ducks.

tonight zach and i took a stroll around sugar house park, praying. the weather was gorgeous and the sunshine, endearing. we walked along this stream with a little waterfall which flows into a lake. everything was beautiful and i dare say i found my new prayer walk oasis. however, the thing that left the biggest impression on me from the whole park was the ducks in the lake. wait, that isn't the whole picture. what was so fascinating to me was how the ducks were surrounded by the middle-aged couple who were standing there feeding them pieces of bread. the ducks just crowd this little area of the lake where the food is coming. they know it's coming, they're waiting for it. the ducks are hungry and they look forward to being fed, it's something they ENJOY.

God planted this little thought in my mind, as my fiance was praying: this should be how i crave God's word.

we've heard it before. the metaphors of how the Bible is our spiritual nourishment, our "food" for the soul. this has never really clicked with me because truthfully, it's tough getting up early to read my bible. i have to hop in the shower before doing so, because without it i would fall back asleep. i'm sorry but the way i crave a chipotle burrito is not the way i crave a Quiet Morning with Truth. isn't that sad? why is this so?? i wanted to explore further what God has to say about it...so, lets dig in. :)

john 6:35 "then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. whoever comes to Me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in Me will never be thirsty."

this was true for the ducks. they knew that to be fed, they would have to go to the source...the people feeding them. it's so simple. our souls need feeding, and God's Word is our source. God's Word fills us up.

you know, you can eat and be filled...but go hungry later. the point is, with God's Word being our "food"...we still need it. it's a DAILY necessity. you may have read the Bible your whole life, and i guarantee you still need it. God still has something for you. you may have never opened up a bible, and i guarantee you will still get something out of it. God has something for you, too. i don't want to live my life starving my soul. i don't want to be malnourished inside. i want to be energized and ready for the day by feeding my soul. this is what will sustain us.

matthew 5:6 says, "blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

so go and be filled with the one thing True in all of our lives. His Holy Word: so beautiful, so lasting, so precious. amen.

(picture from jibfigs.com)

time.

okay so here it is. sometimes i get this overwhelmed feeling when i sit there and think about all the things that need to get done. the responsibilities that come with being a grown up. car insurance, health insurance, savings accounts, rent, and all the little things that break and you need to fix in between. it's overwhelming to me, it really is. so on thursday night i have this feeling, and i miss my family, and oddly...i miss my childhood.

it scared me for those couple hours i was dwelling on it, thinking about how fast time is going. it felt depressing to me that growing up IS inevitable and you can't stop it no matter what. i was thinking about little babies and how fast they grow and soon they're toddlers to children to adolescents to teenagers to adults. our life is completely determined by time. it seems like we don't have enough time. it really is amazing to me that we can't beat it, we can't fight it, we can't overcome it. time changes us, and we can never go back to a previous time in our life...and if we could, it probably wouldn't be the same.

two things i have learned about that fact:

one, cherish every special moment you have...because time is ticking and that moment will soon be over. if you are single, enjoy that singlehood and time you spend with your best friends; if you are in a relationship, enjoy sharing that deep connection with a person; if you are young, enjoy the beauty and adventure in life; if you are old, enjoy the experience you've built and the wisdom you've gained. appreciate where you are, what you have, and don't let any of it pass you by without some gratitude in your heart. the reason i say this, is because i miss many different stages in my life. i miss high school and hanging out with the most amazing friends every single day, i miss my childhood and special memories with my beautiful family, i miss college and what God taught me through the whole journey...and now here i am, engaged and wishing that time would speed up to the wedding. well, i'm sure someday i am going to miss this special moment in my life too. so i'm going to cherish it. and quit letting the moment pass me by all too soon.

the second, and more important thing i have learned is this, pay close attention. i know that time may be winning in this life, but will never be an issue in the life to come. eternity. timeless, never ending, forever, infinity. this is what's to come. and on top of that, if you know Jesus, you get ALL the time in the world (and beyond) to brisk in perfection, happiness, joy, NO TEARS. i know that life is hard, and sometimes we WANT to speed up time...but in Heaven, there is no pain. there is only God and His Children and we'll never have to miss or long for anything ever again.

this gives me hope amidst my random freak-outs about growing up. each day is a day i'm closer to spending with my Lord in Heaven, and i know that i'm always a child to Him. so time may not seem like our friend in this life, but we get an abundant supply of it in the next. may that drive you to know Jesus more, and long for your true Home. choose Jesus, choose Heaven, choose Forever.

God's grace is all over it.

i have to say, God's grace is all over my move to utah.

i am starting to feel....drum roll, please...

HOME.

now don't get me wrong, i will always be a colorado girl at heart, and i have mannnny people there who are NEAR and DEAR to my heart who are still there. but the first two months of living in utah have been a slow and steady pace of getting better and better. i'm running at a good rate at feeling more comfortable around these people, around this place. i'm beginning to feel like the salt lake city rock is my family, that i'm a part of it all. and i know that will change even more tonight, when i begin serving in the children's church with my darling fiance. i know i'm putting on my big girl pants when i refuse to follow zach around after the service is over, waiting for someone to talk to me. i know that all these things that felt awkward and were hard to do at first, really paid off. and i know that God's grace is all over it.

i feel established. which is pretty funny, because i will be making a move to a place with my soon-to-be-husband in just a few short months. however, i feel comfortable at home, growing in love for my roommates and for Jesus. i feel comfortable at work, like a part of the staff, understanding the way things work around the office. i feel okay when i'm driving and i don't take out the GPS because i am getting the system of how the streets work and which direction is south. i know God's grace is all over it.

