JESUS.

this world is so corrupt and religion is so corrupt and we as humans are so corrupt. depressing start to a blog post, i'm aware of this. i'm struggling with how we skew the image of Christ because we're sinful in nature. i know it's inevitable, but i want Christ to shine through every Christian. i want us all to REALLY love God, and to have a REAL relationship with Him.

i just know God's heart breaks for sin. sin destroys. sin cannot be hidden, it will catch up with us whether in this life or after we die. He sees it all. and i know that there will be justice.

in the meantime i want to focus on myself and my life and make sure that i am REALLY loving people and that i am REALLY loving God. not in a lukewarm or "routine" way. i mean, consumed by Him. i don't want to be indifferent about Christ. and i DON'T want religion. you can take your religion somewhere else. i want a meaningful relationship with my Lord and Savior, my Best Friend, the one who will never let me down. He's the one that i can spill my guts out to and it be a safe place, He's the one that i can send my requests to and know that it was heard, He's the one who has my best interest at heart, He's the one that loves me even though i'm a wretched sinner. He's UNBELIEVABLE. if we all just sat down to think about who He REALLY is and what He REALLY is offering us (so much more than fire-insurance, you guys.) how could anyone ever reject that??

i know this world has distorted the image of Him. i know people will read this and think that's not that God or Jesus they've been exposed to. but it's TRUE. if you don't believe me, read for yourself. the Bible is beautiful and purposeful and most importantly, true. someday we're going to see. and someday we're going to be able to rest in His arms if we choose Him now, and find understanding in anything right now that we just don't understand.

i want Jesus in everything. i want to cast my cares, frustrations, and worries on Him.
i don't want to love Jesus in a routine way, in a distant way. i want to be passionate about Him who died in place for me. and i want to always be pointing to Him. NOTHING ELSE, ever. amen.

come on rain!

i'm hoping for a thunderstorm...it's a nice summer day but the clouds are rolling in and you know what that means. :)

thunder makes me happy, because i think of how POWERFUL God is. that's really all there is to it. i am enthralled in them. i can't look away. God is so mysterious and powerful. how amazing that He saved a wretch like me.

on a different note, i'm babysitting the kids as they nap. all this requires of me is to be here. :) i cook dinner tonight for the family. gotta practice the whole mother thing. i feel blessed for this opportunity to live with the Schmidt fam. great people!

aaaand zach and i made plans for his next trip out here which is in less than two weeks! i love how often we've seen each other! it's wonderful to me, that's the truth. so hopefully him, scrib, and hayd are coming out next weekend (the 18th!) i would love that with all my heart. i can't believe we're halfway through the year and i will be in utah in six to seven months. what a happy life.

i hear a waking child. goodbye!

LOVE.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, WHO LOVED ME and gave himself for me. -Galatians 2:20

But God demonstrates HIS OWN LOVE for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. -Romans 5:8

This is love: not that we loved God, but that HE LOVED US and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. -1 John 4:10

And so we know and rely on the LOVE GOD HAS FOR US. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. -1 John 4:16

For God SO LOVED the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16


Notice a theme? I hope so.

I was sitting outside reading Chapter 3 of "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper, basking in the beautiful rays of the sun...hoping to hear from my Love. See, lately I have been struggling with feeling His presence, and it has been my prayer request to feel Him as I have before. Anyways, as I'm nearing to the end of the chapter I come across the top verse listed, Galatians 2:20, I stopped and let this word "love" sink in.

Yes, the four-letter-word that supposedly holds so much meaning, right? I have struggled with this word as of late, because I feel like we toss it around without counting the heaviness it truly holds. LOVE. Why does God's love for me not HIT me like it should? I want it to rock my world, give me comfort, amazement, butterflies, contentment.

I'm in love with my boyfriend. I feel loved by him. I feel pursued by him. This love is real to me, it comforts me. I delight in it. There is a connection there. But it can't save me, nor will it.

HOW MUCH MORE SHOULD I FEEL LOVED AND PURSUED BY THE ONE WHO CREATED ME, DIED FOR ME, AND LEADS ME TO GOOD THINGS IN THIS LIFE? Oh, the love of God.

You know, I still don't understand this love, but the Bible talks about it all the time. I want to seek to know this love more and more. I want to believe it. I want to reciprocate it. (Though I will never be able to in comparison to my God.) He loved me when I didn't even want anything to do with Him. He loves me still when I fall short of His perfect standard. He loves me though I am just one of six billion. He delights in me, He provides for me, He rejoices over me, He saved me. And I get an eternity to bask in His love, something that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived.

Let this love penetrate your soul.

start of summer.

sometimes i start writing in this thing, not even sure what i will say. but it'll be interesting to see where this takes me.

it's officially summer, and what am i doing? going to school.
i have a feeling God is going to be challenging me this summer just without the break that i'm used to, and the fun that i want to have. don't get me wrong, it'll still be fun. it'll just be a lot of work too.

on a happy note, i'm moved in with the wonderful and amazing Schmidt family! it's so nice to be around young kids again, and i love seeing the way this family functions and how they parent, and love the Lord and honor Him through their lives. i've only been here a few days, but i do enjoy it so far! i have this cute little bedroom and bathroom in the basement and i get to cook on sunday nights and babysit on thursday nights! not a bad deal at ALL.

