it's funny to me. haha.
tonight we have a prayer night with infusion, i'm tired but decided to go. life is keeping me busy, but God has been really good and i've felt Him close lately. there is just something about reading your Bible outside. i want Him closer though. i feel so hungry for Him lately. i'm glad about that.
it's officially summer, and what am i doing? going to school.
i have a feeling God is going to be challenging me this summer just without the break that i'm used to, and the fun that i want to have. don't get me wrong, it'll still be fun. it'll just be a lot of work too.
on a happy note, i'm moved in with the wonderful and amazing Schmidt family! it's so nice to be around young kids again, and i love seeing the way this family functions and how they parent, and love the Lord and honor Him through their lives. i've only been here a few days, but i do enjoy it so far! i have this cute little bedroom and bathroom in the basement and i get to cook on sunday nights and babysit on thursday nights! not a bad deal at ALL.
okay, so last weekend i went to utah. BEST TIME EVER. seriously, i love that place!! i want to be there so bad, my heart is checked out and i know that's bad! it's just so hard because every time i go there i just feel like everything is how it's intended to be! i love my boyfriend, i love my friends there, i love the church there, i love the breathtaking mountains. utah is gonna be my home, and i'm really looking forward to that. i will need God's grace to get through the waiting process! i brought kirsten and andrea who both absolutely loved it there too, which is happy. i always try to recruit people to move there. it's funny to me. haha.
tonight we have a prayer night with infusion, i'm tired but decided to go. life is keeping me busy, but God has been really good and i've felt Him close lately. there is just something about reading your Bible outside. i want Him closer though. i feel so hungry for Him lately. i'm glad about that.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
blue skies are coming.
man, i sure am close to finishing finals and moving out and then my roadtrip to utah! I AM SO EXCITED.
i have been so stressed out with school and moving, while keeping some stuff out that i'll be taking on my roadtrip. it may be bad timing, but it's really the ONLY time i can get out there since i start summer school next week.
i feel super blessed to be living with the schmidt family. they are so great, and i think i'll learn a lot! it's a blessing to be living for free too, and save up some money for my future in utah and all that God has for me.
i have been going through a trial of trusting God with financial things that i've really noticed lately. i always thought i was the girl that didn't care about money at all, the girl that didn't want a lot of it. however, with zach going back to school and unemployed recently, i've been so nervous about what is going to happen or how we're going to start out. but it's been cool to see his faith and trust in God and his comfort in the unknown, which is something i am SO BAD AT. i feel blessed that God made us different and in that sense we'll help each other through our differences and similarities. i also think it's cool that God is refining me NOW rather than later. i know in my head there is nothing to worry about, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. i want heart-knowledge. i know it'll all work out, and i'm excited to see what God has for zach and i in the future. i'm confident He'll lead us, i just need to not be anxious.
i've found a new obsession with mumford & sons. what a GOOD band!!! listen to them if you haven't yet. so good.
life is good, i want to count my blessings more. tonight we're going to new belgium and then hu-hot to celebrate janet, and her servants heart of leading the team for so long. i'm nervous that i am the only girl leader right now but i feel blessed to have andrea as an apprentice and such awesome men leading the team. God's grace is sufficient, and our team is undergoing a lot of changes but i trust God and just want people to fall in love with Him more through team. i'm also going to sundance tonight. it's a country line-dancing place where allison, jenni and i used to go ALL the time. so al and i are going to go with two of our friends, kira and jene. we haven't been this whole school year so decided to go on the last week of school (ever for allison! crrrazy!) so that will be fun.
well, i better go start the moving process. goodbye for now!
i have been so stressed out with school and moving, while keeping some stuff out that i'll be taking on my roadtrip. it may be bad timing, but it's really the ONLY time i can get out there since i start summer school next week.
i feel super blessed to be living with the schmidt family. they are so great, and i think i'll learn a lot! it's a blessing to be living for free too, and save up some money for my future in utah and all that God has for me.
i have been going through a trial of trusting God with financial things that i've really noticed lately. i always thought i was the girl that didn't care about money at all, the girl that didn't want a lot of it. however, with zach going back to school and unemployed recently, i've been so nervous about what is going to happen or how we're going to start out. but it's been cool to see his faith and trust in God and his comfort in the unknown, which is something i am SO BAD AT. i feel blessed that God made us different and in that sense we'll help each other through our differences and similarities. i also think it's cool that God is refining me NOW rather than later. i know in my head there is nothing to worry about, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. i want heart-knowledge. i know it'll all work out, and i'm excited to see what God has for zach and i in the future. i'm confident He'll lead us, i just need to not be anxious.