the best thing, however, is the relationships that are beginning to form. God made it clear i was going to live here, he directly answered my prayer there. but i never knew that maybe, just maybe, i NEED these Christians in my life. i need to connect with people that are similar to me and share the love of Jesus with. God has been incredible in bringing amazing women into my life to laugh with, to talk with, to learn from, and to grow with. this is my FAMILY and it looks like i'm going to be here a while, so i can't wait to see what God does with these and how they change my life. God's grace is all over it.

and i have to say, i am loving to see zach and i grow as a couple. i love seeing his face every day, and doing the day-to-day tasks that we might as well get used to doing together. i love taking lunch breaks at work and getting to hang out with him for those thirty minutes. i love going on saturday bible and workout adventures for an extended period of time. i love learning from him, i love being challenged by his humility and other attributes i seem to lack. :) i love the idea of a future with this man, and i'm so thankful it's finally here...our life together in this process of becoming one. God's grace is all over it.

amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. :)

to all girls, everywhere.

this is for girls, all girls...fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of Everything.

sometimes it's hard to feel beautiful. i mean, seriously look around and everywhere you look there is always going to be someone more "worldly" beautiful. and i am the worst of all at comparing myself. it's so easy to look confident on the outside...however that isn't necessarily how i feel. a woman feeling beautiful is hard in a world where there is such a fine and impossible standard for beauty. maybe that's not true, maybe it's only a struggle for some, or maybe only me. but i feel like Satan uses these comparison games: actresses, models, other girls...anything to get us feeling down on ourselves.

well because it's a particular struggle in this moment, i decided to read my Bible at this late (or early) hour of 1 am. this is what i found:

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!" -song of songs 4:9-10

i literally am in tears at this, because it's God's Holy Bible, so it's true. God is so enthralled by you, my sister. He LITERALLY thinks you are a prized possession, the MOST beautiful thing! FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. i don't even get this, trust me, i feel not good enough all the time. i feel like i'm falling short in comparison to every other girl ALL the TIME. i know it's going to take a lot more than writing a blog to really pound this in my head. but tonight, in this moment, i feel humbled. i feel like God thinks i am beautiful. and that is everything. His Love is so Perfect. His Love is Sustaining. His opinion is Worthy!

every girl wants to feel like she is the most beautiful to someone, and guess what? we are. God truly is wrapped up in your beauty, He really does think you are the most beautiful. His Love is SO BIG that He can think we are all the most beautiful, and it would be true...it's infinite. You can divide it and it's still infinity love, ALL for you. He does not show favoritism. it's hard, i know, not to look at this world and think about what beautiful should look like. it's hard not to look around at other people and not feel good enough, or think "if only i looked like her, then i would be loved." but the truth is, you are loved with a Perfect Love. you can be secure because of an Unfailing Promise. you ARE Beautiful because GOD MADE YOU FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY. now we just need to let it sink in, and believe it. jealousy is ugly, and insecurity is a trap. don't forget your identity and who God says you are.

want to be truly beautiful? seek God and be changed by Him. that is real beauty, to the Only One who matters. i would rather be Beautiful in His eyes forever than to be beautiful by the standards of this world for a short while.

Charm is deceptive and beauty is FLEETING; BUT A WOMAN WHO FEARS THE LORD IS TO BE PRAISED. -Proverbs 31:30

things that make me excited.

-making a married blog. i know it's dorky, but it will be so fun to write all about our newlywed adventures in here, since blogging is such a neat way to express yourself. not to mention, easy.
-finding a place to live, and decorating it so it feels like home. we looked at apartments today, and we want to look at duplexes, etc. i can't wait to see where God leads us because i know it will be perfect. i am so excited to be roomies with zach, cause he's pretty neat. :)
-becoming a better cook. i made stuffed peppers last night and i just want to keep trying new things left and right!
-finding a more secure identity in God as my Father. it's so easy to want to find validity in other people's opinions of me, but i just want to grow more and more confident in who God says i am.
-growing deeper friendships with my sisters in Utah. i just want to find women i can run hard with, and be challenged by. i never want to sit still in my walk with God!
-getting a dog...sooner. my uncle and aunt have 2 golden retrievers who just had 8 puppies this week! talk about TEMPTING. zach and i are discussing, but they are my #2 favorite dog, and it would be lovely keeping them in the family. i want a little baby pup so bad. :)
-summer dresses. i want sunshine on my legs again. i love the warmth on my skin, and i just crave the nice weather.
-enjoying working out. i hear once you keep doing it for a long enough time, you start to like it. wellll, i still don't. :) but we've been consistent in going 3-4 times a week and i just want to get toned up for the wedding, jamaica, and just LIFE. its sad when your metabolism decides to stop working as well, to be honest.
-painting. i love painting outside in the summer, and i just want that to happen again.
-getting my passport. that should be coming in 4-6 weeks, and i'm excited to feel "official" haha.
-seeing my colorado friends. how lucky i get to look forward to going home to things like a bridal shower, and bachelorette party with my closest friends. i feel blessed they are so supportive of me, and making this engagement such a happy one.
-juuust life and livin' it. :)

something bigger.

