the big move.

well, lets be honest, i didn't know how hard this was really going to be until i got here. aaand, i'm only on day three.

i've cried the past two days. it's like, once my dad left i felt SO LONELY. i'm a major daddy's girl, and my dad and i are really close, so that seemed to hit me the hardest. not to mention, i'm in a house by myself for this first week of utah. that's been another trial. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and far away from my family...it really does break my heart. i know things will get easier and that this is a time of a big transition, but i just didn't realize the impact until...well, now.

i've had quiet times in the morning, and listened to sermons by mark darling while i've been letting my hair air-dry (yes, i forgot my hair-dryer...blah) and that has been nice, but by the time noon rolls around, i am so "blah" that i don't even know what to do with myself. the weather is snowy and cold here, and i haven't mustered up the courage to roam about town to finish applying for jobs until zach gets off work. poor guy must think i'm the most depressed person ever.

the truth is, everything is hard. one of my best friends just recently lost her dad, which makes me think so much about how stupid i am to leave my family. i just got a call that my grandpa had a heart attack and is in the ICU at the hospital. i have no job, but i got hired for an UNPAID internship. i'm cut-off from the parents. it seems like nobody in utah is really in town, even. and i take all this sadness out on zach. it's such a weird thing. i hope that in a few months i can look back on this post and be SO MUCH happier. i'm just so uncomfortable right now. i'm sure it's a good place to be, and that God is going to really grow me leaps and bounds. i just need to feel Him WAY more than i do right now. i need Him to give me strength, i need Him to give me hope in this life, this future. i need to remember that this is not my Home, Colorado, Utah...neither.

Heaven is my Home. God is my Dad.

i need to remember this constantly, and i need this to change my attitude. if i don't shape up, i'm going to miss a really great opportunity for God to work in my life. i want to trust Him for a job, i want to trust Him for my security, i want to trust Him with my relationships, i want to trust Him to watch over my family, i want to trust Him to lead me. i know He is here with me, i just need this to impact my heart more. one day at a time, and it'll get easier and easier. just please pray. this was so much harder than i thought it would be, and i feel so foolish for being so discontent in colorado. i just keep thinking about my family and wonderful friends who i already miss so much. i never want to lose those relationships, or even have them change. that's what is so scary.

but i just need to really let God be my everything, and its clear to me that He's not right now.

godliness with contentment is great gain.

goodbye, colorado.

tonight is my last night as a colorado resident. the lights in the house are off, and i'm still up thinking about this new life i'm about to start. it's so funny how you really can't blink, or you're gonna miss it. i feel like high school was yesterday, or writing my parents a letter of why they should let me go on a road-trip to utah when i was sixteen. so amazing how fast life is. i don't wanna miss it.

i'm feeling pretty nervous. i said goodbye to two of my best friends allison and maddie tonight. they were so sweet to just come hang out and be lazy with me. the reason it's so hard to leave colorado is because of the people. i have a great family and wonderful friends, and i'm leaving them. i'm so thankful that utah is only a state away, so then road trips will be in order. :)

i should be sleeping, because i'm driving for 8 hours and i know i'll get sleepy in the ride. i'll be praying that caffeine will really kick in, and adrenaline too.

i can't believe zach and i are starting this new journey in our relationship too. i'm excited to see what we learn from each other and how we adapt as a couple, even. it'll be nice being able to do normal things together, like watching tv and going to church and cooking dinner together. i'm so excited for the simple things. and for the spontaneous road trips i will force him to take, back to colorado.

it's so hard when your heart is in two places. wish i could live in both places so bad, but i can't. who ever thought that i'd be sad to leave this place, when i have been talking about moving for sooo long?

mostly i am nervous about finding a good job. God really is going to stretch and test my faith, and i really want to prove faithful, i want to trust my Savior for providing for me. i want to be exactly where he plans for me to be. it'll all work out, i just have to be patient and trusting. my God is my Rock. i'm really excited for a fresh start, and getting into good habits right when i move. it's convenient that the new year is starting, so i can make out some work-out resolutions as well. this christmas i ate...A LOT.

well. i guess i'll go to bed now. so long, for now...

relationships and God and how the two work.