i've found a new obsession with mumford & sons. what a GOOD band!!! listen to them if you haven't yet. so good.
life is good, i want to count my blessings more. tonight we're going to new belgium and then hu-hot to celebrate janet, and her servants heart of leading the team for so long. i'm nervous that i am the only girl leader right now but i feel blessed to have andrea as an apprentice and such awesome men leading the team. God's grace is sufficient, and our team is undergoing a lot of changes but i trust God and just want people to fall in love with Him more through team. i'm also going to sundance tonight. it's a country line-dancing place where allison, jenni and i used to go ALL the time. so al and i are going to go with two of our friends, kira and jene. we haven't been this whole school year so decided to go on the last week of school (ever for allison! crrrazy!) so that will be fun.
well, i better go start the moving process. goodbye for now!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
thirst.
Jesus replied, "People soon become thirsty again after drinking this water. But the water I give them takes away thirst altogether. It becomes a perpetual spring within them, giving them eternal life."
"Please sir," the woman said, "give me some of that water! Then I'll never be thirsty again, and I won't have to come here to haul water." John 4:13-15
I read this today and it really stuck with me. We look to this world to fill our void, but no matter what we get out of this world, we are constantly wanting and looking for more. I say this a lot, but nothing of this world satisfies: no materials, no relationships, no success, no money. This woman gets it. She didn't need any convincing. Jesus is telling us what the answer is, and she is asking for it without holding back. I want this heart, I want this longing. I don't want to thirst for things of this world, but for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ only. And what a blessing that He doesn't hold back anything from us.
Drink it in. :)
Monday, May 3, 2010
great weekend.
man, what a great weekend!
i was blessed to see zach, and be refreshed by good talks and happy times. he's fun. :) hayden and rob came out too. on friday we went to church and then to the rio for margaritas, then ended up at the luscious nectar (weird name, i know.) since the rio closed at 11! it was lame because the jazz beat the nuggets and i don't even really want to talk about it. so we won't. :)
saturday morning we had breakfast at my house with my parents and grandparents who were in town seeing my little sister's play. that was entertaining in itself because my grandpa is the weirdest most hilarious guy ever. plus hayden is really funny too. haha. then we got ready for our day, lounged around the house a bit, but headed to starbucks to see maddie working, and then to chipotle so rob could try his half chicken half steak burrito masterpiece. the two boys went to denver, and zach and i got to go back home and hang out together until becky's play that night. it was really fun. when we got back from the play we hung out with my parents a bit too, which was fun and relaxing.
sunday we headed back up to fort collins early (except we were running late!) to make it for church. after church we got lunch with friends at big city burrito. (hayden and rob's first time!) then we went to phil's to watch the jazz/lakers game (UGH!) and play settlers, and grill some italian sausages. phil was a great host to the guys, it was nice. then they left around 7 and i basically went home, played around on garage band a bit (hayden inspired me) but then crashed, due to the lack of sleep this weekend.
it is sad whenever zach leaves, because i just don't like for that to happen. however, this time was a bit easier only since i know i am roadtripping out to utah with two of my favorite girls in 11 days now!!! THAT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN! i'm going to a wedding with zach friday night so the girls will be hanging out with heather in provo which is going to be so fun for them. then on saturday i want to show them salt lake city and take them to church out there, and we'll head home early sunday since i start summer school the next day. it'll be a short trip but it will be fun. i have to count everything God is giving me as a blessing, and not a curse. i am thankful that zach and i have gotten through a semester and it was bearable and it went by sort of fast so after summer, just one more semester of this nonsense and then i'll be in utah with him. that excites me!
okay. homework calls my name.
i was blessed to see zach, and be refreshed by good talks and happy times. he's fun. :) hayden and rob came out too. on friday we went to church and then to the rio for margaritas, then ended up at the luscious nectar (weird name, i know.) since the rio closed at 11! it was lame because the jazz beat the nuggets and i don't even really want to talk about it. so we won't. :)
saturday morning we had breakfast at my house with my parents and grandparents who were in town seeing my little sister's play. that was entertaining in itself because my grandpa is the weirdest most hilarious guy ever. plus hayden is really funny too. haha. then we got ready for our day, lounged around the house a bit, but headed to starbucks to see maddie working, and then to chipotle so rob could try his half chicken half steak burrito masterpiece. the two boys went to denver, and zach and i got to go back home and hang out together until becky's play that night. it was really fun. when we got back from the play we hung out with my parents a bit too, which was fun and relaxing.