God is at work here in Utah. It's really amazing to see. Last night really encouraged my soul, because of all the amazing things I get to be a part of here at The Rock Church. I feel so humbled that God would lead me here, and I don't want to waste the opportunity I can have here. Eleven years ago The Rock Church was started by two families who moved to Utah from Colorado. They would have Sunday service in the house of the pastor, for four adults...including himself. Today there are three locations, five services, and around 1200 people attending. Praise the Lord. We also just reached a million dollars raised to purchase land and build a larger church in Sandy. This is so important in Utah because of the culture. Another amazing thing is that a really well-known architect told Bill Young (pastor) that he wants to make the church his own "project" this year! So pray like crazy for more souls to be saved through the future location of The Rock Church, Sandy.

I want to be giving it my all to be part of this big picture. I want to speak boldly, love abundantly, speak graciously, and shine brightly. This world needs JESUS and we have now to show them. I feel so encouraged after the Church Address last night and hearing what's at work and what's in store for the year. I want less of me and more of Christ in every aspect of my life. I want to run harder than ever before, and not waste a minute of it.

God is jealous for our love. I couldn't stop thinking that last night during worship. God wants to be first, He wants my devotion. I have the Love of a Savior that is solely mine and the Security of being in the hands of the Creator of the Universe. Why doesn't this motivate my EVERY thought and action? It's too easy to get caught up in the world, but I want no more of it. Lord, I want to live out your Purpose for me, because it is the only thing that will last.

I'm here for souls and I'm here for You. That's the cry of my heart. May I never give my heart to something else.

glory to God.

this year is really looking up. :)

my papa is in great condition, so thank you all for joining me with in prayer for him. today he was walking around, eating, cussing and everything. THAT is how you know my papa is fine, is if he's cussing!

this week has been sooo much better than last! so much to share, and i want God to get all the glory, i really do.

i had an interview on monday for the ronald mcdonald charity house. after the interview, i can't even explain to you the feeling i felt. it was like, i knew that was it when i walked out the doors. i called my mom, and she said it was the happiest i've sounded since i've moved here thus far! so, i just was happier after that. tuesday, i'm hanging around the house talking to my deear friend andrea on the phone, when alas, ronald mcdonald house is calling on the other line! turns out, they wanted me to work there. SO AMAZING. better yet, thursday was my first day! i got to start pretty much right after the background check came back in!

I LOVE it so far! my title is called "guest services coordinator" and i basically am in charge of handling guests money who are staying at the house, talking with the social worker to see if a family is eligible to be staying at the house, and giving tours, answering phones, making informational signs, etc. it's just fun--a lot of administrative work. it's so rewarding when i see volunteers or donations being brought in by random people! today the boys and girls club came in to volunteer their time, they were called the "flu crew" and they went around the whole house disinfecting doorknobs and stuff like that. it's important to keep the facility nice and clean, because kids staying there have such weak immune systems, that even the cold can kill them you know? man, it's hard to hear stories of what some of these kids are at the hospital for. but it's amazing being able to work at a place that really helps these people out as much as we can! basically, the charity is for families who have a kid in the hospitals nearby SLC to have a "home away from home" and we only charge $15 a night for them to stay. people/groups volunteer to do breakfast/lunch/dinners for everyone! the house i work at holds 25 families, but there are two other houses two blocks away. we bought land and are in the process of expanding the whole building to be one large facility. it's just amazing that this is all run off people and companies donations. this world has a lot of good, ya know.

OH and not to mention, i love my co-workers, and already feel like i'm getting the hang of everything! so awesome.

anyways. i've also experienced a lot of love from the people out here so far. tuesday night, zach and i were invited to josh and krista whitney's to play cards and eat dessert. that was wonderful, and i had such a good time! wednesday night i cooked a crock pot dinner (my first one ever!) and fed zachary, then we watched parenthood and the biggest loser on hulu off the tv! oh and scrib joined us. :) then thursday audree hosted dinner at her place and invited liz, cara and myself over. it was so great, we had pasta, alfredo, chicken and pesto. oh and garlic bread and wine! mmmmm. i want that all again, already. then we met pretty much my whole church family at a little coffee shop where steele was playing, followed by a more acoustic (ish) version of kingston. it was a lot of fun! tonight was bryan's surprise party so i spent the whole night LAUGHING at myself and friends in a long and awkward game of QUELF. if you haven't played it, i suggest you doooo.

also, i love my roommates. becki and amy are fantastic, and i feel so blessed.

and my routine with God has been so good. i'm already feeling so much more encouraged then i have been. i've spent my mornings in the one-year chronological bible, followed by some proverbs for the day. then as i'm getting ready for work, i've been listening to the faithwalkers messages at the same time. so great to have access to those now! i already feel so much closer to God, and i've been able to pray on my way to work and i just feel so encouraged. tomorrow is saturday so i can't wait to spend a long morning at starbucks reading His Word with zach, and praying and talking, and setting some spiritual goals for the year. i really am challenged to do that after listening to some of the FW messages. so good.

i keep thinking, God is really comforting me and making it CLEAR that i really am supposed to be here. He has blessed my move here so much more than i can say, and it's only been two weeks pretty much. i can't believe i already have a full-time job, a place to live, a church family, my fiance' and everything. God is my FATHER, and He truly does care for my needs. makes me so encouraged for the future. i just wanted to write about all the happy stuff, because it really has been good. i can tell i'm growing already and most of all, i just love feeling so thankful for my King. i always want to have gratitude in my heart.

God bless us, everyone. :)

my Papa

This is my Papa. I wanted to take some time to tell you about him, so then you can know who you're really praying for. My grandpa is going to be 80 this July (God-willing!) He was a doctor in the vietnam war, and he has some crazy stories to share. He's known for being a hard-ass and quite honestly, scary, if you don't know him. He says the things you shouldn't say and doesn't care what anybody thinks. I LOVE my Papa.

