this is for girls, all girls...fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of Everything.
sometimes it's hard to feel beautiful. i mean, seriously look around and everywhere you look there is always going to be someone more "worldly" beautiful. and i am the worst of all at comparing myself. it's so easy to look confident on the outside...however that isn't necessarily how i feel. a woman feeling beautiful is hard in a world where there is such a fine and impossible standard for beauty. maybe that's not true, maybe it's only a struggle for some, or maybe only me. but i feel like Satan uses these comparison games: actresses, models, other girls...anything to get us feeling down on ourselves.
well because it's a particular struggle in this moment, i decided to read my Bible at this late (or early) hour of 1 am. this is what i found:
"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!" -song of songs 4:9-10
i literally am in tears at this, because it's God's Holy Bible, so it's true. God is so enthralled by you, my sister. He LITERALLY thinks you are a prized possession, the MOST beautiful thing! FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. i don't even get this, trust me, i feel not good enough all the time. i feel like i'm falling short in comparison to every other girl ALL the TIME. i know it's going to take a lot more than writing a blog to really pound this in my head. but tonight, in this moment, i feel humbled. i feel like God thinks i am beautiful. and that is everything. His Love is so Perfect. His Love is Sustaining. His opinion is Worthy!
every girl wants to feel like she is the most beautiful to someone, and guess what? we are. God truly is wrapped up in your beauty, He really does think you are the most beautiful. His Love is SO BIG that He can think we are all the most beautiful, and it would be true...it's infinite. You can divide it and it's still infinity love, ALL for you. He does not show favoritism. it's hard, i know, not to look at this world and think about what beautiful should look like. it's hard not to look around at other people and not feel good enough, or think "if only i looked like her, then i would be loved." but the truth is, you are loved with a Perfect Love. you can be secure because of an Unfailing Promise. you ARE Beautiful because GOD MADE YOU FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY. now we just need to let it sink in, and believe it. jealousy is ugly, and insecurity is a trap. don't forget your identity and who God says you are.
want to be truly beautiful? seek God and be changed by Him. that is real beauty, to the Only One who matters. i would rather be Beautiful in His eyes forever than to be beautiful by the standards of this world for a short while.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is FLEETING; BUT A WOMAN WHO FEARS THE LORD IS TO BE PRAISED. -Proverbs 31:30
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
things that make me excited.
-making a married blog. i know it's dorky, but it will be so fun to write all about our newlywed adventures in here, since blogging is such a neat way to express yourself. not to mention, easy.
-finding a place to live, and decorating it so it feels like home. we looked at apartments today, and we want to look at duplexes, etc. i can't wait to see where God leads us because i know it will be perfect. i am so excited to be roomies with zach, cause he's pretty neat. :)
-becoming a better cook. i made stuffed peppers last night and i just want to keep trying new things left and right!
-finding a more secure identity in God as my Father. it's so easy to want to find validity in other people's opinions of me, but i just want to grow more and more confident in who God says i am.
-growing deeper friendships with my sisters in Utah. i just want to find women i can run hard with, and be challenged by. i never want to sit still in my walk with God!
-getting a dog...sooner. my uncle and aunt have 2 golden retrievers who just had 8 puppies this week! talk about TEMPTING. zach and i are discussing, but they are my #2 favorite dog, and it would be lovely keeping them in the family. i want a little baby pup so bad. :)
-summer dresses. i want sunshine on my legs again. i love the warmth on my skin, and i just crave the nice weather.
-enjoying working out. i hear once you keep doing it for a long enough time, you start to like it. wellll, i still don't. :) but we've been consistent in going 3-4 times a week and i just want to get toned up for the wedding, jamaica, and just LIFE. its sad when your metabolism decides to stop working as well, to be honest.
-painting. i love painting outside in the summer, and i just want that to happen again.
-getting my passport. that should be coming in 4-6 weeks, and i'm excited to feel "official" haha.
-seeing my colorado friends. how lucky i get to look forward to going home to things like a bridal shower, and bachelorette party with my closest friends. i feel blessed they are so supportive of me, and making this engagement such a happy one.