sunday we headed back up to fort collins early (except we were running late!) to make it for church. after church we got lunch with friends at big city burrito. (hayden and rob's first time!) then we went to phil's to watch the jazz/lakers game (UGH!) and play settlers, and grill some italian sausages. phil was a great host to the guys, it was nice. then they left around 7 and i basically went home, played around on garage band a bit (hayden inspired me) but then crashed, due to the lack of sleep this weekend.
it is sad whenever zach leaves, because i just don't like for that to happen. however, this time was a bit easier only since i know i am roadtripping out to utah with two of my favorite girls in 11 days now!!! THAT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN! i'm going to a wedding with zach friday night so the girls will be hanging out with heather in provo which is going to be so fun for them. then on saturday i want to show them salt lake city and take them to church out there, and we'll head home early sunday since i start summer school the next day. it'll be a short trip but it will be fun. i have to count everything God is giving me as a blessing, and not a curse. i am thankful that zach and i have gotten through a semester and it was bearable and it went by sort of fast so after summer, just one more semester of this nonsense and then i'll be in utah with him. that excites me!
okay. homework calls my name.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
encouragement.
For the LORD God is our light and protector. He gives grace and glory. No good thing will the LORD withhold from those who do what is right. -Psalm 84:11
rest in THAT, Christian.
rest in THAT, Christian.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
philippians 2:3, matthew 5:16 and stuff.
what a humbling night. God is so so good.
tonight at small group we were to go off on our own and evaluate our walk with God. i encourage everyone to do this. here are the questions that were asked:
-How is my relationship with Jesus? Is my own personal spiritual life vibrant and active or dull and dying?
-What has been my experience this semester being in the word and praying? Why is it this way?
-Am I struggling with some sin in my life? What do I need to do about it?
-What fruit have I seen from God's spirit living inside me?
-What has God shown me about Himself this semester? What about him do I still struggle with?
-Have I surrendered everything of me to God? What am I hanging on to still? Is there a gospel other than the gospel of God's grace that I believe to find safety or hope or fulfillment?
-How's my humility?
-How have I done at loving my brothers and sisters in Christ? Have I actively built them up? Have I been praying for them? Do I share in their burdens and trials as I share mine with them? Have I been laying down my life for them?
-Am I submitting to my leaders in a God honoring way and how can I make it a joy for them to lead me?
-Where is my faith leading me? What are my visions and goals for the future? What do I need to do now to accomplish these things?
-Are there circumstances in my life that are changing and how do I respond to these changes? Who should I seek counsel from about my decisions?
talk about some convicting stuff. pretty much EVERY question convicts me. i never want to settle with who i am, or where i'm at with God. i have soo much to work on, and i want to know God so so so much better. i just realized how selfish i am, and how i live for myself and not for Christ. this has to change. i think of this verse:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. -Phil. 2:3
i want my life to reflect Christ. i feel like God is putting that on my heart NOW more than ever. i want to witness through my life. i want to love selflessly. i want to be humble. i want to be filled with the Holy Spirit in every area of my life. i owe Him my life because He died for me. i want Jesus first. i want to cling to Him. He is the answer to everything.
JESUS IS GOOD.
tonight at small group we were to go off on our own and evaluate our walk with God. i encourage everyone to do this. here are the questions that were asked:
-How is my relationship with Jesus? Is my own personal spiritual life vibrant and active or dull and dying?
-What has been my experience this semester being in the word and praying? Why is it this way?
-Am I struggling with some sin in my life? What do I need to do about it?
-What fruit have I seen from God's spirit living inside me?
-What has God shown me about Himself this semester? What about him do I still struggle with?
-Have I surrendered everything of me to God? What am I hanging on to still? Is there a gospel other than the gospel of God's grace that I believe to find safety or hope or fulfillment?
-How's my humility?
-How have I done at loving my brothers and sisters in Christ? Have I actively built them up? Have I been praying for them? Do I share in their burdens and trials as I share mine with them? Have I been laying down my life for them?
-Am I submitting to my leaders in a God honoring way and how can I make it a joy for them to lead me?
-Where is my faith leading me? What are my visions and goals for the future? What do I need to do now to accomplish these things?