At Christmas, we know that my Papa is going to be the center of attention because of the gifts that he brings for everyone. This year he got my almost sixteen-year-old sister a Hannah Montana watch. He got my Mom, Aunt, and Grandma all kimono robes. In the past we've received roll-up pianos, metal detectors, and globe earrings that say "journey" on them. And he just gives, gives, gives...even if the gifts he gives are more entertaining than they are useful. :)

The first time Zach met my Papa, I warned him before how funny and crazy he is. So of course it was fitting when the first thing he says to Zach in his hard raspy voice is, "Zach! My dog's named Zach...of course he's dead now." Perfect. Just thinking about my Papa makes me smile, and I'm always telling my friends funny stories about him, so I am asking anybody who is reading this to PLEASE PRAY. Pray for the grandpa I love to get better.

He's in the hospital and suffered a heart attack about a week ago. His vitals are good today, but his mind is gone. He keeps thinking he's in Canada fishing, or that something is coming out of his ears. I'm worried sick, and I hate that I can't be in Colorado to be with him and with my family and to comfort my Dad as well. So I'm asking anybody who has the faith to pray for my grandpa to heal and be healthy and to have his mind be coherent. He's gotta lot of life left in him and I am not ready to say goodbye. So, please pray for him to get better. Thank you.



Ich liebe dich, Papa.

day six.

day six.

today was another hard day. i presume it's because today is sunday, and sundays are my football/family days. sundays are days where i usually stay in my sweats all day, and eat delicious homemade soup or chili or spaghetti that my dad makes, and watch the broncos. i love those times. and today, was different. for one, utah wasn't even showing the broncos game on tv and so we had to watch it on zach's computer. secondly, we had to watch it with no sound, because austin was also watching the game in the living room of chicago vs. greenbay. soooo, not really my ideal football watching experience. i think i just needed to cry again today. it seems so petty, like i'm crying over something so silly like football, but it means so much more to me. i just kept thinking, "i want to be HOME" but i know in due time, this place will start feeling like home.

my grandpa is still in the hospital, which worries me a lot. he broke a few ribs from CPR. i found out that he was golfing and had a heart attack on the sixth hole, and had to have his heart shocked THREE times before responding. i am so thankful he did, i really am. he was recovering well, until two days ago when i found out there was excessive bleeding. it's just so up and down, it makes me so scared. my grandpa is the funniest and scariest man i've ever known. he's a rebel, and he sure loves life. i don't know if he knows Jesus. i know christian men, pastors, have gone to see him in the hospital before and that really softened his heart. i pray he knows Jesus. anyways, they did an MRI this afternoon, and tomorrow they're setting him up with a pace-maker for his heart. i hope that helps. my papa has a lot of fight to him. i just wish i could be there to go see him, and to comfort my dad too. please pray for my grandpa wes if you're reading this. i really want to see him again.

on a brighter note, i did get a job offer. it's for a hostessing position at the fiddler's elbow bar. it isn't a big step or anything and they keep assuring me that i won't get a lot of hours at all, no more than 20 a week, and it'll usually be weekends and nights. so, i have two more interviews this week and i PRAY they go well. they are more "grown up" positions, which i really am looking for. paid my first month's rent, and already see my desperation for a job. God will provide as He has...i'm just being very stretched in a lot of ways. i'm excited to see how these interviews go, and what opportunities will arise, and i really pray God will lead me to the perfect spot.

one thing out of all this is i am feeling closer to my God again. my need for Him is so much more apparent. my desire to spend time with Him is stronger. my heart is softer. so, i am thankful for that. i just want God to drive it home to me that He is enough, and that He is my home. the thought of abraham being willing to sacrifice his son for the Lord keeps going through my mind, because i can never imagine having the faith to sacrifice one of my family members. i feel like in a way i am, because i'm here, without any of them, and it kills me. so that story just keeps running through my head, and all of hebrews 11 is good for me. i memorized it once, and i bet i can't do it all the way through anymore. at least i know what i'll have zach start quizzing on me soon. :) well, i know things are going to get easier, just wanted to write a little more about this transition.

God is good, all the time.

the big move.

well, lets be honest, i didn't know how hard this was really going to be until i got here. aaand, i'm only on day three.

i've cried the past two days. it's like, once my dad left i felt SO LONELY. i'm a major daddy's girl, and my dad and i are really close, so that seemed to hit me the hardest. not to mention, i'm in a house by myself for this first week of utah. that's been another trial. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and far away from my family...it really does break my heart. i know things will get easier and that this is a time of a big transition, but i just didn't realize the impact until...well, now.

i've had quiet times in the morning, and listened to sermons by mark darling while i've been letting my hair air-dry (yes, i forgot my hair-dryer...blah) and that has been nice, but by the time noon rolls around, i am so "blah" that i don't even know what to do with myself. the weather is snowy and cold here, and i haven't mustered up the courage to roam about town to finish applying for jobs until zach gets off work. poor guy must think i'm the most depressed person ever.

the truth is, everything is hard. one of my best friends just recently lost her dad, which makes me think so much about how stupid i am to leave my family. i just got a call that my grandpa had a heart attack and is in the ICU at the hospital. i have no job, but i got hired for an UNPAID internship. i'm cut-off from the parents. it seems like nobody in utah is really in town, even. and i take all this sadness out on zach. it's such a weird thing. i hope that in a few months i can look back on this post and be SO MUCH happier. i'm just so uncomfortable right now. i'm sure it's a good place to be, and that God is going to really grow me leaps and bounds. i just need to feel Him WAY more than i do right now. i need Him to give me strength, i need Him to give me hope in this life, this future. i need to remember that this is not my Home, Colorado, Utah...neither.