God is good. sometimes that's all i can say, but then other times i sit and wonder if i really believe it. what a weird year it's been with God. i've been so distracted in a relationship, and trying to figure out how to juggle a relationship with my Lord and Savior and a relationship with the man i'm going to marry. i had these unrealistic expectations that being in a relationship with a man who loves the Lord is going to make me even more on fire for God and i'm going to grow leaps and bounds, and yada yada yada. i've grown, i really have...but not in any way i thought i would.

God has been etching at me in areas such as stubbornness, pride, insecurity, and baggage. (there's way more, trust me. i have NOTHING put together, pretty much.) God has used zach in my life to really point out these areas of selfishness that i wouldn't have seen otherwise.

i just watched a chick flick tonight with my friend andrea, and i feel like these relationships are so romanticized. it makes me mad because it gives us all this horrible impression that there's fights, fights, fights, and then this couple realizes how much they love each other and they live happily ever after and have it all together. that's such crap. i LOVE zach and i know he is perfect for me and that God made this happen, not us. but it's true that relationships are hard, and they take a whole lot of work.

men and women are so different. our needs, the way we think, even the way we express our emotions. it's amazing that together, man and woman make a complete picture of Christ and that's why He does it that way, but it doesn't make the struggle any easier. the way we function and operate is just, different. and it's good!

anyways, i was sitting there talking to God this morning about my needs and the way i want to be loved, and it hit me. this is what God wants from ME. i sit here and tell zach and i want him to express more passion, because he may show love in a different way but i am completely guilty of that lack of passion for Jesus. the man who shed all his blood on a cross for me, the man who died a shameful death in public for me, the man who literally thought of ME and YOU individually as He told His Father, "Your will be done." i just can't believe that i can sit here and tell zach that i need to be loved this way, when i can't even do that for Jesus. it's ridiculous. my flesh is horrible! i honestly don't know how Jesus loves me, or how zach even loves me sometimes. being in a relationship is the most humbling thing, because i see so much of who i really am, and how sinful i really am, and how needy i am of the Gospel.

so this doesn't really have a point, and took a completely different turn than where i thought it was going, but i'm glad it went there. i'm glad that God put on my heart what the Gospel is. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but i forget it every single day. i'll forget it in five minutes, i wouldn't be surprised.

my relationship with a man who loves the Lord has been amazing for me. i have confidence and faith in him, because i know his heart is after God's and i know God's leading will not let us be put to shame. but if i am not content with Jesus, than i am ALWAYS going to find something else that i need from zach, that he can't offer me. to all the single girls (or guys) out there that believe you will feel "secure" when you're in a relationship, it's a lie. it's the biggest lie from Satan. because whenever i look to zach for some sort of identity fulfillment, i am left empty and disappointed. he cannot place in me my worth, he is not where i can go to for my "identity". our only safe place is Jesus. people, even the best of people, are going to hurt you and disappoint you and not fulfill your desires. without Jesus, we are left with an empty spot that nothing can replace or fill. God may take something away from you, but He will NEVER leave you. God may discipline you, but He will NEVER make you feel like you are unworthy. the secret to a healthy relationship should not be a secret at all, it should be shouted from every rooftop...it's to LOVE JESUS most, and to go to Him for security. that's your only safe place.

and please know, i'm preaching this to myself, because i don't have this figured out. like i said, i want to love God so much more than i really do. there's something i'm dead sure of though, and that's His undying love for me, and His unwavering presence in my life, His sovereignty in guiding me, and having the best plans for me. it's there in the Bible, He said it.

i'm so thankful that He put me in a relationship not to make me feel "complete" but just to show me yet again how much i need Him. i am so needy for a Savior, and so are you. mmm, sure is beautiful though.

one week.

So I decided to write about the moving and graduating process, because it helps me really savor it, you know?

Today is my last real day of college ever, in my life. And of course, I miss my first two classes. (Hey, it's senioritis at its worst!) Instead, I spent the morning starting a wedding website (stay tuned) and packing up my room. I took the two decorations I had up down, and cleaned out my "everything" drawer so it's in a box ready to be moved into my car. I'm going to make a trip home on Tuesday to bring a load down after my internship. Luckily I'm going to a Nuggets game after that with Maddie and Vic, so that makes me suuuper happy. Then I'll head back up here on Wednesday to have a girl-date with Jenn and my last final on Thursday. Crazy. Less than a week, and I will be a College Graduate. Time FLEW!!! I remember my first Friday at school, we watched High School Musical 2 in Allison's dorm room. haha. Started it off right for sure. It went by so fast, but I changed so much. Crazy. I feel flustered because my room seems so messy and I don't know what to do with everything. I'm the type of girl that gets stressed out if any of my space is messy. I blame it on my mother.