-juuust life and livin' it. :)
-finding a place to live, and decorating it so it feels like home. we looked at apartments today, and we want to look at duplexes, etc. i can't wait to see where God leads us because i know it will be perfect. i am so excited to be roomies with zach, cause he's pretty neat. :)
-becoming a better cook. i made stuffed peppers last night and i just want to keep trying new things left and right!
-finding a more secure identity in God as my Father. it's so easy to want to find validity in other people's opinions of me, but i just want to grow more and more confident in who God says i am.
-growing deeper friendships with my sisters in Utah. i just want to find women i can run hard with, and be challenged by. i never want to sit still in my walk with God!
-getting a dog...sooner. my uncle and aunt have 2 golden retrievers who just had 8 puppies this week! talk about TEMPTING. zach and i are discussing, but they are my #2 favorite dog, and it would be lovely keeping them in the family. i want a little baby pup so bad. :)
-summer dresses. i want sunshine on my legs again. i love the warmth on my skin, and i just crave the nice weather.
-enjoying working out. i hear once you keep doing it for a long enough time, you start to like it. wellll, i still don't. :) but we've been consistent in going 3-4 times a week and i just want to get toned up for the wedding, jamaica, and just LIFE. its sad when your metabolism decides to stop working as well, to be honest.
-painting. i love painting outside in the summer, and i just want that to happen again.
-getting my passport. that should be coming in 4-6 weeks, and i'm excited to feel "official" haha.
-seeing my colorado friends. how lucky i get to look forward to going home to things like a bridal shower, and bachelorette party with my closest friends. i feel blessed they are so supportive of me, and making this engagement such a happy one.
-juuust life and livin' it. :)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
something bigger.
God is at work here in Utah. It's really amazing to see. Last night really encouraged my soul, because of all the amazing things I get to be a part of here at The Rock Church. I feel so humbled that God would lead me here, and I don't want to waste the opportunity I can have here. Eleven years ago The Rock Church was started by two families who moved to Utah from Colorado. They would have Sunday service in the house of the pastor, for four adults...including himself. Today there are three locations, five services, and around 1200 people attending. Praise the Lord. We also just reached a million dollars raised to purchase land and build a larger church in Sandy. This is so important in Utah because of the culture. Another amazing thing is that a really well-known architect told Bill Young (pastor) that he wants to make the church his own "project" this year! So pray like crazy for more souls to be saved through the future location of The Rock Church, Sandy.
I want to be giving it my all to be part of this big picture. I want to speak boldly, love abundantly, speak graciously, and shine brightly. This world needs JESUS and we have now to show them. I feel so encouraged after the Church Address last night and hearing what's at work and what's in store for the year. I want less of me and more of Christ in every aspect of my life. I want to run harder than ever before, and not waste a minute of it.
God is jealous for our love. I couldn't stop thinking that last night during worship. God wants to be first, He wants my devotion. I have the Love of a Savior that is solely mine and the Security of being in the hands of the Creator of the Universe. Why doesn't this motivate my EVERY thought and action? It's too easy to get caught up in the world, but I want no more of it. Lord, I want to live out your Purpose for me, because it is the only thing that will last.
I'm here for souls and I'm here for You. That's the cry of my heart. May I never give my heart to something else.
I want to be giving it my all to be part of this big picture. I want to speak boldly, love abundantly, speak graciously, and shine brightly. This world needs JESUS and we have now to show them. I feel so encouraged after the Church Address last night and hearing what's at work and what's in store for the year. I want less of me and more of Christ in every aspect of my life. I want to run harder than ever before, and not waste a minute of it.
God is jealous for our love. I couldn't stop thinking that last night during worship. God wants to be first, He wants my devotion. I have the Love of a Savior that is solely mine and the Security of being in the hands of the Creator of the Universe. Why doesn't this motivate my EVERY thought and action? It's too easy to get caught up in the world, but I want no more of it. Lord, I want to live out your Purpose for me, because it is the only thing that will last.
