one week.

So I decided to write about the moving and graduating process, because it helps me really savor it, you know?

Today is my last real day of college ever, in my life. And of course, I miss my first two classes. (Hey, it's senioritis at its worst!) Instead, I spent the morning starting a wedding website (stay tuned) and packing up my room. I took the two decorations I had up down, and cleaned out my "everything" drawer so it's in a box ready to be moved into my car. I'm going to make a trip home on Tuesday to bring a load down after my internship. Luckily I'm going to a Nuggets game after that with Maddie and Vic, so that makes me suuuper happy. Then I'll head back up here on Wednesday to have a girl-date with Jenn and my last final on Thursday. Crazy. Less than a week, and I will be a College Graduate. Time FLEW!!! I remember my first Friday at school, we watched High School Musical 2 in Allison's dorm room. haha. Started it off right for sure. It went by so fast, but I changed so much. Crazy. I feel flustered because my room seems so messy and I don't know what to do with everything. I'm the type of girl that gets stressed out if any of my space is messy. I blame it on my mother.

Today I have to turn in my locker and shirt for Pilates. Then we're having a party in my Sign Language class. That is how I get to spend my last day of college...worked out well I'd say. :)

I'm getting excited again to move to Utah. I'm happy I get to live with Becki Porter, she's pretty hilarious. I'm excited I get to borrow a bed, until I get married and move in with Zach. I just have to get a dresser and stuff. Who even knows. I have never felt so...helpless? I don't know the word I'm looking for. I guess like I have nothing, and know nothing. This is going to be a crazy adventure. I really hope it suits me well. I go back and forth with it all the time! I'm excited because I know it's going to change me in a way God intends. I am so naive, and I really don't feel like a grown up. This is going to help me take charge more, and pay my own bills, and learn about budgeting and all the boring stuff.

I'm really excited to be best friends with God in the process too. I already know this is going to happen, because anytime I'm in an unfamiliar situation, God is my closest friend. I hate that when I'm comfortable, Him and I aren't as great. I've struggled in loving Him most this past year, and I'm excited to really cling to Him and see Him come through. I can't believe He still loves me, after so many times I don't choose Him.

I keep thinking about my family, and how much I will miss them. My sister is going to Korea for a year to teach English, and won't even get to be there for my wedding. I am so proud of her though. I feel bad for my little sister, that her two sisters are leaving at once. She takes that stuff hard. I'm sad for my mom and dad who have to face all this too. I am sure it's hard not to take personally, but they have been so supportive!

Wow, this is the most up and down entry ever. Time to keep packing and getting ready for school. :)

wake up call.

well, the fact that life really is about to drastically change for me is starting to become real. i can almost touch it, it's within my reach...

and i feel helpless. i feel excited. i feel scared. i feel ready. i feel nervous.

i've wanted this for i can't tell you how long, to move to salt lake city, and be a part of the rock church, and to be graduated from college, and now, to be close to zach. and now, it's so close i can count the days. i can count the weeks on one hand. it's close.

i feel emotional about it, when for so long i've been checked out. i've been so apathetic. i apologize to my friends, to my family.

want the truth? the truth is, i'm REALLY going to miss you all. the truth is God has BLESSED me with the most amazing people who love me and care about me, and who have changed my life. the truth is, once i move i won't see my family any weekend i want to go home and see them. the truth is, sunday football won't include sitting by a nice warm fireplace and eating dad's green chili in my family's company. the truth is i won't see the same smiling faces every wednesday night at small group. i won't walk upstairs to see two adorable children, excited about one thing or another, and an amazing Godly woman there to brighten my day. i won't get to join my best friend at new belgium at four pm on a friday for free beer samples. i won't get to see my best friends anytime i want. things will be different, and i finally feel that pain...because the change is so close that i can't take these things for granted. there's not a lot of time left here with these people.

i just don't want to lose you all. i don't want to be distant. i don't want to miss out.

i know that what God has for me in the future is GOOD. i am so excited to join my brothers and sisters in Salt Lake who love Jesus, and music, and Starbucks (ha ha). i know that God is going to use this transition to grow me in ways that i couldn't have here in colorado. God is going to stretch me out of my comfort zone, and it will be good. it will be scary, but so good.

i just wanted to be honest, and share my heart. life is crazy and scary and i couldn't ever do it without my Jesus. He's the only only only only ONLY one who is the Same. HE is my Safe Place, He is my Home.