Heaven is my Home. God is my Dad.

i need to remember this constantly, and i need this to change my attitude. if i don't shape up, i'm going to miss a really great opportunity for God to work in my life. i want to trust Him for a job, i want to trust Him for my security, i want to trust Him with my relationships, i want to trust Him to watch over my family, i want to trust Him to lead me. i know He is here with me, i just need this to impact my heart more. one day at a time, and it'll get easier and easier. just please pray. this was so much harder than i thought it would be, and i feel so foolish for being so discontent in colorado. i just keep thinking about my family and wonderful friends who i already miss so much. i never want to lose those relationships, or even have them change. that's what is so scary.

but i just need to really let God be my everything, and its clear to me that He's not right now.

godliness with contentment is great gain.

goodbye, colorado.

tonight is my last night as a colorado resident. the lights in the house are off, and i'm still up thinking about this new life i'm about to start. it's so funny how you really can't blink, or you're gonna miss it. i feel like high school was yesterday, or writing my parents a letter of why they should let me go on a road-trip to utah when i was sixteen. so amazing how fast life is. i don't wanna miss it.

i'm feeling pretty nervous. i said goodbye to two of my best friends allison and maddie tonight. they were so sweet to just come hang out and be lazy with me. the reason it's so hard to leave colorado is because of the people. i have a great family and wonderful friends, and i'm leaving them. i'm so thankful that utah is only a state away, so then road trips will be in order. :)

i should be sleeping, because i'm driving for 8 hours and i know i'll get sleepy in the ride. i'll be praying that caffeine will really kick in, and adrenaline too.

i can't believe zach and i are starting this new journey in our relationship too. i'm excited to see what we learn from each other and how we adapt as a couple, even. it'll be nice being able to do normal things together, like watching tv and going to church and cooking dinner together. i'm so excited for the simple things. and for the spontaneous road trips i will force him to take, back to colorado.

it's so hard when your heart is in two places. wish i could live in both places so bad, but i can't. who ever thought that i'd be sad to leave this place, when i have been talking about moving for sooo long?

mostly i am nervous about finding a good job. God really is going to stretch and test my faith, and i really want to prove faithful, i want to trust my Savior for providing for me. i want to be exactly where he plans for me to be. it'll all work out, i just have to be patient and trusting. my God is my Rock. i'm really excited for a fresh start, and getting into good habits right when i move. it's convenient that the new year is starting, so i can make out some work-out resolutions as well. this christmas i ate...A LOT.

well. i guess i'll go to bed now. so long, for now...

relationships and God and how the two work.

God is good. sometimes that's all i can say, but then other times i sit and wonder if i really believe it. what a weird year it's been with God. i've been so distracted in a relationship, and trying to figure out how to juggle a relationship with my Lord and Savior and a relationship with the man i'm going to marry. i had these unrealistic expectations that being in a relationship with a man who loves the Lord is going to make me even more on fire for God and i'm going to grow leaps and bounds, and yada yada yada. i've grown, i really have...but not in any way i thought i would.

God has been etching at me in areas such as stubbornness, pride, insecurity, and baggage. (there's way more, trust me. i have NOTHING put together, pretty much.) God has used zach in my life to really point out these areas of selfishness that i wouldn't have seen otherwise.

i just watched a chick flick tonight with my friend andrea, and i feel like these relationships are so romanticized. it makes me mad because it gives us all this horrible impression that there's fights, fights, fights, and then this couple realizes how much they love each other and they live happily ever after and have it all together. that's such crap. i LOVE zach and i know he is perfect for me and that God made this happen, not us. but it's true that relationships are hard, and they take a whole lot of work.

men and women are so different. our needs, the way we think, even the way we express our emotions. it's amazing that together, man and woman make a complete picture of Christ and that's why He does it that way, but it doesn't make the struggle any easier. the way we function and operate is just, different. and it's good!

anyways, i was sitting there talking to God this morning about my needs and the way i want to be loved, and it hit me. this is what God wants from ME. i sit here and tell zach and i want him to express more passion, because he may show love in a different way but i am completely guilty of that lack of passion for Jesus. the man who shed all his blood on a cross for me, the man who died a shameful death in public for me, the man who literally thought of ME and YOU individually as He told His Father, "Your will be done." i just can't believe that i can sit here and tell zach that i need to be loved this way, when i can't even do that for Jesus. it's ridiculous. my flesh is horrible! i honestly don't know how Jesus loves me, or how zach even loves me sometimes. being in a relationship is the most humbling thing, because i see so much of who i really am, and how sinful i really am, and how needy i am of the Gospel.

so this doesn't really have a point, and took a completely different turn than where i thought it was going, but i'm glad it went there. i'm glad that God put on my heart what the Gospel is. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but i forget it every single day. i'll forget it in five minutes, i wouldn't be surprised.

my relationship with a man who loves the Lord has been amazing for me. i have confidence and faith in him, because i know his heart is after God's and i know God's leading will not let us be put to shame. but if i am not content with Jesus, than i am ALWAYS going to find something else that i need from zach, that he can't offer me. to all the single girls (or guys) out there that believe you will feel "secure" when you're in a relationship, it's a lie. it's the biggest lie from Satan. because whenever i look to zach for some sort of identity fulfillment, i am left empty and disappointed. he cannot place in me my worth, he is not where i can go to for my "identity". our only safe place is Jesus. people, even the best of people, are going to hurt you and disappoint you and not fulfill your desires. without Jesus, we are left with an empty spot that nothing can replace or fill. God may take something away from you, but He will NEVER leave you. God may discipline you, but He will NEVER make you feel like you are unworthy. the secret to a healthy relationship should not be a secret at all, it should be shouted from every rooftop...it's to LOVE JESUS most, and to go to Him for security. that's your only safe place.

