Monday, July 26, 2010

night run.

mmmmm.

i just got back from a run in the perfect temperature when dusk meets summer. i don't even like running, but i really see the rewards when i'm finished. i feel fresh, (even though i'm sweating like a pig and my cheeks are flushed with red) i feel new. i kept thinking and praying as i was running, "God, help me go further."

and man it couldn't be more true in my walk with God as well. i want to go further. i want to run harder. i want to beat my body so i'm disciplined to always follow Christ. i want to respect my God and fear my God, and out of that fear seek His face continually.

i read today in Isaiah 6:5- "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

what amazing fear. i just don't understand (ever, really) my place before God. i can't comprehend His Holiness, His Power, His Goodness. i don't understand how wretched i am. i know that's horrible, but it's the truth. i know i'm a sinner but i can not grasp the depth of my darkness, my despair. God has saved me from myself. He has completely turned my life around. He has disciplined me to run hard after Him. tonight was a lesson as i was gasping for more air, mentally telling myself to not stop running, to make it to the next mark. i want my Spiritual life to be this way. and when i gasp, i want to be gasping for Christ, who is my source of Life. and when i'm mentally telling myself to keep running, i want to keep reading God's word, keep praying to the One who continually delivers me. and i want Him to be my motivation to make it to the next mark, no matter how tired i am, or how hard life may seem.

God gives us really cool metaphors to understand Him, we just need to open our eyes more. i love my God, He's my PORTION.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

ps. i love you.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

bad week, so it seems. i can't snap out of my funk. i know i am spreading it to you too, as hard as you're trying to get us out of it. what's my problem? i don't even know. i feel like i have just become accustomed to discontentment. dissatisfaction. disappointment. distance.

i know it's only a week, but a bad week can feel like eternity. maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but i don't want to downplay my feelings. frustration, loneliness, numbness even. is this another lesson to be learned from God? that i can only lean on Him, only count on Him for peace? it's funny how often i have to learn things from God. how often He has to take away things i may put above Him, without my own realization.

i feel like i'm living my life without you, even though i know it's not true. small talk won't do it for me. as much as i tell myself it'll be better this time, i can't seem to snap out of this...weirdness. i'm not worried, though. i know your heart and i know mine. i know that next week we'll be laughing at this off-week. or at least we'll be praying our way out of it.

i feel like i'm being dramatic, but at the same time i feel like i'm being completely real and that scares me. my life isn't perfect, my relationships aren't perfect, i'm weak. why is it that we fear exposing our weaknesses to others when that is where our source of strength comes from? God can be glorified, i keep saying as i write this.

so, here's the truth. i feel like i am missing out on so much. i feel so ready to start my life with you, and yet we're living separately...just passing time. i don't want this mentality. i want to live fully, purposefully, excitably. and i do when we're together. but i just feel like tonight, as i'm sitting in this abandoned coffee shop, that i am missing out on all the things you're enjoying. and as happy as i am for you, i'm sad too. i'm sad i'm not there.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

thanks, paul.

godliness. contentment. great gain.

sounds good to me, but how? my God is my peace, but i still struggle. i'm still learning. and by all means, give me your wisdom on how to do this. how to live peaceably in my heart. how to live contently no matter where i may be, or who i may be with.

here's one thing that keeps me going. God is always with me. He is always listening to me. He's real. He's my Best Friend, my Father, my Love. i need to keep pressing with Him, and keep trusting His timing.

wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. -psalm 24:17

and the real truth is, the end of the year isn't that far away. and this funk we're in is going to pass. and we'll find a new mountain to conquer. and we're learning, and it's not easy but we're learning. God is refining us, and making us desperate for Him.
and for that, it's worth it.

ps. i love you.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

i saw God today.

i wanted to share with you how amazing and real and evident God is.

i certainly saw Him today.

obviously i can't give too many details out of the respect of other people, but for about a month now i have been struggling with an unreconciled conflict between a person. i went to bed last night and woke up this morning with it on my heart. i have been angry that i can't seem to let it go, not be bitter, forgive, apologize, etc. I went on a prayer walk and had two close friends pray for me about the situation, and I asked for conviction because I didn't feel convicted.

later that night was infusion. it started with worship.

"not to us, but to Your Name be the Glory." i've sung it before, plenty of times. but i got the thought in my head that God asks us to persevere in relationships not for us, but for HIM and because when we're united we bring God GLORY. I want nothing more than to glorify God.

which is what i just got back from. the topic was perseverance, but rory whitney somehow related it to UNITY. he broke it down into three parts, we must be united in our thoughts, speech, and vision. i can tell you that my heart had some ugly thoughts, and my speech some ugly words. rory kept saying, "i know this isn't really my topic, but i felt God led me to speak about this." i don't know, after all that was said tonight i just couldn't stand there and not do something. God answered my prayer of conviction. and i acted on it. i don't know what will come of it, but i know that RIGHT NOW, i can stand blameless before God with this situation. i can feel peace in my heart with doing something hard for the glory of God.

i love Him so much, and i know that someday i can count on God to bring justice for everything. i know that God is my defender when i feel wronged. i know that God has forgiven me of all my sins and transgressions and they are far more offensive to Him than anybody who i think i shouldn't forgive. we have every reason to forgive people because we've been forgiven INFINITELY more by God. i am so thankful that that is the heart of my God. i am so thankful that He is powerful in using other people to SPEAK to me. i am so thankful that He is refining me, even when it means tearing down my pride.

Praise You, Lord. It's in Your name i write this. may You get the Glory.