don't get me wrong, i still want to move to utah and be with zach so so badly, and i am thrilled to be there...but to every beginning, there is an ending. and all i've ever known is colorado. but this will be good, because my real Home is still waiting for me, and that is never going to change. and God lives in me and goes with me, which is the greatest thing of all. i have comfort and joy knowing that God directs my steps, and He has planned this for me before He gave me breath. it makes me smile in knowing that. i only ever want to be in the center of Your Will, Father. thank you for blessings, both in colorado and in utah. and thank you that both places get to be my home on earth now. :)

life is an adventure, and i'm glad God is my Captain.
Jeremiah 29:11

what grace means to me.

do you ever feel like you wish you could take something back? i know i do. i have many times, but i feel desperate right now.

i have sinned against the Lord my God. (i mean, i do it every day, plenty of times a day.) i hate that i broke His heart. i hate that i live in this earthly body that can't help but sin, when my heart doesn't want to. anyways, that's not even the point.

the point is what Jesus has done in spite of this. He's cancelled it. He's taken every little dark sin in my life and erased it. He cancelled my debt, and i had a lot.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13

i really am at a loss of what to say. i believe it's true. i believe i'm clean in Jesus. but i can't help but still hurt. God does the healing, he's in the business of healing hearts because He's the ONLY SOURCE OF HOPE. i'm learning that so much more than i ever have before, and for that, i am thankful.

tonight i am just so humbled, and thankful for the grace my God endlessly grants to me. He chose to find a solution to this disease called sin. and i know my life will be filled with continuous mess ups, but i can rest in my salvation, and my future in Heaven with God. i long to be Home with Him.

Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." -Acts 4:12

i just want God to have all the glory in every aspect of my life. and so i say, my life is no where near perfect, i don't have it all together and i don't know any Christian who does. but i know that the secret is Jesus, and if you don't know Him i assure you to get to know Him. i am so thankful for His sacrifice, and i know i am so undeserving of it but He gave it to me anyways, with a glad heart.

The heart of God is beautiful.

miscellaneous, really.

sometimes i don't even know what i'll end up talking about, but i feel like writing tonight.
i'm waiting to talk to zachary, and i'm delaying in reading my book for class. i should get on that. after this. :)

today was good. church was AMAZING. i want to tell you about it. john meyer talked about real faith. listen to it online. www.summitview.com. anyway, afterwards before communion he was explaining it in a whole new light. as he had the cup and bread in his hands, he was saying how Jesus promises never to eat or drink it again until we're with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. it's just so REAL to me, and i know i won't be able to explain it as well as john but i'll try. he related it to how it's our "thing" that we have. like, in a relationship when two people have a "thing" together that they always do. that's what Jesus is doing here for us, so we remember Him. this is a little of my personal life but i don't think zach will mind. :) i'm obviously in a long distance relationship with the man i love. it gets tough sometimes because we don't get to hang out often, but the other night i was saying how i wish we could go on a date, so he said, "okay lets go on one right now!" and being his cute self, described this cute little date we went on, and i couldn't stop smiling! so that was a little "thing" for us. and i'll always remember it and cherish it. anyway, that's what Jesus is doing here too! He's my FIRST LOVE. He wants to have that kind of a relationship too. and He promises to wait for us til we're in Heaven with Him when we take that victory drink resembling His blood shed on the cross. wow, i did a bad job explaining that, but i was crying it was so good. Jesus is just SO PERSONAL! He knows what we need to hear to drive it home to us how much He loves us! Mmmm, Heaven will be SO GOOD. everything else is gonna fade away.

also today i cooked a new dish: baked pesto chicken. it was GREAT! you cover the chicken in pesto and then we added garlic salt, and pepper to it as well, put it in the over for 25 minutes, then take it out and add tomato slices on top with shredded mozzerella cheese. put it back in for five more minutes and wa-la! GOOD FOOD. served with angel hair pasta and french bread. it's definitely a keeper. i love to cook, i really do. i feel blessed living with the family i do cause i get good opportunities to cook some good food for the future. :) hah.

i really should go read. one more week of summer school, PTL! then zach comes friday through monday, and i go there monday through sunday! YAYYYY we will have so much fun! okaybye!

night run.

mmmmm.

i just got back from a run in the perfect temperature when dusk meets summer. i don't even like running, but i really see the rewards when i'm finished. i feel fresh, (even though i'm sweating like a pig and my cheeks are flushed with red) i feel new. i kept thinking and praying as i was running, "God, help me go further."

and man it couldn't be more true in my walk with God as well. i want to go further. i want to run harder. i want to beat my body so i'm disciplined to always follow Christ. i want to respect my God and fear my God, and out of that fear seek His face continually.

i read today in Isaiah 6:5- "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

what amazing fear. i just don't understand (ever, really) my place before God. i can't comprehend His Holiness, His Power, His Goodness. i don't understand how wretched i am. i know that's horrible, but it's the truth. i know i'm a sinner but i can not grasp the depth of my darkness, my despair. God has saved me from myself. He has completely turned my life around. He has disciplined me to run hard after Him. tonight was a lesson as i was gasping for more air, mentally telling myself to not stop running, to make it to the next mark. i want my Spiritual life to be this way. and when i gasp, i want to be gasping for Christ, who is my source of Life. and when i'm mentally telling myself to keep running, i want to keep reading God's word, keep praying to the One who continually delivers me. and i want Him to be my motivation to make it to the next mark, no matter how tired i am, or how hard life may seem.