and please know, i'm preaching this to myself, because i don't have this figured out. like i said, i want to love God so much more than i really do. there's something i'm dead sure of though, and that's His undying love for me, and His unwavering presence in my life, His sovereignty in guiding me, and having the best plans for me. it's there in the Bible, He said it.

i'm so thankful that He put me in a relationship not to make me feel "complete" but just to show me yet again how much i need Him. i am so needy for a Savior, and so are you. mmm, sure is beautiful though.

one week.

So I decided to write about the moving and graduating process, because it helps me really savor it, you know?

Today is my last real day of college ever, in my life. And of course, I miss my first two classes. (Hey, it's senioritis at its worst!) Instead, I spent the morning starting a wedding website (stay tuned) and packing up my room. I took the two decorations I had up down, and cleaned out my "everything" drawer so it's in a box ready to be moved into my car. I'm going to make a trip home on Tuesday to bring a load down after my internship. Luckily I'm going to a Nuggets game after that with Maddie and Vic, so that makes me suuuper happy. Then I'll head back up here on Wednesday to have a girl-date with Jenn and my last final on Thursday. Crazy. Less than a week, and I will be a College Graduate. Time FLEW!!! I remember my first Friday at school, we watched High School Musical 2 in Allison's dorm room. haha. Started it off right for sure. It went by so fast, but I changed so much. Crazy. I feel flustered because my room seems so messy and I don't know what to do with everything. I'm the type of girl that gets stressed out if any of my space is messy. I blame it on my mother.

Today I have to turn in my locker and shirt for Pilates. Then we're having a party in my Sign Language class. That is how I get to spend my last day of college...worked out well I'd say. :)

I'm getting excited again to move to Utah. I'm happy I get to live with Becki Porter, she's pretty hilarious. I'm excited I get to borrow a bed, until I get married and move in with Zach. I just have to get a dresser and stuff. Who even knows. I have never felt so...helpless? I don't know the word I'm looking for. I guess like I have nothing, and know nothing. This is going to be a crazy adventure. I really hope it suits me well. I go back and forth with it all the time! I'm excited because I know it's going to change me in a way God intends. I am so naive, and I really don't feel like a grown up. This is going to help me take charge more, and pay my own bills, and learn about budgeting and all the boring stuff.

I'm really excited to be best friends with God in the process too. I already know this is going to happen, because anytime I'm in an unfamiliar situation, God is my closest friend. I hate that when I'm comfortable, Him and I aren't as great. I've struggled in loving Him most this past year, and I'm excited to really cling to Him and see Him come through. I can't believe He still loves me, after so many times I don't choose Him.

I keep thinking about my family, and how much I will miss them. My sister is going to Korea for a year to teach English, and won't even get to be there for my wedding. I am so proud of her though. I feel bad for my little sister, that her two sisters are leaving at once. She takes that stuff hard. I'm sad for my mom and dad who have to face all this too. I am sure it's hard not to take personally, but they have been so supportive!

Wow, this is the most up and down entry ever. Time to keep packing and getting ready for school. :)

wake up call.

well, the fact that life really is about to drastically change for me is starting to become real. i can almost touch it, it's within my reach...

and i feel helpless. i feel excited. i feel scared. i feel ready. i feel nervous.

i've wanted this for i can't tell you how long, to move to salt lake city, and be a part of the rock church, and to be graduated from college, and now, to be close to zach. and now, it's so close i can count the days. i can count the weeks on one hand. it's close.

i feel emotional about it, when for so long i've been checked out. i've been so apathetic. i apologize to my friends, to my family.

want the truth? the truth is, i'm REALLY going to miss you all. the truth is God has BLESSED me with the most amazing people who love me and care about me, and who have changed my life. the truth is, once i move i won't see my family any weekend i want to go home and see them. the truth is, sunday football won't include sitting by a nice warm fireplace and eating dad's green chili in my family's company. the truth is i won't see the same smiling faces every wednesday night at small group. i won't walk upstairs to see two adorable children, excited about one thing or another, and an amazing Godly woman there to brighten my day. i won't get to join my best friend at new belgium at four pm on a friday for free beer samples. i won't get to see my best friends anytime i want. things will be different, and i finally feel that pain...because the change is so close that i can't take these things for granted. there's not a lot of time left here with these people.

i just don't want to lose you all. i don't want to be distant. i don't want to miss out.

i know that what God has for me in the future is GOOD. i am so excited to join my brothers and sisters in Salt Lake who love Jesus, and music, and Starbucks (ha ha). i know that God is going to use this transition to grow me in ways that i couldn't have here in colorado. God is going to stretch me out of my comfort zone, and it will be good. it will be scary, but so good.

i just wanted to be honest, and share my heart. life is crazy and scary and i couldn't ever do it without my Jesus. He's the only only only only ONLY one who is the Same. HE is my Safe Place, He is my Home.

