miscellaneous, really.

sometimes i don't even know what i'll end up talking about, but i feel like writing tonight.
i'm waiting to talk to zachary, and i'm delaying in reading my book for class. i should get on that. after this. :)

today was good. church was AMAZING. i want to tell you about it. john meyer talked about real faith. listen to it online. www.summitview.com. anyway, afterwards before communion he was explaining it in a whole new light. as he had the cup and bread in his hands, he was saying how Jesus promises never to eat or drink it again until we're with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. it's just so REAL to me, and i know i won't be able to explain it as well as john but i'll try. he related it to how it's our "thing" that we have. like, in a relationship when two people have a "thing" together that they always do. that's what Jesus is doing here for us, so we remember Him. this is a little of my personal life but i don't think zach will mind. :) i'm obviously in a long distance relationship with the man i love. it gets tough sometimes because we don't get to hang out often, but the other night i was saying how i wish we could go on a date, so he said, "okay lets go on one right now!" and being his cute self, described this cute little date we went on, and i couldn't stop smiling! so that was a little "thing" for us. and i'll always remember it and cherish it. anyway, that's what Jesus is doing here too! He's my FIRST LOVE. He wants to have that kind of a relationship too. and He promises to wait for us til we're in Heaven with Him when we take that victory drink resembling His blood shed on the cross. wow, i did a bad job explaining that, but i was crying it was so good. Jesus is just SO PERSONAL! He knows what we need to hear to drive it home to us how much He loves us! Mmmm, Heaven will be SO GOOD. everything else is gonna fade away.

also today i cooked a new dish: baked pesto chicken. it was GREAT! you cover the chicken in pesto and then we added garlic salt, and pepper to it as well, put it in the over for 25 minutes, then take it out and add tomato slices on top with shredded mozzerella cheese. put it back in for five more minutes and wa-la! GOOD FOOD. served with angel hair pasta and french bread. it's definitely a keeper. i love to cook, i really do. i feel blessed living with the family i do cause i get good opportunities to cook some good food for the future. :) hah.

i really should go read. one more week of summer school, PTL! then zach comes friday through monday, and i go there monday through sunday! YAYYYY we will have so much fun! okaybye!

night run.

mmmmm.

i just got back from a run in the perfect temperature when dusk meets summer. i don't even like running, but i really see the rewards when i'm finished. i feel fresh, (even though i'm sweating like a pig and my cheeks are flushed with red) i feel new. i kept thinking and praying as i was running, "God, help me go further."

and man it couldn't be more true in my walk with God as well. i want to go further. i want to run harder. i want to beat my body so i'm disciplined to always follow Christ. i want to respect my God and fear my God, and out of that fear seek His face continually.

i read today in Isaiah 6:5- "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

what amazing fear. i just don't understand (ever, really) my place before God. i can't comprehend His Holiness, His Power, His Goodness. i don't understand how wretched i am. i know that's horrible, but it's the truth. i know i'm a sinner but i can not grasp the depth of my darkness, my despair. God has saved me from myself. He has completely turned my life around. He has disciplined me to run hard after Him. tonight was a lesson as i was gasping for more air, mentally telling myself to not stop running, to make it to the next mark. i want my Spiritual life to be this way. and when i gasp, i want to be gasping for Christ, who is my source of Life. and when i'm mentally telling myself to keep running, i want to keep reading God's word, keep praying to the One who continually delivers me. and i want Him to be my motivation to make it to the next mark, no matter how tired i am, or how hard life may seem.

God gives us really cool metaphors to understand Him, we just need to open our eyes more. i love my God, He's my PORTION.

ps. i love you.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

bad week, so it seems. i can't snap out of my funk. i know i am spreading it to you too, as hard as you're trying to get us out of it. what's my problem? i don't even know. i feel like i have just become accustomed to discontentment. dissatisfaction. disappointment. distance.

i know it's only a week, but a bad week can feel like eternity. maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but i don't want to downplay my feelings. frustration, loneliness, numbness even. is this another lesson to be learned from God? that i can only lean on Him, only count on Him for peace? it's funny how often i have to learn things from God. how often He has to take away things i may put above Him, without my own realization.

i feel like i'm living my life without you, even though i know it's not true. small talk won't do it for me. as much as i tell myself it'll be better this time, i can't seem to snap out of this...weirdness. i'm not worried, though. i know your heart and i know mine. i know that next week we'll be laughing at this off-week. or at least we'll be praying our way out of it.