I'm here for souls and I'm here for You. That's the cry of my heart. May I never give my heart to something else.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
glory to God.
this year is really looking up. :)
my papa is in great condition, so thank you all for joining me with in prayer for him. today he was walking around, eating, cussing and everything. THAT is how you know my papa is fine, is if he's cussing!
this week has been sooo much better than last! so much to share, and i want God to get all the glory, i really do.
i had an interview on monday for the ronald mcdonald charity house. after the interview, i can't even explain to you the feeling i felt. it was like, i knew that was it when i walked out the doors. i called my mom, and she said it was the happiest i've sounded since i've moved here thus far! so, i just was happier after that. tuesday, i'm hanging around the house talking to my deear friend andrea on the phone, when alas, ronald mcdonald house is calling on the other line! turns out, they wanted me to work there. SO AMAZING. better yet, thursday was my first day! i got to start pretty much right after the background check came back in!
I LOVE it so far! my title is called "guest services coordinator" and i basically am in charge of handling guests money who are staying at the house, talking with the social worker to see if a family is eligible to be staying at the house, and giving tours, answering phones, making informational signs, etc. it's just fun--a lot of administrative work. it's so rewarding when i see volunteers or donations being brought in by random people! today the boys and girls club came in to volunteer their time, they were called the "flu crew" and they went around the whole house disinfecting doorknobs and stuff like that. it's important to keep the facility nice and clean, because kids staying there have such weak immune systems, that even the cold can kill them you know? man, it's hard to hear stories of what some of these kids are at the hospital for. but it's amazing being able to work at a place that really helps these people out as much as we can! basically, the charity is for families who have a kid in the hospitals nearby SLC to have a "home away from home" and we only charge $15 a night for them to stay. people/groups volunteer to do breakfast/lunch/dinners for everyone! the house i work at holds 25 families, but there are two other houses two blocks away. we bought land and are in the process of expanding the whole building to be one large facility. it's just amazing that this is all run off people and companies donations. this world has a lot of good, ya know.
OH and not to mention, i love my co-workers, and already feel like i'm getting the hang of everything! so awesome.
anyways. i've also experienced a lot of love from the people out here so far. tuesday night, zach and i were invited to josh and krista whitney's to play cards and eat dessert. that was wonderful, and i had such a good time! wednesday night i cooked a crock pot dinner (my first one ever!) and fed zachary, then we watched parenthood and the biggest loser on hulu off the tv! oh and scrib joined us. :) then thursday audree hosted dinner at her place and invited liz, cara and myself over. it was so great, we had pasta, alfredo, chicken and pesto. oh and garlic bread and wine! mmmmm. i want that all again, already. then we met pretty much my whole church family at a little coffee shop where steele was playing, followed by a more acoustic (ish) version of kingston. it was a lot of fun! tonight was bryan's surprise party so i spent the whole night LAUGHING at myself and friends in a long and awkward game of QUELF. if you haven't played it, i suggest you doooo.
also, i love my roommates. becki and amy are fantastic, and i feel so blessed.
and my routine with God has been so good. i'm already feeling so much more encouraged then i have been. i've spent my mornings in the one-year chronological bible, followed by some proverbs for the day. then as i'm getting ready for work, i've been listening to the faithwalkers messages at the same time. so great to have access to those now! i already feel so much closer to God, and i've been able to pray on my way to work and i just feel so encouraged. tomorrow is saturday so i can't wait to spend a long morning at starbucks reading His Word with zach, and praying and talking, and setting some spiritual goals for the year. i really am challenged to do that after listening to some of the FW messages. so good.
i keep thinking, God is really comforting me and making it CLEAR that i really am supposed to be here. He has blessed my move here so much more than i can say, and it's only been two weeks pretty much. i can't believe i already have a full-time job, a place to live, a church family, my fiance' and everything. God is my FATHER, and He truly does care for my needs. makes me so encouraged for the future. i just wanted to write about all the happy stuff, because it really has been good. i can tell i'm growing already and most of all, i just love feeling so thankful for my King. i always want to have gratitude in my heart.