God gives us really cool metaphors to understand Him, we just need to open our eyes more. i love my God, He's my PORTION.

ps. i love you.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

bad week, so it seems. i can't snap out of my funk. i know i am spreading it to you too, as hard as you're trying to get us out of it. what's my problem? i don't even know. i feel like i have just become accustomed to discontentment. dissatisfaction. disappointment. distance.

i know it's only a week, but a bad week can feel like eternity. maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but i don't want to downplay my feelings. frustration, loneliness, numbness even. is this another lesson to be learned from God? that i can only lean on Him, only count on Him for peace? it's funny how often i have to learn things from God. how often He has to take away things i may put above Him, without my own realization.

i feel like i'm living my life without you, even though i know it's not true. small talk won't do it for me. as much as i tell myself it'll be better this time, i can't seem to snap out of this...weirdness. i'm not worried, though. i know your heart and i know mine. i know that next week we'll be laughing at this off-week. or at least we'll be praying our way out of it.

i feel like i'm being dramatic, but at the same time i feel like i'm being completely real and that scares me. my life isn't perfect, my relationships aren't perfect, i'm weak. why is it that we fear exposing our weaknesses to others when that is where our source of strength comes from? God can be glorified, i keep saying as i write this.

so, here's the truth. i feel like i am missing out on so much. i feel so ready to start my life with you, and yet we're living separately...just passing time. i don't want this mentality. i want to live fully, purposefully, excitably. and i do when we're together. but i just feel like tonight, as i'm sitting in this abandoned coffee shop, that i am missing out on all the things you're enjoying. and as happy as i am for you, i'm sad too. i'm sad i'm not there.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

thanks, paul.

godliness. contentment. great gain.

sounds good to me, but how? my God is my peace, but i still struggle. i'm still learning. and by all means, give me your wisdom on how to do this. how to live peaceably in my heart. how to live contently no matter where i may be, or who i may be with.

here's one thing that keeps me going. God is always with me. He is always listening to me. He's real. He's my Best Friend, my Father, my Love. i need to keep pressing with Him, and keep trusting His timing.

wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. -psalm 24:17

and the real truth is, the end of the year isn't that far away. and this funk we're in is going to pass. and we'll find a new mountain to conquer. and we're learning, and it's not easy but we're learning. God is refining us, and making us desperate for Him.
and for that, it's worth it.

ps. i love you.

i saw God today.

i wanted to share with you how amazing and real and evident God is.

i certainly saw Him today.

obviously i can't give too many details out of the respect of other people, but for about a month now i have been struggling with an unreconciled conflict between a person. i went to bed last night and woke up this morning with it on my heart. i have been angry that i can't seem to let it go, not be bitter, forgive, apologize, etc. I went on a prayer walk and had two close friends pray for me about the situation, and I asked for conviction because I didn't feel convicted.

later that night was infusion. it started with worship.

"not to us, but to Your Name be the Glory." i've sung it before, plenty of times. but i got the thought in my head that God asks us to persevere in relationships not for us, but for HIM and because when we're united we bring God GLORY. I want nothing more than to glorify God.

which is what i just got back from. the topic was perseverance, but rory whitney somehow related it to UNITY. he broke it down into three parts, we must be united in our thoughts, speech, and vision. i can tell you that my heart had some ugly thoughts, and my speech some ugly words. rory kept saying, "i know this isn't really my topic, but i felt God led me to speak about this." i don't know, after all that was said tonight i just couldn't stand there and not do something. God answered my prayer of conviction. and i acted on it. i don't know what will come of it, but i know that RIGHT NOW, i can stand blameless before God with this situation. i can feel peace in my heart with doing something hard for the glory of God.

i love Him so much, and i know that someday i can count on God to bring justice for everything. i know that God is my defender when i feel wronged. i know that God has forgiven me of all my sins and transgressions and they are far more offensive to Him than anybody who i think i shouldn't forgive. we have every reason to forgive people because we've been forgiven INFINITELY more by God. i am so thankful that that is the heart of my God. i am so thankful that He is powerful in using other people to SPEAK to me. i am so thankful that He is refining me, even when it means tearing down my pride.

Praise You, Lord. It's in Your name i write this. may You get the Glory.