God is good. sometimes that's all i can say, but then other times i sit and wonder if i really believe it. what a weird year it's been with God. i've been so distracted in a relationship, and trying to figure out how to juggle a relationship with my Lord and Savior and a relationship with the man i'm going to marry. i had these unrealistic expectations that being in a relationship with a man who loves the Lord is going to make me even more on fire for God and i'm going to grow leaps and bounds, and yada yada yada. i've grown, i really have...but not in any way i thought i would.
God has been etching at me in areas such as stubbornness, pride, insecurity, and baggage. (there's way more, trust me. i have NOTHING put together, pretty much.) God has used zach in my life to really point out these areas of selfishness that i wouldn't have seen otherwise.
i just watched a chick flick tonight with my friend andrea, and i feel like these relationships are so romanticized. it makes me mad because it gives us all this horrible impression that there's fights, fights, fights, and then this couple realizes how much they love each other and they live happily ever after and have it all together. that's such crap. i LOVE zach and i know he is perfect for me and that God made this happen, not us. but it's true that relationships are hard, and they take a whole lot of work.
men and women are so different. our needs, the way we think, even the way we express our emotions. it's amazing that together, man and woman make a complete picture of Christ and that's why He does it that way, but it doesn't make the struggle any easier. the way we function and operate is just, different. and it's good!
anyways, i was sitting there talking to God this morning about my needs and the way i want to be loved, and it hit me. this is what God wants from ME. i sit here and tell zach and i want him to express more passion, because he may show love in a different way but i am completely guilty of that lack of passion for Jesus. the man who shed all his blood on a cross for me, the man who died a shameful death in public for me, the man who literally thought of ME and YOU individually as He told His Father, "Your will be done." i just can't believe that i can sit here and tell zach that i need to be loved this way, when i can't even do that for Jesus. it's ridiculous. my flesh is horrible! i honestly don't know how Jesus loves me, or how zach even loves me sometimes. being in a relationship is the most humbling thing, because i see so much of who i really am, and how sinful i really am, and how needy i am of the Gospel.
so this doesn't really have a point, and took a completely different turn than where i thought it was going, but i'm glad it went there. i'm glad that God put on my heart what the Gospel is. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but i forget it every single day. i'll forget it in five minutes, i wouldn't be surprised.
my relationship with a man who loves the Lord has been amazing for me. i have confidence and faith in him, because i know his heart is after God's and i know God's leading will not let us be put to shame. but if i am not content with Jesus, than i am ALWAYS going to find something else that i need from zach, that he can't offer me. to all the single girls (or guys) out there that believe you will feel "secure" when you're in a relationship, it's a lie. it's the biggest lie from Satan. because whenever i look to zach for some sort of identity fulfillment, i am left empty and disappointed. he cannot place in me my worth, he is not where i can go to for my "identity". our only safe place is Jesus. people, even the best of people, are going to hurt you and disappoint you and not fulfill your desires. without Jesus, we are left with an empty spot that nothing can replace or fill. God may take something away from you, but He will NEVER leave you. God may discipline you, but He will NEVER make you feel like you are unworthy. the secret to a healthy relationship should not be a secret at all, it should be shouted from every rooftop...it's to LOVE JESUS most, and to go to Him for security. that's your only safe place.
and please know, i'm preaching this to myself, because i don't have this figured out. like i said, i want to love God so much more than i really do. there's something i'm dead sure of though, and that's His undying love for me, and His unwavering presence in my life, His sovereignty in guiding me, and having the best plans for me. it's there in the Bible, He said it.
i'm so thankful that He put me in a relationship not to make me feel "complete" but just to show me yet again how much i need Him. i am so needy for a Savior, and so are you. mmm, sure is beautiful though.
Megan,
ReplyDeleteMany times I have met women who desire to find their identities in their spouses,and it is always empty and not fulfilling. They are lonely, want more from their spouse but can never seem to get "enough". It really breaks my heart.
At Faithwalkers, one of the speakers said that we can sometimes idolize marriage. We say "oh, I hate being single. If I get married, it will solve all of the problems of being single and than it will be so awesome and so happy and wonderful." So you place all of your energy and worship on the idea of GETTING marriage to solve all of your problems, than expect your spouse to be someone or something for you that they can't be.
Like Mark Driscoll says, "Two sinners don't equal Happily Ever After." and I'll have to tell you about my favorite book EVER, that says conflict solves things and it's a GOOD thing. I'm thankful that my relationship with KC is not like in the movies, and sometimes we have to have conflict to come to a solution.
I appreciate this post. Thank you for sharing :)
- Amanda