God bless us, everyone. :)
my papa is in great condition, so thank you all for joining me with in prayer for him. today he was walking around, eating, cussing and everything. THAT is how you know my papa is fine, is if he's cussing!
this week has been sooo much better than last! so much to share, and i want God to get all the glory, i really do.
i had an interview on monday for the ronald mcdonald charity house. after the interview, i can't even explain to you the feeling i felt. it was like, i knew that was it when i walked out the doors. i called my mom, and she said it was the happiest i've sounded since i've moved here thus far! so, i just was happier after that. tuesday, i'm hanging around the house talking to my deear friend andrea on the phone, when alas, ronald mcdonald house is calling on the other line! turns out, they wanted me to work there. SO AMAZING. better yet, thursday was my first day! i got to start pretty much right after the background check came back in!
I LOVE it so far! my title is called "guest services coordinator" and i basically am in charge of handling guests money who are staying at the house, talking with the social worker to see if a family is eligible to be staying at the house, and giving tours, answering phones, making informational signs, etc. it's just fun--a lot of administrative work. it's so rewarding when i see volunteers or donations being brought in by random people! today the boys and girls club came in to volunteer their time, they were called the "flu crew" and they went around the whole house disinfecting doorknobs and stuff like that. it's important to keep the facility nice and clean, because kids staying there have such weak immune systems, that even the cold can kill them you know? man, it's hard to hear stories of what some of these kids are at the hospital for. but it's amazing being able to work at a place that really helps these people out as much as we can! basically, the charity is for families who have a kid in the hospitals nearby SLC to have a "home away from home" and we only charge $15 a night for them to stay. people/groups volunteer to do breakfast/lunch/dinners for everyone! the house i work at holds 25 families, but there are two other houses two blocks away. we bought land and are in the process of expanding the whole building to be one large facility. it's just amazing that this is all run off people and companies donations. this world has a lot of good, ya know.
OH and not to mention, i love my co-workers, and already feel like i'm getting the hang of everything! so awesome.
anyways. i've also experienced a lot of love from the people out here so far. tuesday night, zach and i were invited to josh and krista whitney's to play cards and eat dessert. that was wonderful, and i had such a good time! wednesday night i cooked a crock pot dinner (my first one ever!) and fed zachary, then we watched parenthood and the biggest loser on hulu off the tv! oh and scrib joined us. :) then thursday audree hosted dinner at her place and invited liz, cara and myself over. it was so great, we had pasta, alfredo, chicken and pesto. oh and garlic bread and wine! mmmmm. i want that all again, already. then we met pretty much my whole church family at a little coffee shop where steele was playing, followed by a more acoustic (ish) version of kingston. it was a lot of fun! tonight was bryan's surprise party so i spent the whole night LAUGHING at myself and friends in a long and awkward game of QUELF. if you haven't played it, i suggest you doooo.
also, i love my roommates. becki and amy are fantastic, and i feel so blessed.
and my routine with God has been so good. i'm already feeling so much more encouraged then i have been. i've spent my mornings in the one-year chronological bible, followed by some proverbs for the day. then as i'm getting ready for work, i've been listening to the faithwalkers messages at the same time. so great to have access to those now! i already feel so much closer to God, and i've been able to pray on my way to work and i just feel so encouraged. tomorrow is saturday so i can't wait to spend a long morning at starbucks reading His Word with zach, and praying and talking, and setting some spiritual goals for the year. i really am challenged to do that after listening to some of the FW messages. so good.
i keep thinking, God is really comforting me and making it CLEAR that i really am supposed to be here. He has blessed my move here so much more than i can say, and it's only been two weeks pretty much. i can't believe i already have a full-time job, a place to live, a church family, my fiance' and everything. God is my FATHER, and He truly does care for my needs. makes me so encouraged for the future. i just wanted to write about all the happy stuff, because it really has been good. i can tell i'm growing already and most of all, i just love feeling so thankful for my King. i always want to have gratitude in my heart.