don't get me wrong, i still want to move to utah and be with zach so so badly, and i am thrilled to be there...but to every beginning, there is an ending. and all i've ever known is colorado. but this will be good, because my real Home is still waiting for me, and that is never going to change. and God lives in me and goes with me, which is the greatest thing of all. i have comfort and joy knowing that God directs my steps, and He has planned this for me before He gave me breath. it makes me smile in knowing that. i only ever want to be in the center of Your Will, Father. thank you for blessings, both in colorado and in utah. and thank you that both places get to be my home on earth now. :)

life is an adventure, and i'm glad God is my Captain.
Jeremiah 29:11

what grace means to me.

do you ever feel like you wish you could take something back? i know i do. i have many times, but i feel desperate right now.

i have sinned against the Lord my God. (i mean, i do it every day, plenty of times a day.) i hate that i broke His heart. i hate that i live in this earthly body that can't help but sin, when my heart doesn't want to. anyways, that's not even the point.

the point is what Jesus has done in spite of this. He's cancelled it. He's taken every little dark sin in my life and erased it. He cancelled my debt, and i had a lot.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13

i really am at a loss of what to say. i believe it's true. i believe i'm clean in Jesus. but i can't help but still hurt. God does the healing, he's in the business of healing hearts because He's the ONLY SOURCE OF HOPE. i'm learning that so much more than i ever have before, and for that, i am thankful.

tonight i am just so humbled, and thankful for the grace my God endlessly grants to me. He chose to find a solution to this disease called sin. and i know my life will be filled with continuous mess ups, but i can rest in my salvation, and my future in Heaven with God. i long to be Home with Him.

Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." -Acts 4:12

i just want God to have all the glory in every aspect of my life. and so i say, my life is no where near perfect, i don't have it all together and i don't know any Christian who does. but i know that the secret is Jesus, and if you don't know Him i assure you to get to know Him. i am so thankful for His sacrifice, and i know i am so undeserving of it but He gave it to me anyways, with a glad heart.

The heart of God is beautiful.

miscellaneous, really.

sometimes i don't even know what i'll end up talking about, but i feel like writing tonight.
i'm waiting to talk to zachary, and i'm delaying in reading my book for class. i should get on that. after this. :)

today was good. church was AMAZING. i want to tell you about it. john meyer talked about real faith. listen to it online. www.summitview.com. anyway, afterwards before communion he was explaining it in a whole new light. as he had the cup and bread in his hands, he was saying how Jesus promises never to eat or drink it again until we're with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. it's just so REAL to me, and i know i won't be able to explain it as well as john but i'll try. he related it to how it's our "thing" that we have. like, in a relationship when two people have a "thing" together that they always do. that's what Jesus is doing here for us, so we remember Him. this is a little of my personal life but i don't think zach will mind. :) i'm obviously in a long distance relationship with the man i love. it gets tough sometimes because we don't get to hang out often, but the other night i was saying how i wish we could go on a date, so he said, "okay lets go on one right now!" and being his cute self, described this cute little date we went on, and i couldn't stop smiling! so that was a little "thing" for us. and i'll always remember it and cherish it. anyway, that's what Jesus is doing here too! He's my FIRST LOVE. He wants to have that kind of a relationship too. and He promises to wait for us til we're in Heaven with Him when we take that victory drink resembling His blood shed on the cross. wow, i did a bad job explaining that, but i was crying it was so good. Jesus is just SO PERSONAL! He knows what we need to hear to drive it home to us how much He loves us! Mmmm, Heaven will be SO GOOD. everything else is gonna fade away.

also today i cooked a new dish: baked pesto chicken. it was GREAT! you cover the chicken in pesto and then we added garlic salt, and pepper to it as well, put it in the over for 25 minutes, then take it out and add tomato slices on top with shredded mozzerella cheese. put it back in for five more minutes and wa-la! GOOD FOOD. served with angel hair pasta and french bread. it's definitely a keeper. i love to cook, i really do. i feel blessed living with the family i do cause i get good opportunities to cook some good food for the future. :) hah.

i really should go read. one more week of summer school, PTL! then zach comes friday through monday, and i go there monday through sunday! YAYYYY we will have so much fun! okaybye!

night run.

mmmmm.

i just got back from a run in the perfect temperature when dusk meets summer. i don't even like running, but i really see the rewards when i'm finished. i feel fresh, (even though i'm sweating like a pig and my cheeks are flushed with red) i feel new. i kept thinking and praying as i was running, "God, help me go further."

and man it couldn't be more true in my walk with God as well. i want to go further. i want to run harder. i want to beat my body so i'm disciplined to always follow Christ. i want to respect my God and fear my God, and out of that fear seek His face continually.

i read today in Isaiah 6:5- "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

what amazing fear. i just don't understand (ever, really) my place before God. i can't comprehend His Holiness, His Power, His Goodness. i don't understand how wretched i am. i know that's horrible, but it's the truth. i know i'm a sinner but i can not grasp the depth of my darkness, my despair. God has saved me from myself. He has completely turned my life around. He has disciplined me to run hard after Him. tonight was a lesson as i was gasping for more air, mentally telling myself to not stop running, to make it to the next mark. i want my Spiritual life to be this way. and when i gasp, i want to be gasping for Christ, who is my source of Life. and when i'm mentally telling myself to keep running, i want to keep reading God's word, keep praying to the One who continually delivers me. and i want Him to be my motivation to make it to the next mark, no matter how tired i am, or how hard life may seem.