-Are there circumstances in my life that are changing and how do I respond to these changes? Who should I seek counsel from about my decisions?
talk about some convicting stuff. pretty much EVERY question convicts me. i never want to settle with who i am, or where i'm at with God. i have soo much to work on, and i want to know God so so so much better. i just realized how selfish i am, and how i live for myself and not for Christ. this has to change. i think of this verse:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. -Phil. 2:3
i want my life to reflect Christ. i feel like God is putting that on my heart NOW more than ever. i want to witness through my life. i want to love selflessly. i want to be humble. i want to be filled with the Holy Spirit in every area of my life. i owe Him my life because He died for me. i want Jesus first. i want to cling to Him. He is the answer to everything.
JESUS IS GOOD.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love him."
-Romans 8:28
well? today has been quite a day. not in the best way but i'm trusting God to the best of my ability. i'm praying for faith. i am trying to not take anything in my own hands. i know i'm being vague, by the way. but that's what happens when you blog. you can't share every little detail of your life. haha. it mostly is just fears for the future, financial stuff you know?
i trust my Father is taking care of His children. i trust He has better plans. i believe He is testing us to see where our hearts are at, and i know i want to prove faithful. i know i have a long long long ways to go when it comes to trusting God, but He's never let me down. and i'm confident He never will.
anyways, that's been today. but God is good. so why worry?
last night was a pretty cool thing. we have been focusing on outreach in the dorms, so last night a couple of us passed out cookies to people in the dorms and handed out tracts as well. we got some neat responses, one guy was assuring us that we made his whole day. :) a few people asked some questions about what church we go to, so that was neat to get the word out there. it's cool to think someday i will get to stand face to face with God and hear Him say, "well done, my good and faithful servant." every little thing we do matters, even passing out cookies for an hour. :) what is funny is i wasn't looking forward to doing it, i wanted to be selfish and get some sleep. but in giving up that extra hour of my precious sleep, God really blessed my evening.
hm, short vague post. whoops, oh well. :)
-Romans 8:28
well? today has been quite a day. not in the best way but i'm trusting God to the best of my ability. i'm praying for faith. i am trying to not take anything in my own hands. i know i'm being vague, by the way. but that's what happens when you blog. you can't share every little detail of your life. haha. it mostly is just fears for the future, financial stuff you know?
i trust my Father is taking care of His children. i trust He has better plans. i believe He is testing us to see where our hearts are at, and i know i want to prove faithful. i know i have a long long long ways to go when it comes to trusting God, but He's never let me down. and i'm confident He never will.
anyways, that's been today. but God is good. so why worry?
last night was a pretty cool thing. we have been focusing on outreach in the dorms, so last night a couple of us passed out cookies to people in the dorms and handed out tracts as well. we got some neat responses, one guy was assuring us that we made his whole day. :) a few people asked some questions about what church we go to, so that was neat to get the word out there. it's cool to think someday i will get to stand face to face with God and hear Him say, "well done, my good and faithful servant." every little thing we do matters, even passing out cookies for an hour. :) what is funny is i wasn't looking forward to doing it, i wanted to be selfish and get some sleep. but in giving up that extra hour of my precious sleep, God really blessed my evening.
hm, short vague post. whoops, oh well. :)
Monday, April 26, 2010
it'll be a good day.
i already got done with two classes and now i have a nice big gap until four. and in that class we get to watch presentations. EASY PEEEZY!
God is good. this morning allison and i met up for prayer. we do that every monday, wednesday and friday (and weekends--just not as faithful about the time) at 8:20-8:40. it's something our church is doing, a constant praying cycle for our church body. it's a cool thing. it really blesses my day to pray with my best friend. even when i feel tired and groggy or stressed, it's nice to come before my Father and talk to Him before starting my day.
i just ate delicious subway and in about five minutes i'm heading to al's to pick her up and go to the bank, target and old navy. i'm in desperate need for 2.50 flip flops. great deal! then i'm going to get my hair highlighted at one fifteen. busy busy day.
it's my friend andrea's birthday so i got to go see her working at subway. what a beautiful girl after God's own heart! i was encouraged to hear what a great day it's been for her. i love my family in Christ. :) how blessed i am!
friday zach, hayden and rob come! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! i haven't seen zach in over a month but it FEELS like a year!! God is good in our distance, but i'm reaaaal glad he's coming to visit me. it's long overdue i feel like. :) it's really neat to see God working in our relationship. He's so good to bring us together in His timing and His plan. definitely not what i expected, but i am so happy with how things are. i'm excited to have our relationship be used for advancing God's kingdom however He wants that to look.
God is worth following. He's worth giving everything up. He has such a better plan than we can construct for ourselves. that's the truth alright!
hope you guys have a blessed day in Jesus Christ.
Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. Sing to the Lord; praise His name; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among his peoples. For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens.