i feel like i'm being dramatic, but at the same time i feel like i'm being completely real and that scares me. my life isn't perfect, my relationships aren't perfect, i'm weak. why is it that we fear exposing our weaknesses to others when that is where our source of strength comes from? God can be glorified, i keep saying as i write this.

so, here's the truth. i feel like i am missing out on so much. i feel so ready to start my life with you, and yet we're living separately...just passing time. i don't want this mentality. i want to live fully, purposefully, excitably. and i do when we're together. but i just feel like tonight, as i'm sitting in this abandoned coffee shop, that i am missing out on all the things you're enjoying. and as happy as i am for you, i'm sad too. i'm sad i'm not there.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

thanks, paul.

godliness. contentment. great gain.

sounds good to me, but how? my God is my peace, but i still struggle. i'm still learning. and by all means, give me your wisdom on how to do this. how to live peaceably in my heart. how to live contently no matter where i may be, or who i may be with.

here's one thing that keeps me going. God is always with me. He is always listening to me. He's real. He's my Best Friend, my Father, my Love. i need to keep pressing with Him, and keep trusting His timing.

wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. -psalm 24:17

and the real truth is, the end of the year isn't that far away. and this funk we're in is going to pass. and we'll find a new mountain to conquer. and we're learning, and it's not easy but we're learning. God is refining us, and making us desperate for Him.
and for that, it's worth it.

ps. i love you.

i saw God today.

i wanted to share with you how amazing and real and evident God is.

i certainly saw Him today.

obviously i can't give too many details out of the respect of other people, but for about a month now i have been struggling with an unreconciled conflict between a person. i went to bed last night and woke up this morning with it on my heart. i have been angry that i can't seem to let it go, not be bitter, forgive, apologize, etc. I went on a prayer walk and had two close friends pray for me about the situation, and I asked for conviction because I didn't feel convicted.

later that night was infusion. it started with worship.

"not to us, but to Your Name be the Glory." i've sung it before, plenty of times. but i got the thought in my head that God asks us to persevere in relationships not for us, but for HIM and because when we're united we bring God GLORY. I want nothing more than to glorify God.

which is what i just got back from. the topic was perseverance, but rory whitney somehow related it to UNITY. he broke it down into three parts, we must be united in our thoughts, speech, and vision. i can tell you that my heart had some ugly thoughts, and my speech some ugly words. rory kept saying, "i know this isn't really my topic, but i felt God led me to speak about this." i don't know, after all that was said tonight i just couldn't stand there and not do something. God answered my prayer of conviction. and i acted on it. i don't know what will come of it, but i know that RIGHT NOW, i can stand blameless before God with this situation. i can feel peace in my heart with doing something hard for the glory of God.

i love Him so much, and i know that someday i can count on God to bring justice for everything. i know that God is my defender when i feel wronged. i know that God has forgiven me of all my sins and transgressions and they are far more offensive to Him than anybody who i think i shouldn't forgive. we have every reason to forgive people because we've been forgiven INFINITELY more by God. i am so thankful that that is the heart of my God. i am so thankful that He is powerful in using other people to SPEAK to me. i am so thankful that He is refining me, even when it means tearing down my pride.

Praise You, Lord. It's in Your name i write this. may You get the Glory.

i'm going to keep this short. i have class in an hour, and i'm not quite ready yet. ohhh well.

last night was great. andrea and i went up to horsetooth and took a short hiking trail to the cliffs overlooking the reservoir. we brought our bibles and journals, and she helped me go over the chapters i'd memorized in the past which i TOTALLY did not remember very well!! i really need to be disciplined in memorizing those chapters, and not letting them slip away from me after all that hard work. so that's what i'm going to have zach keep me accountable in when we talk on the phone. going over those verses. the spot we sat at last night was amazing. i took some pictures but they're not uploaded. God gives such good gifts, His creation is amazing.

today i have a presentation. i'm not too worried about it. i have to leave class early so i can babysit lincoln and ellie. so there's that. :) then i babysit them again tonight. it's also my night to clean the kitchen floors and the bathrooms. i would do laundry but the load isn't big enough so i'm not going to. :) i really love living with the Schmidt family. they are amazing, and so fun.

last night i got the privilege of helping lyndsey paint her kitchen because her husband was out of town. so andrea, jenn and i all were painting the kitchen there. it was nice because i got to ask them all these quetions i have about why they homeschool or things that i just wonder about because i'm so stubborn and don't want to do what every other Christian is doing! haha. zach always tells me there's wisdom in certain decisions which is why it seems like "the thing to do" but it was cool to hear the reason these women decided to homeschool their kids. i think andrea and i learned a lot from them. not to mention we laughed a LOT. plus they gave me great wedding ideas. which is still a way in the future, but i should totally start taking notes or something. :)

well i know today is going to be a good day. i can tell by the sunshine peering in my window. i love the sun. i love God.