okay, so last weekend i went to utah. BEST TIME EVER. seriously, i love that place!! i want to be there so bad, my heart is checked out and i know that's bad! it's just so hard because every time i go there i just feel like everything is how it's intended to be! i love my boyfriend, i love my friends there, i love the church there, i love the breathtaking mountains. utah is gonna be my home, and i'm really looking forward to that. i will need God's grace to get through the waiting process! i brought kirsten and andrea who both absolutely loved it there too, which is happy. i always try to recruit people to move there. it's funny to me. haha.

tonight we have a prayer night with infusion, i'm tired but decided to go. life is keeping me busy, but God has been really good and i've felt Him close lately. there is just something about reading your Bible outside. i want Him closer though. i feel so hungry for Him lately. i'm glad about that.

blue skies are coming.

man, i sure am close to finishing finals and moving out and then my roadtrip to utah! I AM SO EXCITED.
i have been so stressed out with school and moving, while keeping some stuff out that i'll be taking on my roadtrip. it may be bad timing, but it's really the ONLY time i can get out there since i start summer school next week.

i feel super blessed to be living with the schmidt family. they are so great, and i think i'll learn a lot! it's a blessing to be living for free too, and save up some money for my future in utah and all that God has for me.

i have been going through a trial of trusting God with financial things that i've really noticed lately. i always thought i was the girl that didn't care about money at all, the girl that didn't want a lot of it. however, with zach going back to school and unemployed recently, i've been so nervous about what is going to happen or how we're going to start out. but it's been cool to see his faith and trust in God and his comfort in the unknown, which is something i am SO BAD AT. i feel blessed that God made us different and in that sense we'll help each other through our differences and similarities. i also think it's cool that God is refining me NOW rather than later. i know in my head there is nothing to worry about, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. i want heart-knowledge. i know it'll all work out, and i'm excited to see what God has for zach and i in the future. i'm confident He'll lead us, i just need to not be anxious.

i've found a new obsession with mumford & sons. what a GOOD band!!! listen to them if you haven't yet. so good.

life is good, i want to count my blessings more. tonight we're going to new belgium and then hu-hot to celebrate janet, and her servants heart of leading the team for so long. i'm nervous that i am the only girl leader right now but i feel blessed to have andrea as an apprentice and such awesome men leading the team. God's grace is sufficient, and our team is undergoing a lot of changes but i trust God and just want people to fall in love with Him more through team. i'm also going to sundance tonight. it's a country line-dancing place where allison, jenni and i used to go ALL the time. so al and i are going to go with two of our friends, kira and jene. we haven't been this whole school year so decided to go on the last week of school (ever for allison! crrrazy!) so that will be fun.

well, i better go start the moving process. goodbye for now!

thirst.

Jesus replied, "People soon become thirsty again after drinking this water. But the water I give them takes away thirst altogether. It becomes a perpetual spring within them, giving them eternal life."
"Please sir," the woman said, "give me some of that water! Then I'll never be thirsty again, and I won't have to come here to haul water." John 4:13-15

I read this today and it really stuck with me. We look to this world to fill our void, but no matter what we get out of this world, we are constantly wanting and looking for more. I say this a lot, but nothing of this world satisfies: no materials, no relationships, no success, no money. This woman gets it. She didn't need any convincing. Jesus is telling us what the answer is, and she is asking for it without holding back. I want this heart, I want this longing. I don't want to thirst for things of this world, but for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ only. And what a blessing that He doesn't hold back anything from us.

Drink it in. :)

great weekend.

man, what a great weekend!

i was blessed to see zach, and be refreshed by good talks and happy times. he's fun. :) hayden and rob came out too. on friday we went to church and then to the rio for margaritas, then ended up at the luscious nectar (weird name, i know.) since the rio closed at 11! it was lame because the jazz beat the nuggets and i don't even really want to talk about it. so we won't. :)

saturday morning we had breakfast at my house with my parents and grandparents who were in town seeing my little sister's play. that was entertaining in itself because my grandpa is the weirdest most hilarious guy ever. plus hayden is really funny too. haha. then we got ready for our day, lounged around the house a bit, but headed to starbucks to see maddie working, and then to chipotle so rob could try his half chicken half steak burrito masterpiece. the two boys went to denver, and zach and i got to go back home and hang out together until becky's play that night. it was really fun. when we got back from the play we hung out with my parents a bit too, which was fun and relaxing.

sunday we headed back up to fort collins early (except we were running late!) to make it for church. after church we got lunch with friends at big city burrito. (hayden and rob's first time!) then we went to phil's to watch the jazz/lakers game (UGH!) and play settlers, and grill some italian sausages. phil was a great host to the guys, it was nice. then they left around 7 and i basically went home, played around on garage band a bit (hayden inspired me) but then crashed, due to the lack of sleep this weekend.

it is sad whenever zach leaves, because i just don't like for that to happen. however, this time was a bit easier only since i know i am roadtripping out to utah with two of my favorite girls in 11 days now!!! THAT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN! i'm going to a wedding with zach friday night so the girls will be hanging out with heather in provo which is going to be so fun for them. then on saturday i want to show them salt lake city and take them to church out there, and we'll head home early sunday since i start summer school the next day. it'll be a short trip but it will be fun. i have to count everything God is giving me as a blessing, and not a curse. i am thankful that zach and i have gotten through a semester and it was bearable and it went by sort of fast so after summer, just one more semester of this nonsense and then i'll be in utah with him. that excites me!

okay. homework calls my name.