God bless us, everyone. :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
my Papa
This is my Papa. I wanted to take some time to tell you about him, so then you can know who you're really praying for. My grandpa is going to be 80 this July (God-willing!) He was a doctor in the vietnam war, and he has some crazy stories to share. He's known for being a hard-ass and quite honestly, scary, if you don't know him. He says the things you shouldn't say and doesn't care what anybody thinks. I LOVE my Papa.
At Christmas, we know that my Papa is going to be the center of attention because of the gifts that he brings for everyone. This year he got my almost sixteen-year-old sister a Hannah Montana watch. He got my Mom, Aunt, and Grandma all kimono robes. In the past we've received roll-up pianos, metal detectors, and globe earrings that say "journey" on them. And he just gives, gives, gives...even if the gifts he gives are more entertaining than they are useful. :)
The first time Zach met my Papa, I warned him before how funny and crazy he is. So of course it was fitting when the first thing he says to Zach in his hard raspy voice is, "Zach! My dog's named Zach...of course he's dead now." Perfect. Just thinking about my Papa makes me smile, and I'm always telling my friends funny stories about him, so I am asking anybody who is reading this to PLEASE PRAY. Pray for the grandpa I love to get better.
He's in the hospital and suffered a heart attack about a week ago. His vitals are good today, but his mind is gone. He keeps thinking he's in Canada fishing, or that something is coming out of his ears. I'm worried sick, and I hate that I can't be in Colorado to be with him and with my family and to comfort my Dad as well. So I'm asking anybody who has the faith to pray for my grandpa to heal and be healthy and to have his mind be coherent. He's gotta lot of life left in him and I am not ready to say goodbye. So, please pray for him to get better. Thank you.
Ich liebe dich, Papa.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
day six.
day six.
today was another hard day. i presume it's because today is sunday, and sundays are my football/family days. sundays are days where i usually stay in my sweats all day, and eat delicious homemade soup or chili or spaghetti that my dad makes, and watch the broncos. i love those times. and today, was different. for one, utah wasn't even showing the broncos game on tv and so we had to watch it on zach's computer. secondly, we had to watch it with no sound, because austin was also watching the game in the living room of chicago vs. greenbay. soooo, not really my ideal football watching experience. i think i just needed to cry again today. it seems so petty, like i'm crying over something so silly like football, but it means so much more to me. i just kept thinking, "i want to be HOME" but i know in due time, this place will start feeling like home.
my grandpa is still in the hospital, which worries me a lot. he broke a few ribs from CPR. i found out that he was golfing and had a heart attack on the sixth hole, and had to have his heart shocked THREE times before responding. i am so thankful he did, i really am. he was recovering well, until two days ago when i found out there was excessive bleeding. it's just so up and down, it makes me so scared. my grandpa is the funniest and scariest man i've ever known. he's a rebel, and he sure loves life. i don't know if he knows Jesus. i know christian men, pastors, have gone to see him in the hospital before and that really softened his heart. i pray he knows Jesus. anyways, they did an MRI this afternoon, and tomorrow they're setting him up with a pace-maker for his heart. i hope that helps. my papa has a lot of fight to him. i just wish i could be there to go see him, and to comfort my dad too. please pray for my grandpa wes if you're reading this. i really want to see him again.
on a brighter note, i did get a job offer. it's for a hostessing position at the fiddler's elbow bar. it isn't a big step or anything and they keep assuring me that i won't get a lot of hours at all, no more than 20 a week, and it'll usually be weekends and nights. so, i have two more interviews this week and i PRAY they go well. they are more "grown up" positions, which i really am looking for. paid my first month's rent, and already see my desperation for a job. God will provide as He has...i'm just being very stretched in a lot of ways. i'm excited to see how these interviews go, and what opportunities will arise, and i really pray God will lead me to the perfect spot.
