the big move.

well, lets be honest, i didn't know how hard this was really going to be until i got here. aaand, i'm only on day three.

i've cried the past two days. it's like, once my dad left i felt SO LONELY. i'm a major daddy's girl, and my dad and i are really close, so that seemed to hit me the hardest. not to mention, i'm in a house by myself for this first week of utah. that's been another trial. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and far away from my family...it really does break my heart. i know things will get easier and that this is a time of a big transition, but i just didn't realize the impact until...well, now.

i've had quiet times in the morning, and listened to sermons by mark darling while i've been letting my hair air-dry (yes, i forgot my hair-dryer...blah) and that has been nice, but by the time noon rolls around, i am so "blah" that i don't even know what to do with myself. the weather is snowy and cold here, and i haven't mustered up the courage to roam about town to finish applying for jobs until zach gets off work. poor guy must think i'm the most depressed person ever.

the truth is, everything is hard. one of my best friends just recently lost her dad, which makes me think so much about how stupid i am to leave my family. i just got a call that my grandpa had a heart attack and is in the ICU at the hospital. i have no job, but i got hired for an UNPAID internship. i'm cut-off from the parents. it seems like nobody in utah is really in town, even. and i take all this sadness out on zach. it's such a weird thing. i hope that in a few months i can look back on this post and be SO MUCH happier. i'm just so uncomfortable right now. i'm sure it's a good place to be, and that God is going to really grow me leaps and bounds. i just need to feel Him WAY more than i do right now. i need Him to give me strength, i need Him to give me hope in this life, this future. i need to remember that this is not my Home, Colorado, Utah...neither.

Heaven is my Home. God is my Dad.

i need to remember this constantly, and i need this to change my attitude. if i don't shape up, i'm going to miss a really great opportunity for God to work in my life. i want to trust Him for a job, i want to trust Him for my security, i want to trust Him with my relationships, i want to trust Him to watch over my family, i want to trust Him to lead me. i know He is here with me, i just need this to impact my heart more. one day at a time, and it'll get easier and easier. just please pray. this was so much harder than i thought it would be, and i feel so foolish for being so discontent in colorado. i just keep thinking about my family and wonderful friends who i already miss so much. i never want to lose those relationships, or even have them change. that's what is so scary.

but i just need to really let God be my everything, and its clear to me that He's not right now.

godliness with contentment is great gain.