Today I have to turn in my locker and shirt for Pilates. Then we're having a party in my Sign Language class. That is how I get to spend my last day of college...worked out well I'd say. :)

I'm getting excited again to move to Utah. I'm happy I get to live with Becki Porter, she's pretty hilarious. I'm excited I get to borrow a bed, until I get married and move in with Zach. I just have to get a dresser and stuff. Who even knows. I have never felt so...helpless? I don't know the word I'm looking for. I guess like I have nothing, and know nothing. This is going to be a crazy adventure. I really hope it suits me well. I go back and forth with it all the time! I'm excited because I know it's going to change me in a way God intends. I am so naive, and I really don't feel like a grown up. This is going to help me take charge more, and pay my own bills, and learn about budgeting and all the boring stuff.

I'm really excited to be best friends with God in the process too. I already know this is going to happen, because anytime I'm in an unfamiliar situation, God is my closest friend. I hate that when I'm comfortable, Him and I aren't as great. I've struggled in loving Him most this past year, and I'm excited to really cling to Him and see Him come through. I can't believe He still loves me, after so many times I don't choose Him.

I keep thinking about my family, and how much I will miss them. My sister is going to Korea for a year to teach English, and won't even get to be there for my wedding. I am so proud of her though. I feel bad for my little sister, that her two sisters are leaving at once. She takes that stuff hard. I'm sad for my mom and dad who have to face all this too. I am sure it's hard not to take personally, but they have been so supportive!

Wow, this is the most up and down entry ever. Time to keep packing and getting ready for school. :)

wake up call.

well, the fact that life really is about to drastically change for me is starting to become real. i can almost touch it, it's within my reach...

and i feel helpless. i feel excited. i feel scared. i feel ready. i feel nervous.

i've wanted this for i can't tell you how long, to move to salt lake city, and be a part of the rock church, and to be graduated from college, and now, to be close to zach. and now, it's so close i can count the days. i can count the weeks on one hand. it's close.

i feel emotional about it, when for so long i've been checked out. i've been so apathetic. i apologize to my friends, to my family.

want the truth? the truth is, i'm REALLY going to miss you all. the truth is God has BLESSED me with the most amazing people who love me and care about me, and who have changed my life. the truth is, once i move i won't see my family any weekend i want to go home and see them. the truth is, sunday football won't include sitting by a nice warm fireplace and eating dad's green chili in my family's company. the truth is i won't see the same smiling faces every wednesday night at small group. i won't walk upstairs to see two adorable children, excited about one thing or another, and an amazing Godly woman there to brighten my day. i won't get to join my best friend at new belgium at four pm on a friday for free beer samples. i won't get to see my best friends anytime i want. things will be different, and i finally feel that pain...because the change is so close that i can't take these things for granted. there's not a lot of time left here with these people.

i just don't want to lose you all. i don't want to be distant. i don't want to miss out.

i know that what God has for me in the future is GOOD. i am so excited to join my brothers and sisters in Salt Lake who love Jesus, and music, and Starbucks (ha ha). i know that God is going to use this transition to grow me in ways that i couldn't have here in colorado. God is going to stretch me out of my comfort zone, and it will be good. it will be scary, but so good.

i just wanted to be honest, and share my heart. life is crazy and scary and i couldn't ever do it without my Jesus. He's the only only only only ONLY one who is the Same. HE is my Safe Place, He is my Home.

don't get me wrong, i still want to move to utah and be with zach so so badly, and i am thrilled to be there...but to every beginning, there is an ending. and all i've ever known is colorado. but this will be good, because my real Home is still waiting for me, and that is never going to change. and God lives in me and goes with me, which is the greatest thing of all. i have comfort and joy knowing that God directs my steps, and He has planned this for me before He gave me breath. it makes me smile in knowing that. i only ever want to be in the center of Your Will, Father. thank you for blessings, both in colorado and in utah. and thank you that both places get to be my home on earth now. :)

life is an adventure, and i'm glad God is my Captain.
Jeremiah 29:11