one thing out of all this is i am feeling closer to my God again. my need for Him is so much more apparent. my desire to spend time with Him is stronger. my heart is softer. so, i am thankful for that. i just want God to drive it home to me that He is enough, and that He is my home. the thought of abraham being willing to sacrifice his son for the Lord keeps going through my mind, because i can never imagine having the faith to sacrifice one of my family members. i feel like in a way i am, because i'm here, without any of them, and it kills me. so that story just keeps running through my head, and all of hebrews 11 is good for me. i memorized it once, and i bet i can't do it all the way through anymore. at least i know what i'll have zach start quizzing on me soon. :) well, i know things are going to get easier, just wanted to write a little more about this transition.
God is good, all the time.
today was another hard day. i presume it's because today is sunday, and sundays are my football/family days. sundays are days where i usually stay in my sweats all day, and eat delicious homemade soup or chili or spaghetti that my dad makes, and watch the broncos. i love those times. and today, was different. for one, utah wasn't even showing the broncos game on tv and so we had to watch it on zach's computer. secondly, we had to watch it with no sound, because austin was also watching the game in the living room of chicago vs. greenbay. soooo, not really my ideal football watching experience. i think i just needed to cry again today. it seems so petty, like i'm crying over something so silly like football, but it means so much more to me. i just kept thinking, "i want to be HOME" but i know in due time, this place will start feeling like home.
my grandpa is still in the hospital, which worries me a lot. he broke a few ribs from CPR. i found out that he was golfing and had a heart attack on the sixth hole, and had to have his heart shocked THREE times before responding. i am so thankful he did, i really am. he was recovering well, until two days ago when i found out there was excessive bleeding. it's just so up and down, it makes me so scared. my grandpa is the funniest and scariest man i've ever known. he's a rebel, and he sure loves life. i don't know if he knows Jesus. i know christian men, pastors, have gone to see him in the hospital before and that really softened his heart. i pray he knows Jesus. anyways, they did an MRI this afternoon, and tomorrow they're setting him up with a pace-maker for his heart. i hope that helps. my papa has a lot of fight to him. i just wish i could be there to go see him, and to comfort my dad too. please pray for my grandpa wes if you're reading this. i really want to see him again.
on a brighter note, i did get a job offer. it's for a hostessing position at the fiddler's elbow bar. it isn't a big step or anything and they keep assuring me that i won't get a lot of hours at all, no more than 20 a week, and it'll usually be weekends and nights. so, i have two more interviews this week and i PRAY they go well. they are more "grown up" positions, which i really am looking for. paid my first month's rent, and already see my desperation for a job. God will provide as He has...i'm just being very stretched in a lot of ways. i'm excited to see how these interviews go, and what opportunities will arise, and i really pray God will lead me to the perfect spot.
one thing out of all this is i am feeling closer to my God again. my need for Him is so much more apparent. my desire to spend time with Him is stronger. my heart is softer. so, i am thankful for that. i just want God to drive it home to me that He is enough, and that He is my home. the thought of abraham being willing to sacrifice his son for the Lord keeps going through my mind, because i can never imagine having the faith to sacrifice one of my family members. i feel like in a way i am, because i'm here, without any of them, and it kills me. so that story just keeps running through my head, and all of hebrews 11 is good for me. i memorized it once, and i bet i can't do it all the way through anymore. at least i know what i'll have zach start quizzing on me soon. :) well, i know things are going to get easier, just wanted to write a little more about this transition.
God is good, all the time.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
the big move.
well, lets be honest, i didn't know how hard this was really going to be until i got here. aaand, i'm only on day three.
i've cried the past two days. it's like, once my dad left i felt SO LONELY. i'm a major daddy's girl, and my dad and i are really close, so that seemed to hit me the hardest. not to mention, i'm in a house by myself for this first week of utah. that's been another trial. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and far away from my family...it really does break my heart. i know things will get easier and that this is a time of a big transition, but i just didn't realize the impact until...well, now.