God gives us really cool metaphors to understand Him, we just need to open our eyes more. i love my God, He's my PORTION.

ps. i love you.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

bad week, so it seems. i can't snap out of my funk. i know i am spreading it to you too, as hard as you're trying to get us out of it. what's my problem? i don't even know. i feel like i have just become accustomed to discontentment. dissatisfaction. disappointment. distance.

i know it's only a week, but a bad week can feel like eternity. maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but i don't want to downplay my feelings. frustration, loneliness, numbness even. is this another lesson to be learned from God? that i can only lean on Him, only count on Him for peace? it's funny how often i have to learn things from God. how often He has to take away things i may put above Him, without my own realization.

i feel like i'm living my life without you, even though i know it's not true. small talk won't do it for me. as much as i tell myself it'll be better this time, i can't seem to snap out of this...weirdness. i'm not worried, though. i know your heart and i know mine. i know that next week we'll be laughing at this off-week. or at least we'll be praying our way out of it.

i feel like i'm being dramatic, but at the same time i feel like i'm being completely real and that scares me. my life isn't perfect, my relationships aren't perfect, i'm weak. why is it that we fear exposing our weaknesses to others when that is where our source of strength comes from? God can be glorified, i keep saying as i write this.

so, here's the truth. i feel like i am missing out on so much. i feel so ready to start my life with you, and yet we're living separately...just passing time. i don't want this mentality. i want to live fully, purposefully, excitably. and i do when we're together. but i just feel like tonight, as i'm sitting in this abandoned coffee shop, that i am missing out on all the things you're enjoying. and as happy as i am for you, i'm sad too. i'm sad i'm not there.

but godliness with contentment is great gain. -1 tim. 6:6

thanks, paul.

godliness. contentment. great gain.

sounds good to me, but how? my God is my peace, but i still struggle. i'm still learning. and by all means, give me your wisdom on how to do this. how to live peaceably in my heart. how to live contently no matter where i may be, or who i may be with.

here's one thing that keeps me going. God is always with me. He is always listening to me. He's real. He's my Best Friend, my Father, my Love. i need to keep pressing with Him, and keep trusting His timing.

wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. -psalm 24:17

and the real truth is, the end of the year isn't that far away. and this funk we're in is going to pass. and we'll find a new mountain to conquer. and we're learning, and it's not easy but we're learning. God is refining us, and making us desperate for Him.
and for that, it's worth it.

ps. i love you.

i saw God today.

i wanted to share with you how amazing and real and evident God is.

i certainly saw Him today.

obviously i can't give too many details out of the respect of other people, but for about a month now i have been struggling with an unreconciled conflict between a person. i went to bed last night and woke up this morning with it on my heart. i have been angry that i can't seem to let it go, not be bitter, forgive, apologize, etc. I went on a prayer walk and had two close friends pray for me about the situation, and I asked for conviction because I didn't feel convicted.

later that night was infusion. it started with worship.

"not to us, but to Your Name be the Glory." i've sung it before, plenty of times. but i got the thought in my head that God asks us to persevere in relationships not for us, but for HIM and because when we're united we bring God GLORY. I want nothing more than to glorify God.

which is what i just got back from. the topic was perseverance, but rory whitney somehow related it to UNITY. he broke it down into three parts, we must be united in our thoughts, speech, and vision. i can tell you that my heart had some ugly thoughts, and my speech some ugly words. rory kept saying, "i know this isn't really my topic, but i felt God led me to speak about this." i don't know, after all that was said tonight i just couldn't stand there and not do something. God answered my prayer of conviction. and i acted on it. i don't know what will come of it, but i know that RIGHT NOW, i can stand blameless before God with this situation. i can feel peace in my heart with doing something hard for the glory of God.

i love Him so much, and i know that someday i can count on God to bring justice for everything. i know that God is my defender when i feel wronged. i know that God has forgiven me of all my sins and transgressions and they are far more offensive to Him than anybody who i think i shouldn't forgive. we have every reason to forgive people because we've been forgiven INFINITELY more by God. i am so thankful that that is the heart of my God. i am so thankful that He is powerful in using other people to SPEAK to me. i am so thankful that He is refining me, even when it means tearing down my pride.

Praise You, Lord. It's in Your name i write this. may You get the Glory.

i'm going to keep this short. i have class in an hour, and i'm not quite ready yet. ohhh well.

last night was great. andrea and i went up to horsetooth and took a short hiking trail to the cliffs overlooking the reservoir. we brought our bibles and journals, and she helped me go over the chapters i'd memorized in the past which i TOTALLY did not remember very well!! i really need to be disciplined in memorizing those chapters, and not letting them slip away from me after all that hard work. so that's what i'm going to have zach keep me accountable in when we talk on the phone. going over those verses. the spot we sat at last night was amazing. i took some pictures but they're not uploaded. God gives such good gifts, His creation is amazing.

today i have a presentation. i'm not too worried about it. i have to leave class early so i can babysit lincoln and ellie. so there's that. :) then i babysit them again tonight. it's also my night to clean the kitchen floors and the bathrooms. i would do laundry but the load isn't big enough so i'm not going to. :) i really love living with the Schmidt family. they are amazing, and so fun.

last night i got the privilege of helping lyndsey paint her kitchen because her husband was out of town. so andrea, jenn and i all were painting the kitchen there. it was nice because i got to ask them all these quetions i have about why they homeschool or things that i just wonder about because i'm so stubborn and don't want to do what every other Christian is doing! haha. zach always tells me there's wisdom in certain decisions which is why it seems like "the thing to do" but it was cool to hear the reason these women decided to homeschool their kids. i think andrea and i learned a lot from them. not to mention we laughed a LOT. plus they gave me great wedding ideas. which is still a way in the future, but i should totally start taking notes or something. :)

well i know today is going to be a good day. i can tell by the sunshine peering in my window. i love the sun. i love God.