1 Corinthians 15:58

i just wanna write about God's grace, because i've experienced it more than ever today. (and last night.)

the story in short is: i was driving home last night and my tire popped. Praise God i was only a block from home so i drove it SLOWLY back to the house, and took a look at the super-de-duper flat tire of mine. i woke up this morning dreading the fact that i had to attempt to fix a flat tire on my own. anyways, i go at it this morning, and again, BY GOD'S GRACE i remembered how to change a tire from watching it be changed two times. i know that seems silly guys, but really, this is something that was big for me. so i change the tire, and am extremely hesitant to actually DRIVE on it to discount tire. i don't have a whole lot of money either, but again by the grace of God it was cheap and i got a warantee on all four tires in case that ever happens again! so out of this situation that i could've looked at as a curse, God blessed me with a lifetime warantee on all four tires! AND i almost forgot to mention that today was a day when i didn't have class! my teacher decided to give us wednesday off because we are ahead of schedule. so i had the time to go fix my tire, without having to miss class and be stressed out. i just think God is so kind to watch over his children. He's the best Dad ever.

it's been cool to see this summer unfold into another great summer. i was really worried the first couple of weeks that it was going to be a bad one in comparison to my summer in Provo. i'm learning first of all not to compare, and second of all to keep seeking God and not give up in it. i also feel blessed at the blossoming friendships this year! i love friendships that are God centered and i really feel like God has given me those friends to run hard with this summer and fall more in love with Him in.

it's starting to become more real to me that i'm moving to utah in six months. i'm halfway there. that's crazy how fast it's going. i really want to make the most of this unique time in my life where i can focus solely on God! what a beautiful life. God is good. all the time. i just want His name to be famous. i don't want to forget where i've been before i knew Him or even when i let Him slip away from me. He was always there, and i know He always will be. i want that to be the reason my heart beats, the reason i live, the reason i breathe, and the reason i love. i want more Christ in me, the hope of Glory.

this summer really is shaping up to be a good one. thanks for your Good and Simple gifts, Father God. You are so good.

1 Corinthians 15:58b (ish) "Stand Firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

AMEN.

JESUS.

this world is so corrupt and religion is so corrupt and we as humans are so corrupt. depressing start to a blog post, i'm aware of this. i'm struggling with how we skew the image of Christ because we're sinful in nature. i know it's inevitable, but i want Christ to shine through every Christian. i want us all to REALLY love God, and to have a REAL relationship with Him.

i just know God's heart breaks for sin. sin destroys. sin cannot be hidden, it will catch up with us whether in this life or after we die. He sees it all. and i know that there will be justice.

in the meantime i want to focus on myself and my life and make sure that i am REALLY loving people and that i am REALLY loving God. not in a lukewarm or "routine" way. i mean, consumed by Him. i don't want to be indifferent about Christ. and i DON'T want religion. you can take your religion somewhere else. i want a meaningful relationship with my Lord and Savior, my Best Friend, the one who will never let me down. He's the one that i can spill my guts out to and it be a safe place, He's the one that i can send my requests to and know that it was heard, He's the one who has my best interest at heart, He's the one that loves me even though i'm a wretched sinner. He's UNBELIEVABLE. if we all just sat down to think about who He REALLY is and what He REALLY is offering us (so much more than fire-insurance, you guys.) how could anyone ever reject that??

i know this world has distorted the image of Him. i know people will read this and think that's not that God or Jesus they've been exposed to. but it's TRUE. if you don't believe me, read for yourself. the Bible is beautiful and purposeful and most importantly, true. someday we're going to see. and someday we're going to be able to rest in His arms if we choose Him now, and find understanding in anything right now that we just don't understand.

i want Jesus in everything. i want to cast my cares, frustrations, and worries on Him.
i don't want to love Jesus in a routine way, in a distant way. i want to be passionate about Him who died in place for me. and i want to always be pointing to Him. NOTHING ELSE, ever. amen.