~Psalm 96:1-5~
Sunday, April 25, 2010
my heart is Yours.
You won't relent until You have it all, my heart is Yours.
i'll set You as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm.
for there is Love that is as strong as death, jealousy demanding as the grave.
many waters cannot quench this Love.
beautiful. i love this song, and i have been listening to it all day long. i want these lyrics stamped in my heart, engraved in me. i love that God wants all of me. He will not be satisfied with pieces of my heart. He wants it all, and He deserves it all and more. He bought me, He brought me back to Him.
why does my heart wonder? why do i try to be satisfied by things in this world? it will not do. i love that God keeps fighting for my whole heart, He is the lover of my soul. He is a jealous God, el Qanna, fighting for my love.
i love my God. i fear my God. He is strong and mighty, loving and just, tender and compassionate. there is no one like Him. and anything good in this world is from Him.
we were not made for this world. we were made for something so much more. and we should listen to that voice, calling to us, drawing us closer. i want my God to reveal more of Himself to me. i want my God to capture my heart again. to set it on fire. to let it weep for this world, to overflow with love for His people.
come be the fire inside of me. come be the flame upon my heart.
come be the fire inside of me until You and i are one.
...watch and listen to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3spvQYlB-I
i'll set You as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm.
for there is Love that is as strong as death, jealousy demanding as the grave.
many waters cannot quench this Love.
beautiful. i love this song, and i have been listening to it all day long. i want these lyrics stamped in my heart, engraved in me. i love that God wants all of me. He will not be satisfied with pieces of my heart. He wants it all, and He deserves it all and more. He bought me, He brought me back to Him.
why does my heart wonder? why do i try to be satisfied by things in this world? it will not do. i love that God keeps fighting for my whole heart, He is the lover of my soul. He is a jealous God, el Qanna, fighting for my love.
i love my God. i fear my God. He is strong and mighty, loving and just, tender and compassionate. there is no one like Him. and anything good in this world is from Him.
we were not made for this world. we were made for something so much more. and we should listen to that voice, calling to us, drawing us closer. i want my God to reveal more of Himself to me. i want my God to capture my heart again. to set it on fire. to let it weep for this world, to overflow with love for His people.
come be the fire inside of me. come be the flame upon my heart.
come be the fire inside of me until You and i are one.
...watch and listen to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3spvQYlB-I
Saturday, April 24, 2010
the first.
it's a rainy saturday morning and i'm waiting for a friend to call and join me for coffee shop quiet times, then grocery shopping. tonight we're doing this thing called "men's appreciation." it's a chance for us to take a night and devote it to appreciating our brothers on our small group. i'm excited! we're making them some hamburgers and sweet potato fries and salad stuff while they play risk and settlers, and end the night with a manly movie of their choice! that's all very random but it's what is happening tonight.
my mood reflects the weather today. kind of dreary, cold and overcast. i'm struggling with being in colorado to be frankly honest. not because i don't love colorado or the people here, because BELIEVE ME--i do! it's just hard being in a long distance relationship when everything in me wants to start my life with him now. i don't know how people do it without Christ, that's for sure. i would say it's not worth it if it's not from God. i still have a while to go and i want to make the most of it but it definitely gets to me, and today is just one of those days i suppose.
well i hope it gets sunny here shortly, because summer is almost approaching and it's still cold! i am so ready to wear shorts and tank tops and run around barefoot on the green grass playing frisbee or something. and i'm ready for the sun to beat down on my skin and relax me. mmm, i'm glad i have that to look forward to. :)
that's really all for today. i am going to try to keep up with this thing though!
"the Lord your God is with you; he is mighty to save. he will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -zephaniah 3:17
my mood reflects the weather today. kind of dreary, cold and overcast. i'm struggling with being in colorado to be frankly honest. not because i don't love colorado or the people here, because BELIEVE ME--i do! it's just hard being in a long distance relationship when everything in me wants to start my life with him now. i don't know how people do it without Christ, that's for sure. i would say it's not worth it if it's not from God. i still have a while to go and i want to make the most of it but it definitely gets to me, and today is just one of those days i suppose.
well i hope it gets sunny here shortly, because summer is almost approaching and it's still cold! i am so ready to wear shorts and tank tops and run around barefoot on the green grass playing frisbee or something. and i'm ready for the sun to beat down on my skin and relax me. mmm, i'm glad i have that to look forward to. :)
that's really all for today. i am going to try to keep up with this thing though!
"the Lord your God is with you; he is mighty to save. he will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -zephaniah 3:17
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