i've had quiet times in the morning, and listened to sermons by mark darling while i've been letting my hair air-dry (yes, i forgot my hair-dryer...blah) and that has been nice, but by the time noon rolls around, i am so "blah" that i don't even know what to do with myself. the weather is snowy and cold here, and i haven't mustered up the courage to roam about town to finish applying for jobs until zach gets off work. poor guy must think i'm the most depressed person ever.
the truth is, everything is hard. one of my best friends just recently lost her dad, which makes me think so much about how stupid i am to leave my family. i just got a call that my grandpa had a heart attack and is in the ICU at the hospital. i have no job, but i got hired for an UNPAID internship. i'm cut-off from the parents. it seems like nobody in utah is really in town, even. and i take all this sadness out on zach. it's such a weird thing. i hope that in a few months i can look back on this post and be SO MUCH happier. i'm just so uncomfortable right now. i'm sure it's a good place to be, and that God is going to really grow me leaps and bounds. i just need to feel Him WAY more than i do right now. i need Him to give me strength, i need Him to give me hope in this life, this future. i need to remember that this is not my Home, Colorado, Utah...neither.
Heaven is my Home. God is my Dad.
i need to remember this constantly, and i need this to change my attitude. if i don't shape up, i'm going to miss a really great opportunity for God to work in my life. i want to trust Him for a job, i want to trust Him for my security, i want to trust Him with my relationships, i want to trust Him to watch over my family, i want to trust Him to lead me. i know He is here with me, i just need this to impact my heart more. one day at a time, and it'll get easier and easier. just please pray. this was so much harder than i thought it would be, and i feel so foolish for being so discontent in colorado. i just keep thinking about my family and wonderful friends who i already miss so much. i never want to lose those relationships, or even have them change. that's what is so scary.
but i just need to really let God be my everything, and its clear to me that He's not right now.
godliness with contentment is great gain.
i've cried the past two days. it's like, once my dad left i felt SO LONELY. i'm a major daddy's girl, and my dad and i are really close, so that seemed to hit me the hardest. not to mention, i'm in a house by myself for this first week of utah. that's been another trial. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and far away from my family...it really does break my heart. i know things will get easier and that this is a time of a big transition, but i just didn't realize the impact until...well, now.
i've had quiet times in the morning, and listened to sermons by mark darling while i've been letting my hair air-dry (yes, i forgot my hair-dryer...blah) and that has been nice, but by the time noon rolls around, i am so "blah" that i don't even know what to do with myself. the weather is snowy and cold here, and i haven't mustered up the courage to roam about town to finish applying for jobs until zach gets off work. poor guy must think i'm the most depressed person ever.
the truth is, everything is hard. one of my best friends just recently lost her dad, which makes me think so much about how stupid i am to leave my family. i just got a call that my grandpa had a heart attack and is in the ICU at the hospital. i have no job, but i got hired for an UNPAID internship. i'm cut-off from the parents. it seems like nobody in utah is really in town, even. and i take all this sadness out on zach. it's such a weird thing. i hope that in a few months i can look back on this post and be SO MUCH happier. i'm just so uncomfortable right now. i'm sure it's a good place to be, and that God is going to really grow me leaps and bounds. i just need to feel Him WAY more than i do right now. i need Him to give me strength, i need Him to give me hope in this life, this future. i need to remember that this is not my Home, Colorado, Utah...neither.
Heaven is my Home. God is my Dad.
i need to remember this constantly, and i need this to change my attitude. if i don't shape up, i'm going to miss a really great opportunity for God to work in my life. i want to trust Him for a job, i want to trust Him for my security, i want to trust Him with my relationships, i want to trust Him to watch over my family, i want to trust Him to lead me. i know He is here with me, i just need this to impact my heart more. one day at a time, and it'll get easier and easier. just please pray. this was so much harder than i thought it would be, and i feel so foolish for being so discontent in colorado. i just keep thinking about my family and wonderful friends who i already miss so much. i never want to lose those relationships, or even have them change. that's what is so scary.
but i just need to really let God be my everything, and its clear to me that He's not right now.
godliness with contentment is great gain.
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